Need Advice, WAW wants to give it a month

[trrose]

Emotional ones?

could be she's depressed and maybe got a bit of post-prtum after your youngest was born.

Stuck, if i had a $ for everyone who mentioned this i would have $100! she is in counselling and on meds. when i told my dr the dosage she was on he mentioned it was high and that she should get a second opinion. i brought this up to her in april and she refused.

reg the emotional stuff she mentioned that i am a lot like her mother (go figure) that when she brings stuff up to me she doesnt know how im going to react.. so she doesnt feel comfotable sharing things with me..she also says that if she tells me things she thinks i will use against her in an arguement.

she wants to be with someone non judgemental, i told her unless she is planning on marrying her therapist she will have a tuff time with that. in real life husbands and wives are going to be judgemental its just the way it is when you care about someone

[trrose]

reg the emotional stuff she mentioned that i am a lot like her mother

when she told me this the other night my brain was saying, "when the he!! is this going to end!"

[MrBond]

"she wants to be with someone non judgemental, i told her unless she is planning on marrying her therapist she will have a tuff time with that. in real life husbands and wives are going to be judgemental its just the way it is when you care about someone"

Here's where you're wrong. You should never be judgmental towards your partner. You have your opinions, sure, but you have to respect your partner's POV even if YOU think it's wrong.

There's your problem right there. If you told her that real husband and wives are going to be judgmental, she probably shut down right there. I have a feeling that you might be letting your negative "judgment" of her show and I wouldn't want that either.

Think of it like a parent talking to a child. That's why she's relating that you're like her mom. She's a grown woman. Let her make some simple decisions and let it build. I can see how that might have preyed on her self-esteem issues and depression.

You have to build her up and mean it. She can tell when you're doing it to kiss butt. Next time she talks, just sit and listen. You mentioned how you lost it in this last conversation with her. Pure selfishness on your part. That's your 2x4.

Let her make her own decisions and respect them as her own. I think you need to change that part of you before she feels safe around you again.

[MrBond]

It's really not that hard to figure out. She told you everything that was wrong. You just need to learn to listen.

[aliveandkicking]

let her do the work

what work are you referring to?

The work you seem to have referred to in a few posts, of getting a divorce.

Slow down, breathe. Most people here are dealing with the D word, that is why we're here.

The problem is that you don't really like her and you don't know if you want to be married to her (IMO)...you are in a good position to detach and make peace with the possibilities and your judgement will subside which will in turn help your communication.

I don't know how to not judge someone (H) who is threatening my family and the welfare of my children. However, I've backed off and I communicate with him when I am able to respect that he has a right to make his choices and I make mine. My sitch is different and extreme but it is the same principle.

[trrose]

ok I hear u..but isn't there a thin line there? for example, if she stays out till 1030 w/o calling and thinks its ok...how can I not show judgement?
u r right there r times I speak to her like she's a kid..its probably bec I've lost respect for her somewhere along the line

[aliveandkicking]

if she stays out till 1030 w/o calling and thinks its ok...how can I not show judgement?

This is sooo hard, and I know it but I think you focus on you and your boundaries and what you are willing to accept and you express it without a judgmental tone. Matter of fact, not about messing with her but taking care of you.

Coooooaaaaacccchhhh...(he's really the pro with this).

[Dia]

Devil's advocate - why is is NOT ok for her to stay out past 10:30? She's an adult, right? She probably had a later curfew when she was a teenager.

Seriously - think about why.

Because you worry? Sorry, deal with that on your own.

Because it drives you crazy wondering where she is or who she's with? Again, sorry, but for the moment, keep this stuff to yourself and/or let it go.

Because it sticks you with the kids for hours on end? Ok, so you can lay down a calm, clear boundary aimed at fair division of childcare hours, such as telling her that YOU will be out on such and such a night and she will need to take care of the children. If she objects that she has plans then, then the two of you need to sit down and draw up a schedule or establish some ground rules about giving the other notice when one of you will be out.

Because it's disrespectful? Well, yes it is but telling her that may not get you much of anywhere at present. Again, though, you could assert a boundary about being respectful of your time and your schedule, but that boundary really only means that she should tell you via text, phone or email that she will be out late on a certain night.

[MrBond]

Is it something she does all the time? She probably feels that when you complain about her not calling, you're controlling her or keeping tabs on her like a parent.

Does she tell you where she's going and when she's coming back or does she just disappear? If she says stuff like she's going out with a friend after work, you could just ask her around what time she might be home so you don't get worried.

If she has been going out alot and neglecting her duties as a mother, then politely remind her that the children look forward to seeing her and want to spend the time with her. Or something like that.

You can't tell her that she can't go out after 10:30 because it isn't proper. That's your issue and not hers.

Are there any other examples.

[trrose]

The problem is that you don't really like her and you don't know if you want to be married to her

you are dead on. throw in lack of respect as well.
I know we go through mood swings but im feeling insecure right now and have lack of focus...i feel like i love my W but so angry bec she doesnt love me.

i have to have a plan to work on me