Still GALing, doing some 180s that seem to be working... Seeing some small changes right now but they could all reverse tomorrow b/c of his personality disorder.
I want to keep journaling here because it helps me to document what is going on, particularly if I should need to demonstrate for a custody situation how very little he is involved in our son's day-to-day life.
I haven't been calling him or emailing him except if it was urgent about our son. I've been very consistent with that and with my moods and interactions with him. We've had very little contact but I never let him (despite his efforts) draw me into any conflict. If he starts to rage, I calmly tell him that I do not like the way he is talking to me and either walk away or politely end the phone call. He always calls me back right away and once apologized for losing his temper.
Recently, I decided to stop answering his calls right away. I also decided not to talk to him when he calls for our son at night. This has frustrated him I think too. When he calls my office, I let my voicemail pick up; I'm honestly so busy with work that I can't get back to him right away. Since he doesn't have anyone else to rage at anymore, I think my making myself unavailable to him is driving him crazy. He called my office 6 times today! I was in my office and did not answer the phone. Instead, I let my voicemail pick up. Then he tried calling me on my cell phone. He called me again in my office and I finally answered. He sounded frustrated and confused that I had not returned his call, even though we agreed to discuss most of the logistical stuff over email. I explained how busy work has been. Then we talked about logistics for our son's upcoming visit. He "dragged out" the conversation and has been doing that for a few days now. But I always make a point to end the call first. This is working for me because the less contact we have right now, the better it is for me to detach and regain focus on my life.
Our son is doing ok. He's showing a lot of anger, hitting me from time to time (which I immediately address) and he continues to have some distress during the day, missing his Dad the most in the mornings and at night. Those are the hardest times of day for him. I have so much compassion for my little man; it breaks my heart into a million little pieces to see him like this and miss his Daddy so much. I validate how he feels and even say that I miss Daddy too. This always calms him down and then I redirect him to something else. I am trying not to let it make me angry at my husband, but some days it takes all that I have to not scream at the Heavens about why this is all happening. Of course, my husband gets defensive whenever I tell him that our son is acting out. Our son doesn't display this anger with him, so I must be doing something wrong, right? Ugh. Of course he blame-shifts and tries to make me feel badly that our son is acting out. Now he blames bad behavior on the fact that my Mom and I buy him new toys. I admit to spoiling our son. But, again, ugh. I can see it for what it is now...emotional manipulation and projection. I'm sure that my husband feels guilty on some level.
Tomorrow, our son has a visit with a play therapist. She has been helping him for a few weeks now. And no surprise that my husband thinks the therapy is a waste of time and money. Fortunately, the therapist is very good and will see right through his tactics to question the validity/utility of the play therapy.
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
EO Good for you!! It sounds like you are taking care of the situation with H perfectly. And you're getting great results. Keep it up.
In terms of your S....that was one of the reasons I told H he could move out, but he had to stay with S twice a week and take him during his weekend, every other weekend. In our situation, my H can't take S overnight because H has to be at work before the rooster starts screaming and S is only 3. But I do believe because H is around those two nights, it settle S. H's father was in a profession where he was gone over night every week, but was home every two nights for two nights. So H knew his father was going to be home...so no stress on H as a child. I pointed out that fact to him and that was my gold winner. H does stay at our place his two nights a week. I told him he could stay in the guest room. Originally he did. That lasted maybe three nights. He's been in our room ever since and on his weekends, when he could take S to his place, he stays at ours.
Hi, Stronger. Thanks! I know that, if there is any chance for reconciliation, I have to first work on getting myself healthy to be the best Mom I can be at all times and be very patient. Establishing boundaries, detaching, these have been my hurdles to overcome. I've been doing better with those things. I'm trying not to get my hopes up (despite being an eternal optimist!) b/c the reality is that DBing doesn't work for ppl with personality disorders. My H needs therapy. I think the more I detach, the more it will push H to hit bottom. Only after he hits bottom will he probably seek some help or get support b/c the few friends and family that he still speaks to will urge him to do it. Eventually, his disorder will be more evident when he can no longer blame me for all that is wrong in his life. That's my guess anyway... Time is on my side b/c he can't afford to eat much less file for divorce. I refuse to file. I got screwed over by my lawyer already b/c H only wanted a verbal separation agreement; I insisted on something written so that put the ball in my court to get the paperwork done. Big mistake. My lawyer cost more than his and this was all his doing! I felt very duped. Alas, that is in the past; lesson learned for me.
Your visitation schedule for your S sounds like it is working. How long have you been separated? When your H went from the guest bedroom back to your room, did he ask to do that or did it just happen? My H never slept in our bedroom after we moved into our new house two years ago b/c he always complained about it being too bright, my snoring keeping him awake, his sleep disorder, preferring to sleep alone, etc. So ever since we moved, he'd sleep in the guest bedroom. What a mistake that was b/c it eliminated what little intimacy we'd had!
My H has had very little to do with our son since he moved out about a month ago. I'm hoping this will change. He picks him up from school Mondays and Wednesdays and calls to say good-night every night. But the quality or extended time with him has been limited. Anyone can pick up a child from school, as my lawyer reminded me. He did take him for a few days on a trip with friends at the end of August and for the day on a Saturday or two, but had to run in a lot of marathons/races most every weekend. So we really couldn't start a weekend rotation schedule. On the first Saturday that H had our son, he called me three hours BEFORE their visit was to end and said "We are done. Can I bring him back early?" It was sad. Shows you where his priorities are. In the past two weeks, he has taken him for two overnights. I was glad for that but still worry what emotional state my H has been in when our son is there. H has very little patience and has a controlling, authoritarian style of parenting, which invalidates our son and sends him into meltdowns. That is about it for now. I know that our son feels desperately sad and misses his Daddy terribly. It breaks my heart. No young child should ever have to go through this... My son is only 4 1/2.
How is your S coping with the transition?
Last edited by eternaloptimist; 09/11/0904:11 AM.
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
My H and I have been separated since November. So almost one year I’ve been DBing. My H doesn’t live me right now, but he does stay there two nights during the week (normally) and on the weekends. At first when I put my foot down, what happened was this: H can’t take S overnight during the week because S is only 3 and H has to be at work very very early. I told him I am not raising this kid alone. I didn’t’ have him alone, I won’t do this alone and I told him he was going to stay at our place two nights during the week and could take S to his place for his weekends. As of now, there’s only been two nights my S has slept at H’s place. And on H’s weekends, he’s still at our place. His doing, not mine. He spent the first two nights, maybe three in the guest room during the week nights when we started this. Then by his own doing, he wanted to sleep in our room. He said “The guest room bed sucks.” Oh, ok.
I will admit that H is a good to amazing father. Good on his bad days and amazing most every other time. S is enamored with H. I’m very lucky, I know. S is transitioning just fine. And I told H that’s because he’s there’s twice a week over night and S knows Daddy will be there and it’s comfort to him. It’s just like if Daddy were a doctor or fire fighter or a cop. Honestly, I don’t think it ever occurred to H the impact of him being there overnight with S was having. I think he agrees with me, but he didn’t say anything just nodded. Who knows?
Do you have any ability to make your H take S? I have a very good girlfriend who’s been my rock through this. She is divorced and her daughter is now in grad school. But when her D was younger, my friend had to force her H to take their D. He did not want to. In recent days, her D said she remembered that. She remember that my friend forced ex-H to take D and basically force him to have a relationship with their D. And he did. He eventually grew to love his time with D.
