H and I have been seperated for 7 months now. 6 weeks into S, H started PA/EA with OW and dropped the D bomb on me. Says it's nothing to do with her, just realized he's never really been in love with me. Things progressed over time to, "I want a D, but am such good friends with you, I could even see us living together or at least near each other down the road. You're my best friend, but I can't be M to you. We have nothing in common." Have heard a whole slew of info, and have been DBing my butt of since.
Have done 180s and GAL for so long now that I can't even believe this person I've become! I'm the old me again, for the most part, and have a completely refreshed positive view on life once again, with the exception of still not being back with H.
I know now how I contributed to the probs in our M, and have taken resposibility for them. 3 months ago, H even woke up and realized he wanted me and not OW! I thought I was 180ing by letting him move in with me too quickly and he left and went back to OW after 4 days.
Since then, he only wants to talk about D. He doesn't even make effort to ask about D 18months. 2 months ago, I'd told him I was about done with keeping him informed about D 18mo. Told him if he wanted a R with her, he'd have to be the one making the effort. She may not understand what's going on now, but if H wants a D, D 18mo will grow up and wonder why her Daddy doesn't make any contact or effort with her. Since I told him this, he's actually been regularly calling/texting to ask how she's doing, but still not doing anything to financially support her. He's not had a job the whole time he's been with OW. She had come into some inheritance money and has been supporting him since...emotionally supporting him as well, since according to him, I'm a horrible person for the things I did to him. I know more about his R with OW than I care to know, I know what he finds so appealing about her...it's mainly that he's lazy and immature at times and she's allowing him to be that way all the time. She's also still M, and obviously S from her H, seeing as her and H are living in a hotel together.
H still tells me (I don't even ask anymore) about their R...our convos usually go something like this: H: so can we work out all the details about our D now? me: I accept that this is the decision you've made, but I'm not agreeing to it. H: I've told you, I don't want a D because of her...she has NOTHING to do with this. me: then why can't we just let this sit while I'm figuring this out in my head? H: I DON'T WANT TO BE MARRIED TO YOU ANYMORE AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER!!! You're not supportive of me, encouraging of me, you nag too much, you never want to do anything, you like to control me and tell me what to do, and she just tells me how great I am, and supports me in every way. She loves me and accepts me for who I am, and isn't trying to change me. She goes along with everything I tell her. She does whatever I tell her to do. She agrees with everything I say. So now can we talk about D details? me: Please stop raising your voice at me. I can't and won't talk to you when you're like this. We need to discuss this later.
I get off the phone with him at this time. My responding this way to him is actually a 180...and pretty big one for me. I'm very quick to jump up and defend myself when he gets that way. I'm rather calm, and he has noticed, because he'll mention it later when we talk.
I guess my real delimna here is this...he wants a D, I don't. Part of the problem in our R is that he wants everyone to do everything for him. When we were still living together, I obliged him by just doing things. In this case, it's not to say I'm pursing him, chasing him, whining, begging, pleading....I did at first, but realized after about 2 weeks that it was getting me nowhere fast! He wants a D, but won't do anything to start the process. All he wants to do is talk about it. Believe it or not, this is sort of a 180 for him as well. Normally, when it comes to a decision that affects both he and I, he works out everything to the tiniest detail without my knowledge and then drops it on me. So, honestly, him wanting to discuss this still prior to the filing is something different, but not exactly what I was looking for.
I'll be seeing him in a few days for the first time in over 3 months. He wants to sit down and have a very lengthy discussion about the details for our D, and I don't know if I can bring myself to do it.
If I do, I feel I'm virtually doing the filing myself. He wants to hear from me everything I want from the D because he knows I don't really want to D.
If I don't talk about it, I don't know if he'll ever take the initiative to do it, and if he does, I almost feel he's doing a rather good job of trying to screw me out of what I want.
I just feel so lost!!! Any advice?
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
I DON'T WANT TO BE MARRIED TO YOU ANYMORE AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER!!! You're not supportive of me, encouraging of me, you nag too much, you never want to do anything, you like to control me and tell me what to do, and she just tells me how great I am, and supports me in every way. She loves me and accepts me for who I am, and isn't trying to change me. She goes along with everything I tell her. She does whatever I tell her to do. She agrees with everything I say. So now can we talk about D details?
Oh my, you should not subject yourself to listening to that anymore.
It is late and that's why you aren't getting responses but you will. Please read other threads and people will chime in to help you.
I am honestly too tired to type anymore but wanted to say something because I remember what it was like posting and really hoping for responses.
