Separated 2 Months...My Story

[WalkbyFaith]

My WAS and I have been together 11 years and married for 6. She moved out about 2 months ago saying she didn't respect me and felt like time apart would do us both good. I love her dearly and for the most part, treat her like a queen. We live a comfortable life, don't fight about money, I'm very affectionate, etc. However I have suffered from mild depressiona for several years and through MC, have learned that I don't always deal with stress well. Since our children were born, I have said things to my wife that I shouldn't have (called her names, lashed out, etc). I have never been physically voilent, but over the years, I feel like my words have caused her spirit to close. She's the type to hold everything in and I never knew how she felt until Feb. 09 when we had "the talk".

We have been in MC 3 months. We go to the same counsler, but individually. So far, everything has focused on me 100%. I've been okay with that since I really felt like I needed to work on how I respond to stress, etc. I am now exercising, new medication, renewed my walk with God. And I think I've made very good progress in a short period of time.

Now here's where things get tricky. I suspect there is OM in the picture. I have no concrete proof, but as I look back at some of her actions, I have would be a fool to think there wasn't OM. We share joint custody of our children and she recently went out of town during the time I had them. I suspect she went with the OM since we haven't told many friends about our separation. I'm beginning to think this was her plan all along...to leave for OM....but she either didn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me or wanted to keep me as her fall back plan. Aside from the children, we have no contact. We are supposed to talk a couple times a week and eventually start going on dates with each other as part of our MC agreement. But she has no interest in that (another red flag).

I know I left out some details and can fill in any blanks if necessary. But I would appreciate advice on how I should proceed? I have been doing a 180 for the past 3 weeks. I don't know if I should continue with that, change course, hire a PI, etc.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Eskimo Nell]

Hi WBF
I'm a newbie at this myself but as no-one has yet replied to you, I felt that I should at least welcome you to the forum - even though it's terribly sad that we find ourselves here.

My guess is that you have been reading DB/DR and the posts, as you say that you have been doing 180's for the past 3 weeks. Keep that up - it would seem to be the best advice until you get any sign of things changing.

I also feel that to REALLY get to grips with your depression is the right thing for you and you say that you have made good progress in a short time, so surely that's something positive FOR YOU, which we learn is what it is all about.

Time is the essence and we have to be patient if we are to see results - that's what everyone has been telling me anyhow. I know that it's hard - I've had the weekend from hell for myself but keep coming back here and posting - the people are AMAZING and if nothing else, at least it gives you a safe place to vent -those feelings are somewhat diminished when they get written down.

I know that it feels like one betrayal too far when your spouse finds another - or suspect that they do. My H is at that stage right now and there is no getting through to him at all. He is railroaded and won't listen to anything ... he won't even come to MC with me, so again, you are one step up the rung of the ladder than some of us as your WAW is participating.

IMO - I don't think that hiring a PI is going to get you anywhere, other than to get concrete evidence of OM. Even so, what would you then do about that? The DR/DB techniques are the best way forward and I urge you to read and re-read, trying to adapt the techniques as your new way ... if there is OM then your WAW will be looking very differently at how you are behaving and then you may start to see a different her. However, when the spouse is a walkaway, it takes us longer than those who stay under the same roof - we have to be that much more patient. Are you up for it?

I don't want to offer you false hopes - all I am telling you is what I have been told myself - and I continue to live that each and every day at the moment. I am trying to BELIEVE - even when I see a big black hole infront of me ... I am trying to step around it and GAL for myself.

Someone told me in a post recently that I can either sit here and work my butt off into D or I can decide to start applying the techniques and work my way to reconciliation. Of course, there is no guarantee but no action = no outcome. If you are prepared to work at this, your WAW may remain just that but the reward will be a stronger and more focused you. They may not be the pearls of wisdom that any of us are looking for when all we want is our spouse to return but, think on them - they make sense in the long run.

Continue to post and I know that the more experienced out there will have more input for you. As I say, I am so new to this - and still in a great deal of pain with not a lot of understanding myself - but I have a lot of time on my hands right now and I am here frequently. It helps so post and keep posting.

Now - for today - set yourself just one TO DO thing that is totally about you. What will it be? Go for a walk, to the movies, go for a beer ... what? .... if you manage that one, then make a list of another one thing for Monday thru Friday. I will check back later to see your progress. Come on - do it now!! Post that list so that you can commit to it ... once you have told us about it, it's hard to back out - believe me. I did it last week in promising to knock down the spider webs and I couldn't settle until it was done!

Will be waiting ....

[WalkbyFaith]

Eskimo,

Thanks for much for the detailed post. My situation has changed drastically since my initial post. I got some hard evidence about a possible OM today and confronted my WAS, who admitted to the affair. They spent the weekend at the beach and I actually believe the A has been going on for atleast 2-3 months, if not longer.

The funny thing is, I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my shoulder since I know all the BS she was feeding me and the MC was just that...BS.

At the moment, I don't want her back since I don't know if I could ever trust her again. I would only consider it for the sake of our children and that consideration is very, very slim at the moment. I left the ball in court. But I made it known that I am moving on and tonight took down all the photos of her at our house. My attention now turns 100% to my kids and me.

I read so much about WAS leaving for OM. I just never thought it would happen to me. I have no plans to confront the OM and am going NC with my W (except for when it comes to the kids) effective immediately.

I would appreciate any input.

[Eskimo Nell]

Oh man - I'm so sorry but I really empathise with your feelings. All I will say is be prepared to feel this way today and then another way tomorrow ... I certainly did but unfortunately, my anger left and my sorrow has taken over. For me, it's all about getting my H back ... you just have to take time now to figure out your true feelings. This is your hurt speaking, I'm sure. Wait ... just wait. Be patient - you may end up still feeling the same and wanting your W out of your life but make no comments and take no action right now. STOP.

When my H told me our M was over, I jumped on a plane and went back to the UK for support. I hated his thought process but I still loved him. A week later, he told me about OW, who he had never even met (you can read my story later, if interested).

Anyhow, on my birthday in July (I had returned back home by then), I got the anger I needed and I packed his bags, even though he had already left. I got all the hatred which I imagine that you are currently feeling and I promised myself that I was done with him. The next day, I loved him like I always have.

I don't know what to tell you other than to read, read and keep on reading from here on in ... I think that if you check the 'menu' there is a section for WAS's and you may get some good insight there. If you do stick out the NC thing, it may be the best 180 that you could ever do and boy is your WAW in for a shock!

Like most, your situation is different to mine as you have kids involved. That inextricably links you. Sometimes, I wish that I had that too. It's tougher on me now but may be easier later, if H files for D. Don't know how you would view your situation in that regard.

I think that you are right in not confronting OM - to what end?? WAW will do as she pleases and you being confrontational will only give her ammunition for how she feels about you right now - it will validate her negativity. Sit tight and buckle up.

The trust issue is huge but can be overcome, in time. I'm telling you this because it's what I believe, even though you are not in that headspace at the moment - and why would you be??

I hear your anger and I feel your pain - it's why we share what we do here. Make this about you for now - we know that is what works. If you concentrate on you, it will be better on the kids and I know that is what is important to you. We know that to look after ourselves is the primary goal so early on ... keep yourself busy for now and I will check back later.

I am just out the door for my second counselling session but I will return.

Go do something physical but profitable for your anger ... too much adrenaline and no-where to channel it won't do you any good. Got some trees to chop???