First, thank you to all for your advice. Even though I probably screwed it up, ignored it, or just plain missed the point.
I have been on a roller coaster since I discovered my W's PA on 6/4/2009. I know now I handled the whole thing horribly. She said she wanted out and I was like mush. I begged her, pleaded, etc.
Then I read DB and decided that I would try to save our marriage. I still was mush, but worked on my faults in the M and became a better H and Father. I also started telephone coaching with Cheryl in addition to the posts here.
Around 8/1 I noticed she started to warm up to me even though she was still talking about D. We were closer and ML a couple of times a week.
Cheryl had me read "Love is tough" by James Dobson and I realized that I have been getting walked on for years in this M. I finally told my W last week that she was free to go and I would no longer try and keep her. I scheduled an appt with an attorney. I also ran down the list of ways that she has sabotaged our M and been absent as a mom to our two kids.
Again, I noticed some more warming even though she said she was filing for D this week.
Well, last night I got hold of her cell phone texts and she had talked with one of her friends about how her and the OM finally broke up b/c he did not want to see her anymore (he is M too). Apparently (Coach and others were right) she had been in contact with him a few times including a call to him on his bday.
I confronted her and told her it was over. She needed to pack up her things and leave. I said I was filing for divorce on the grounds of adultery and would not spend 1 more day living with a woman who would do something like this to her husband and family.
My friends, she completely broke down. She apologized like I have never seen. Begged me to let her stay and said she would do ANYTHING to hold on to me. This went on for more than an hour.
I finally sat her down and looked her in the eye and said, " I am not sure if I can live in this relationship anymore. If you want to rebuild our marriage, first you have to earn your way back in. You need to put your wedding ring on and focus on being the best wife and mother you can be. You need to never again do something that would be disrepectful to me and our family. You need to be completley transparent and earn back my trust. All of this will take time and I can't guarantee that even then I will want to stay with you, but those are the ground rules if you really want to save this marriage. If not, you can pack up and leave"
She thanked me and we ML several times. I am by no means declaring victory. But for now, our D is off. More importantly I feel like I have my self respect back, no matter what happens in with my M.
Looking back I have lots of regrets:
1. I should have been a better H and father long ago. I should have worked hard to meet her needs and listen to her. 2. When I knew our M was in trouble (long before the EA/PA) I should have gotten us help. 3. The minute I first learned of the EA (2/2009) I should have made the stand I made tonight and saved myself and my family over six months of BS and craziness.
Books that I read included:
1. DB 2. 5 Love Languages 3. Love must be tough
I will continue to post updates over the coming weeks/months. Please pray for our family.
Thanks,
A much stronger Lowneil
Me 38 / W 37 M 14 yrs S 11/S8 First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA Same House Separate Rooms
Oh wow - well done you - I am so impressed that I am almost tempted to try this myself!! Do you feel good or what are your current thoughts - I expect that you are moving forward with some trepidation? Your heart must be singing but your head must be in question mode ...??
I have realised today that my H was being unfair in our M but I let my love for him overcloud everything and was willing to be the doormat that my independence upon him has led me to become. He has been willing to let me take all the fault and most of the blame in our failing M because I could not work out why he was so 'closed' to his emotions. Now I see it all and I feel totally cheated, even though his EA/PA only started recently and I KNOW that he has never strayed before.
I wonder if this would be a big 180 or would you consider it a gamble too large, unless I am prepared to go through with it - which I am not sure that I am? Were you worried about the consequences or did your self-survival instincts merely kick in??
My WAH said, when I threatened to D him in retaliation, that he would not consent (under UK law) as he would be financially disadvantaged. He has repeated that twice or three times when I brought it up again. Since then, I have not mentioned it.
Curious to see how your sitch pans out ... keep posting, won't you and GOOD LUCK
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Your wife just broke up with OM. You were, in a sense, her safety net which is why she procrastinated on pursuing a divorce. Don't be too quick to declare victory. There is likely LOTS of work ahead. Big questions remain as to what was happening in her, in you, and in the marriage that allowed her to talk herself in to seeking out an affair.
You've not been at this for all that long. Don't assume that you've figured it all out just because of this turn of events. My guess is that there is still significant work left to do ON you.
Secondly, I'm not too sure that I would want to continue playing the dictator role. It's one thing to stand your ground and state clearly what it is that you will and will not tolerate. It's another thing all together to begin communicating with your wife as though you hold all the cards and she has to follow your commands. Perhaps the conversation you shared was not complete, but it sounded very one-sided to me.
Again, don't misunderstand me. I totally support taking a stand and letting your wife know that you would no longer be a part of a marriage where your wife was involved with another. Just don't allow yourself to become the holier than thou moral superior now, lording your perfection over her. I don't see THAT being conducive to rebuilding a positive marriage.
Best wishes and blessings,
Bill
Last edited by Bworl; 08/25/0910:31 AM.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Nell- I'm not sure I'm the best person to comment on your situation and whether or not my path is best for you. The others on this board give great advice.
In the end, I was willing to end my marriage rather than continue to give up my self respect. My gut tells me that in order for a woman to truly love you she first has to respect you. It was obvious to me that my wife didn't respect me because I didn't respect myself.
Gucci-
Thanks. You and Coach really helped. I could see an immediate change in my wife's attitute towards me when I stood up for myself and said no more.
Bill- You are right, I am not very experienced here. I don't want to lord over her. But, I also don't want to turn around and go back to the way things were. I want to build a new lasting relationship on mutual respect and love. That will require us to do a much better job of communicating, being intentional, and yes even declaring our boundaries.
It's a fine line, I think, to walk. In the end I don't know if our M will work, but this was definitely a big moment and we shall see from here.
I have scheduled a long weekend for us next weekend. Hopefully, that will be a marker for beggining again.
Me 38 / W 37 M 14 yrs S 11/S8 First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA Same House Separate Rooms
I hear you lowneil - that's why I have done a 180 and gone to counselling (which I have just started) - for ME and instigated by ME.
I wish you well and I truly hope that this has made your W sit up and smell the roses ... sometimes, that's just what we need. I wish that my husband had given me such a wake-up call instead of just walking ....
Look afer yourself.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Congratulations on your breakthrough -- it must feel wonderful. I would like to add to everyone else's words of caution, however, and encourage you take things SLOOOWLY, and to realize that it was very likely the OM dumping her that precipitated her change of heart.
Also, I would implore you to put a good strong transparency plan in place, as the recidivism rate on these things is very high. This does not have to be forever; just until you can begin feeling safe again in the marriage.
Also, I would implore you to put a good strong transparency plan in place, as the recidivism rate on these things is very high. This does not have to be forever; just until you can begin feeling safe again in the marriage.
Couldnt agree more with Puppy. My "checking" took a while but what I found sure did open my eyes...
Congrats on the breakthrough!!! Wishing you luck and strength. K
