My Story - Help!

[neversaydie63]

Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting here so here goes!

I have been reading Michele’s book, the DR for about 4 weeks now am in to step 6 now. I wish I would have found it a year ago when things started going south but at least we are not “D” yet.

Here is my story, I am 46 and my W is 47, we just celebrated our 20-year anniversary back in Feb and were dating for 4 years before getting married. We have no children. I work in a job that requires me to travel a lot (about 50% of the time) and my wife does not work much, she has her own media /web company but only works at it maybe 8 hours /week at the most.

Things all seemed to be going along great for the last 19 (or at least I thought so) years but at the beginning of 2008, something changed in my wife, I noticed that she seemed very angry and would get upset at the smallest things. I would ask her why so was so angry and she would say that she was not. Some changes for her in 2008 were that she had hurt her back and was in a lot of pain and had to go in for cortisone shots twice over the period of 3 months or so. Also, our dog of 12+ years died in early January and she was laid up in bed in pain for a few months while trying to get better from the back injury. I tried to be as supportive as possible but I still had to travel during that time due to my job. In May of 08 she started seeing a therapist and, at that time she told me it was for her anger issues with her mother. In June of 08 she ask me to go to the therapist (which I did) on my own for a few sessions. At the end of July we started to go together for marriage counseling and it seem to be going along OK but every time after the session, I would leave feeling worse than before. It seemed as if my wife would wait until these sessions to unload on me about all the things wrong with our relationship and me. In August of 08, she stopped telling me she loved me or if I told her I loved her, she would not respond back the same way – That really hurt! Since that time she seemed withdrawn and not very affectionate towards me. It always seemed as if I was pushing rope uphill as far as making a loving connection between us. In the therapy session, the counselor would always ask how we were doing and I would normally start and be positive (because there was positive changes) and she would always be negative about how things were going and would bring up the smallest, silliest things that “were a big problem” that may have happened that week prior.

At the beginning of Feb, 2009, we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary and on Feb 20, 2009, during a therapy session, she announced that she had made a decision that she was moving out! I was very shocked and hurt when I heard this and after the initial blow, I started to probe around and had found out that she had been talking to a Physic/clairvoyant/life coach who had been encouraging her to move out a get away from me to find her “True Love” and that I was never the right man for her!
At the beginning of March I confronted her with this and she denied it, just saying that she was helping this person with a media project but a few weeks later I showed her the emails that I had found on the computer (in our marriage counselors office) and she was enraged and accused me of being nosy and controlling. However, I caught her in a lie and she was very upset and could not deny that she and this woman had much more of an involvement than she said earlier. I told her that if we were going to try and make our marriage work, that she needed to stop talking to this “Psychic/Life coach” and that we needed to continue work with our marriage therapist to put things back on track.

In April, when I was on a week long business trip, she moved out. She never really even gave me a reason other than she said that she needed to work some things out herself and figure out “why she allowed certain things to happen in her life and our life together” We continued to go to therapy every week and talk and even go out on “Date Nights” once a week and spend Sunday together and go to church. In the middle of June, she started going to another therapist and stopped seeing our marriage counselor on and individual level and then at the beginning of July, she announced (in Marriage therapy) that she was no longer getting anything out of it and wanted us to stop going to Marriage therapy as well. I was once again shocked but not entirely in disagreement with her as it did seem like I was really the only one who wanted to try in the marriage counseling sessions and I had felt for a while that we were not getting a lot out of the sessions.

In the middle of July, I picked up Michele’s Book, the Divorce Remedy and have been reading that when I can and have tried to apply some of the principals in the book to our marriage. We are still separated (over 4 months now) and I have no idea if she is still talking to her “Clairvoyant” friend or not, I have asked her just a few times and she says she is not but I just don’t know since my trust level with her has been compromised. We continue to talk almost every day (short conversations or phone tag) and do see each other twice to 3 times /week. We have not spent the night together since she moved out nor have we made love since that time.

Soooooooooooooooo, that is it in a nutshell, sorry to ramble on and write this long winded message but that is all the facts in a nutshell. I would love to hear from others who are in a similar situation and any advice that the group can offer up would be much appreciated.

Thanks for listening.

Neversaydie63

[harpo]

NSD Glad you found us sorry your here.

Take a deep breath,exhale be ready for the long haul.read the books be patient upbeat and positive.work on you.

keep checking in post often it will help to vent.

Good Luck
God Bless

[neversaydie63]

Hi Harpo,

I am trying to be patient but it is hard. We have been seperated for 4 months now and I am not sure how long it will take.

We went on a "date night" last eve. She met me at our house and we went to a movie, seemed to go well but after dinner we went out for a lat dinner and she seemed distant. She seems as though she is still angry and throws out little comments about the way I would react in the past. I did not bite, just smiled and continued on with our conversation.

Like I said, I travel a lot with work so when I am home I would like to see her. How much should I call her or try and do things with her. Curently we talk or veave VM for each other once /day and see each other 2 - 3 times /week. Is that too much or not enough?

Lots of questions and want to make sure I am doing all the right things here.
NSD

[harpo]

NSD

sometimes less is better.don't make her feel pressured or that you are persuing her that will just drive her further away.I know it's tough but be patient and wait for her give her space and time to sort things out.believe it or not she is hurting too.just be there when she needs it.as far as the anger this will come and go.don't make it appear as if you are trying to hard to change.this will only aggravate her more...baby steps, slow steady don't fall.

God Bless

[neversaydie63]

Hey Harpo,

Thanks for that -- this thing has been a roller coaster and I go from feeling great about the way things are going to feeling horrible. Like last night for instance, we met at church, which we have been doing for several months now (a big 180 for me on that one since I never went to church with her before other than Christmas and Easter) It was really interesting but the priest was talking about Marriage and how arguing and having disagreements make us stronger and that the husband and wife really become one> He talked about loving yourself before you can love others and that, even in the rough times, we cannot give up on the sacrament of marriage and that the vows we took, "in good times and in bad, through sickness and health.... till death do us part" are something that we all need to cherish, to live by and hold steady , even when things are bad! -WOW, I did not say a thing to her but we just sat and listened. It was almost like he was sitting in a room just talking to the two of us even though the church had over 200 people there.

Dinner and a movie at My (our house) was great even though she said I was presumptuous in thinking that she wanted to come to the house for dinner instead of going out. But I did not engage, I just smiled and agreed with her and we had a nice eve. The only thing that I felt bad about was the goodnight kiss, she seemed to pull away (I don’t know, maybe I was going for it a little more aggressively than just the peck on the lips) I just don’t know as this is all so new for me and I never got the instruction manual when I said "I do" 20 odd years ago.

So, other than those few little things, it was good. We are going to a wedding next sat and she did tell me when and where and what she would be wearing so that I could dress appropriately so maybe (I think) that is a positive sign, a small, baby step. Trying to keep positive.

Thanks again for listening

NSD

How are you doing with your situation? -- Do you talk and see your spouse much?
Sorry, don’t mean to pry but it seems like I am the one here singing the blues and I know we all have our problems here.