Another One Bites the Dust? 2 - Need Help ASAP!

[MommaDucki]

So, I had another thread going, and wanted a new one because I'm really at a loss here about a trip I'm taking next week to see H.

Some rather long posts from me, can read here if you want: Ducki's story part 1

Here's a very brief rundown of my sitch though:
H and I have been separated for almost 7 months now. Have a D, 18 months old, and when we separated, I moved from TX to Indiana to live with my parents. After about 3 months, H moved in with OW, and has been living with her since. I've been GALing, 180ing, and basically DB my butt off this whole time. Small positive changes have happened, and back in May, H realized he'd rather be with me than OW, and moved up here to be a family again. After only 3 days, H had a "revelation" as he put it that we'd moved to quickly, he wasn't ready to have jumped back into a M and I agreed. One thing I'd always done with him was tell him no to anything he asked, or to at least hesitate to a decision he wanted to make. When he told me he wanted to move up here with D and I, I thought I was doing a good 180 by saying ok to him...not a good 180 to have done...was nice to hear he wanted to work on things...not nice to have done it so soon because he left again and of course went back to OW. He told me a lot of things when he left that he later admitted were only words he thought I'd want to hear because the truth was he doesn't want to be married to me and realized when he got here how truly right he and OW are for each other. So, since May, a lot has happened, and I still don't know how I've managed to stay sane. Can go into more details later if anyone wanted to know, but for now, here's my dilemna:


So, I'd typed out a very detailed post about my trip to TX next week, got very sleepy towards the end, and realized I only previewed my post and never actually posted....lost it all, and have been wracking my brain to try to remember some of the things I'd said...

So, here goes:

I'm going down to TX next Thursday...reasons for this trip are to let H spend his bday with D, to see my in-laws and have a bday party with them (H, father-in-law, and niece all have bdays within 2 days of each other, so it's a combined party, with the exception of H not being included cuz his dad doesn't want to see or talk to him right now), and also to visit a girlfriend of mine down there who recently had a baby. OH! and also, H wants to sit down and talk face to face about us and divorce.

I have been saving for this trip for a couple of months now, so H wasn't even asked for a penny to help me fund ths trip. In the end, i accepted H offering to pay for my hotel room, even though it's technically OW's money paying for it. I have been trying to save money for a car for myself, so I considered his offer a bonus...I'd be saving that money which I can now put towards a car! (hooray for small steps?)

So, H's very upset with me that as soon as i land, I'm heading to my girlfriend's house to visit instead of bringing D right to him. I don't even care. I mean, I understand his point, but my friend is only available that day...her and her family have an unplanned trip they need to take, and thought they'd be around that whole weekend, and now can't be.

When I get back to my hotel, I'm so afraid of how everything will play out. I'm feeling so much better about myself these days, and am afraid that seeing H and OW together is just going to cause everything I've been working on with myself to come crashing down around me.

If you haven't read my other thread, OW was a friend of mine for many years. She's not even divorced from her own H yet. H and OW both decided around the same time that they wanted to D their SOs for a very similar reason...both felt "too domesticated". I have talked to OW about specific reasons why she wants to D her H, and it's too ironic to me that so many reasons she wants to D are either petty problems, or the same problems H and I have with each other. H and OW are probably good for each other right now. They're both being crazy together, so I've backed off and just don't ask questions...now, I do wish they'd stop giving me info I'm not asking for in the first place, but how do I get them to understand me when I say, "Please stop filling me in on the details of your lives"?

H's bday is next Friday, and he wants to have a small bday party with some of his friends because he'd like them to meet D (where he lives now is a different city than we lived in when D was born, and most of our friends in that area haven't seen her yet). I have no problem with this, other than OW. Sometimes she gets too carried away talking about D with H....She has an air about her that she's already D's stepmom and it bothers me....REALLY BOTHERS ME! I get so angry by this sometimes that I'm tempted to tell H to cancel my hotel room...I'll get my own, and if he wants to come there and see D, he can, but only him...OW isn't allowed. Then there's the other side of me that says, "OW was a friend of mine, especially when I was pregnant, and after D was born, and I'd like her to see my pride and joy." I'm just so torn and don't know what to do!

D hasn't ever been to the zoo, so Saturday morning, H and I are taking her. OW was told she's not allowed to come with. She says she's ok with that. Her coming would be an intrusion...LOL!

Saturday afternoon, I'll be headed to my in-laws house for the bday party. H and his father are NOT talking right now. My father-in-law would rather not talk to or see H right now because he doesn't agree with anything H's been doing...says the correct order of things is: separate from SO, decide if it's best to work it out or D, if D, then D, and heal for a bit, THEN start a new relationship...not start a new R, move in with OW, and still not D. H doesn't want to talk to his dad cuz he doesn't want to be lectured.

After I get back from the party, H and I have decided we will sit down and talk one on one about stuff going on. My therapist has asked me to work on a list of things I'm willing and not willing to talk to him about. I had a pretty good list in that post that never posted, so I'm hoping I can recreate it....

Will talk about:

-A few things regarding D(daughter).
-a few dicipline concerns H and I have.
-what happens to D in the event that I pass away.
-what happens to D in the event H passes away.
-what happens to D in the event H and I both pass away.
-H just accepted a new job back in the city D was born in, and he's moving back there in two weeks. All our things are still there in storage, so I'm willing to talk to him about the possibility of him taking a few of those items for his new place.
-Want to establish a payment plan for him that can start as soon as he gets his first paycheck to get caught up on child support.

Will NOT talk with him about:

-I refuse to discuss terms of a D. H has every hope that D is all we will talk about. As I've told him before, I accept that this is the decision he's made, but I don't agree with it. One of the probs between H and I has always been that I'm the one to take care of situations. He views a D as a sitch, and he's already admitted to me that he keeps doing the things he's doing to try to get me to file. He has very selfish reasons for this. If I D him, I look like the bad guy in his friends eyes, he gets to feel as if he didn't hurt me by serving me papers, AND he doesn't have to spend his money on the filing and serving. OW told me all of this..I do have record of it in fact.
-At this point, like I've said, I just keep focusing on me, and I feel as if H and I sit down to work out the details of D, I may as well be the one filing, because I'm telling him exactly what to write on the petition...kinda feeding into him, and I've done that too much in the past, so I'll need all my strength to hold firm on this stance.

-I won't talk about mine and H's relationship.
-H has made it clear to me in many ways that he wishes this were easier...that he wanted a R with OW and could still imagine being M to me, and just be content with it that way. He says he just doesn't feel that way about me anymore and plain and simple just doesn't want to be married to me any longer. That he knows "for fact" that if we worked through out problems, it could be weeks, months, or years down the road, but we'd end up in the same sitch we're in now, and he'd rather just D to avoid the inevitable. Also told me that it takes two to work on things, and he doesn't want to work on anything with me at all.
-For the time being, I can drop all talk about our R. H says when our D is final, he and I can sit and analyze to death every little thing that was wrong between us, but not till after a D. (lol) I have stopped talking about our R, and he's been acting funny towards me now because of it.

-I will not talk about his R with OW.
-I have told them both that I'm tired of hearing details about their lives.

-Again, I'll state I WILL NOT TALK ABOUT DIVORCE!!! lol


Does any of this sound reasonable? Does anyone have any suggestions or advice for me about this trip? I'm trying to tell myself over and over that I'll be OK seeing them together, etc, but when it's all actually happening, I'm nervous. Very very nervous!

Sorry this post was longer than intended.