Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I kinda feel like I've been beaten up a little bit. I was going to take a break from this forum, but it is too important to me. Look, I have been through a divorce that happened because my wife cheated on me. It was a very traumatic experience for me as I loved my ex-wife very much. After I found out about the affair, I realized there were signs that I missed because I didn't want to see them. I didn't want to believe that the woman I love most in the world would betray me. I didn't want to see them. But they were there. Now, I have posted things here about my W and her relations with a childhood friend with whom she dated on and off in high school. She remained friends with him since. Yeah, some of her actions seemed fishy, but she also has been under a lot of stress and possible depression. I also have an old female friend who went through a divorce the same time I did. Back then, there were no texting cell phones. But we spent hours on the regular phone. Now, I text her very often, she has moved across the state. She is happily married now. We text a lot, and even phone a lot. I have no desire to have an affair with her, nor does she with me. Granted, I am not the one who is unhappy in my marriage. For every argument that my W is having an affair, I have a counter argument that she is not. I'm not going to keep writing them out here. So, I have lived through a marriage and divorce with an adulterous spouse. I have that experience. I have a good idea what to look for, and I don't see it here. What I do see is a woman who is hurting and most likely doesn't realize it. She has lost her mother and very close sister in law. She has dealt with a second bankruptcy claim, and a husband who did not step up to the plate in a time of crisis. She has had serious post partum depression after the birth of our first child. All of this, and more small things weighing on a person who self-admittedly does not handle stress well. I contributed as much to the problems of this M as she has. I have tried very hard to own up to that fact. In my W's mind, it may be too late. But I am trying damn hard to do the right and necessary thing to help her heal and hopefully repair our marriage. I know part of that process is improving myself, and I think I have made at least some progress there This is the route I am going to save my marriage. You better believe I am doing the best possible things I can for me, my wife, and my children. At this point, yeah, she still has the power to influence my mood. I am hurt, sad, and pissed off. But at home she sees a relatively happy, well adjusted man who loves his family and can't get enough of his kids. And soon, I am going to BE that happy man who can't get enough of his kids, and yes, God willing, his wife, too. Thank you all very much for all of your responses to my posts and your advice, and your concern. All of you. I will continue to choose which advice to follow as I see best that fits my situation, but will welcome all advice. I would appreciate some people keeping apparent agendas out of the process. In the end, I will be fine. I know that. I didn't think I would ever recover from my divorce from my first wife. I requested desk duty at work and voluntarily turned in my weapons for a short period of time. I moved back in with my parents and was miserable. But I pulled out of it, and that was without support from people like you in a forum like this. So, again, thank you, and please continue to pray for me and read and respond to my posts, as I will continue to do the same for yours. As Robert DeNiro said in one of my favorite movies, "Brazil", "remember, we're all in this together."
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
You sound grounded this morning. Hopefully, I'm right.
You have to live your sitch, and no one knows your M better than YOU. Some people's approach may not be as tactful or sugarcoated as others, but I gain wisdom from everyone's posts, even the ones that are "to the point" without any sugar.
You know what to look for as far as red flags. I'm not gonna beat a dead horse other than to say keep your eyes open. I think you will. You're a big boy.
But, I also think regardless of what may or may not be present on the A issue, you still have to detach, if for no other reason than for your own peace of mind. It has helped me immensely and has given me the strength to carry on in my current sitch. That and a LOT of prayer.
Don't know that I am saying anything more than I already have. Just wanted you to know I am pulling for you and will continue to pray for you.
Thanks. I know the importance of detaching. Admittedly, I am having a hard time, but am trying. And my eyes are open. They always have been. After my first experience, as soon as I realized this M was in trouble, that was one of the first things I looked for, and have been looking since. I do feel pretty grounded. I know what must be done. That doesn't mean I am not sad, though. But I have a weekend filled with family events coming up, and I am off from work all next week and it will be just me and the boys. I have a bunch of things to do and places to go lined up. It should be a good week.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
By the way, I posted in the "Just For Fun" section about cricket. If anyone follows cricket, please visit my other thread.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I believe I have learned something about the difference between detaching and withdrawing. If I try to start a conversation, W might join it, whereas if I don't she won't initiate. True, most times she won't fully enter the conversation, but sometimes she does. Otherwise we just politely ignore each other in the house. Normally I am a quiet person, and for most of our M, she would start conversations and we would talk. I feel that by not trying to talk to her at all, it might seem like I am actually sulking. So, I will try to talk to her about stuff. Not R stuff, just everyday stuff and see what happens. We are doing some family things this weekend, and as I have posted before, she many times is more open to talking during those times. We shall see.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I have heard of it. I will have to add it to my book list. I wish I could see time as a friend. Right now I feel like time is a predator, constantly stalking me, ready to pounce. Funny, I always thought of time as a companion before. Always there, but not threatening.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Orich, my sitch has similarities with yours. I`ve had a hard time detaching too and not letting my mood be affected by H. Plus he`s living in the same house, and we`ve very little convo between us. If you get a chance, drop by my second thread,to read a recent post where I`ve written about my last visit with my therapist. She really hit me with H`s perspective on me.
Wham!Its helped me see my role in our M breakdown-yes, he`s the one who had the affair, he physically threatened me, he`s looking for separation, he`s got huge anger issues. But in lots of ways, I drove him to that.
Its really helped me to truly detach.And to finally see my role in things.I feel as guilty as all hell now. And know its beyond my control to fix things-I can just try to fix me. H may come around in his own time.
Maybe you need a mirror to yourself in that way. I`ve done a lot of the changes that H looked for. No not just cos he looked for them but I also want to be a better me for me.
Its good but its not enough. I`ve got to dig deeper and change the whole dynamic of our 17 year marriage. By changing my whole character.
The woman I am/was wasn`t looking for a real man but someone weaker than herself. No I`m not saying that`s true for you. You may have to look at what that inital dynamic was and decide whether it was a healthy one for both of you.
Sorry you got clubbed towards the end of the last thread.I don`t know if my H is having an affair right now. Its easy to jump to conclusions. But, even if he is, believe there is still hope that we can survive this.