I understand your predicament as my H left 9 months ago and hasn't filed and I will likely have to be the one that does it or at least comes up with some kind of agreement...it may not be fair that it falls on you but you may decide it is in your best interest financially and/or emotionally.
You should probably see a L to get information.
I am truly sorry you are here. I know it sucks. You will get help here and good advice. Keep posting.
I'll be seeing him in a few days for the first time in over 3 months. He wants to sit down and have a very lengthy discussion about the details for our D, and I don't know if I can bring myself to do it.
If I do, I feel I'm virtually doing the filing myself. He wants to hear from me everything I want from the D because he knows I don't really want to D.
If I don't talk about it, I don't know if he'll ever take the initiative to do it, and if he does, I almost feel he's doing a rather good job of trying to screw me out of what I want.
If you're not ready to talk about it,and you're not then don't. First meet with a L to find out what a good settlement is for you, tell him you need to do this. Tell him it makes no sense to talk when you are uninformed.
I'm sure your H will get all made, but you don't have to take that, as you know.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I wouldn't talk to him anymore about D. I do think you should get an L to protect yourself. For a 180, don't argue with him anymore or show any reluctance to divorce. But don't do any D talk; you can tell him instead that any divorce talk needs to be done to your attorney and give him the L's name and number.
One thing I found though is you have to be careful; I think most Ls are like salespeople. The L I saw was instantly trying to get me to file saying how much better and more wonderful my life would be if I filed. I'm sure H's L said the same to him. I would never recommend anyone file for divorce unless they are 100% certain b/c it can be such a difficult, painful process.
H has no L. At least, not one I'm aware of. I have spoken to a couple on the phone, and yes, I agree, like a salesman, they're pushing for a D. I'm not at that place yet. I don't dispute with H over D anymore, but it's hard. I feel I have no tongue left from how much I bite it..hehe!
I know OW doesn't directly tell him how to go about anything. I also know she's pushing him to get me to hurry and D me already! She's also made it clear to him that she won't use her money to pay for his D.
H starts new job in a couple of weeks...will be interesting to see what happens. I don't know what it is I'm supposed to do or say though. He wants to sit and talk specifics about D to know what it is I want. All I want is to stay M to him...lol. I don't tell him that of course, but telling him, "I'm not ready to talk about this yet" is wearing thin with him. He offered one night to pay for online forms and he'd just write down everything I said into the paperwork and file right then and there. I don't want to D that way. He wants the D, he files. I have accepted the fact that this is what he really wants. If I was served, of course I'd respond, and of course I have given thought as to what would happen next.
I already have a list going on in my head and in my journal, and in my IC's notes about what I'm willing or not willing to talk to him about right now, and what I'd want/do/say if he served me. Obviously, I don't want that to happen, but it feels so inevitable right now. Of course, knowing H as well as I do, it also feels so inevitable that he and OW are on a very steep downhill spiral right now and neither of them are aware of it. I can only predict of course, but OW is already complaining about him starting new job. He's also told her that he can't afford everything on just income from the one job, so he either has to get a second job, or she needs at least a part time job. She's already whining to me about how to get him to stop trying to make her work...her H never made her work, why does my H ask this of her? It's funny to me, and I never have anything to say to her in response.
Whew, got off track there.
Just not sure how to avoid D talk while still maintaining the level of communication H and I have going right now...it's all small positive steps from all the 180s, GALing, and LRT attempts I've been doing. H has noticed, and I'm here, cautiously watching and waiting to see what happens next.
This trip though...it's got me so nervous, because I know H wants to spell everything out in terms of D, and I don't know how to avoid it. Don't want to come across as reluctant, but also don't want to feel I'm giving in to him and agreeing to everything he's saying.
I leave Thurs morn and have a fairly hectic schedule till then, but I'm hoping that between the boards and my therapy session tomorrow night, I'll be in a better frame of mind before I head out on Thurs.
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
well, I'm heading off on my trip in a few hours....here's to hoping I can stand my ground with H.
I'm come to the realization that maybe talking a little bit about child support stuff with H may not be a bad thing...
have a huge knot in my stomach over how to cope with seeing H and OW together. feels like i'm going to be sick to my stomach.
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
Sorry to hear you're in such a tough place. *hugs*
Based on your signature line, bombs drop on a regular basis. Talk directly to a lawyer to find out your legal rights. Ask for recommendations. Most lawyers will give an initial free consultation. Reputable lawyers will NOT encourage you to immediately file for divorce or have you commit to them. Google 'super lawyers' which will provide a website for outstanding lawyers in your area. Interview a few of them.
Ms. Ducki... be prepared, know your legal rights.
And why does this woman who is your husband emotional confidante, affair partner, confide in you? Why do you allow it?
