Separated and Stuck?

[eternaloptimist]

I decided to end my other post (my first one) b/c it was getting very long. But I put it in my siggy for reference.

The main thing I'm struggling with now is how to feel like I'm moving forward...and not feel stuck that we continue to grow apart as separated people. I think I'm ok with GALing and detaching b/c I think I am doing those things. I do not call him. I do not email him. I don't call his friends or family. We basically have almost no interaction at all.

Now that H has moved out, how can I set realistic goals for anything to progress in a positive way? I try to make sure each interaction is positive, not negative.

Any one else in this boat?

[Phoenixdeux]

EO,

I glanced through the other thread and all I could think is that you are a doormat for him to wipe his feet on. "Hi honey, how was your day?" all sweetly does not apply when dealing with an angry jerk like your husband. Coach got back together with his wife...why? Because he changed and she liked those changes. Your husband doesn't even deserve to come back...what do you want him for? Miss being his emotional/verbal punching bag?

In the time since you first wrote I don't hear much in the way of you detaching from him and moving forward. Don't ask about his bad day. Change the locks so he realizes it isn't his house any more. Can you walk right into his place without a knock? Don't be available to him. If he starts to go ballistic on you, walk away or hang up the phone (whichever the case may be), but mainly don't put yourself in a situation where he can go off on you. He's the one unhappy with life and with you....so why isn't he just staying out of your hair?

[Phoenixdeux]

Now that H has moved out, how can I set realistic goals for anything to progress in a positive way? I try to make sure each interaction is positive, not negative.

p.S. I don't think you set goals at the moment for your H and you. I think you set goals for yourself and work towards them. Your husband needs to deal with his own issues and you on yours. So, if you keep your goals about yourself (ie I'll lose 10 pounds, I'll learn to cook better, I'll spend an hour of undivided attention with my son, I'll find two new friends by the end of the month, I will walk away if H starts railing on me) then those are goals that you can achieve on the road to being a better eternaloptimist.

[eternaloptimist]

Thanks, Phoenixdeux. I appreciate your comments and insights. I've asked myself many of the same questions you posed...why on Earth would I want H back when he treated me so poorly? Why have I tolerated being treated with such contempt? I guess it is b/c I thought H was depressed and why would I leave someone who has a mental illness? Now that I know he has a personality disorder, I still feel the same way.

I've got to just do what everyone here recommends, make changes for myself and my son no matter what happens. Thanks again for your support and thoughts.

[eternaloptimist]

Quick update on things...

Working on my GALing and detaching in a big way today. We changed drop-off/pick-up so it's now at a neutral place. H can no longer just come and go from the house. This has helped me feel better, less stressed. I took the day off of work and relaxed with my Mom, looking at paint samples to paint the house, etc. Also, I'm having a party at my house! A housewarming party! Since we never had one for either house we bought in the past three years, I thought it would be good for my soul and my friends. Although many of my friends wanted it to be a divorce party, I've made it clear that I want it to be a housewarming/good Karma party instead. Taking the happy road! H is taking our son on a long weekend 6-hours away so no worries that the party will kick H into some kind of jealous rage. H has been waffling about the trip for weeks now but his best friend convinced him to go on the trip with him and his family. So my reaction to the news was upbeat, saying our son would have a great time. I'm sure he expected me to be bitter or angry about it---but I'm sincerely not. Without being a doormat (which I'm now seeing I need to be more firm but friendly), I offered for them to take the portable DVD player for the trip.

Today we had a detailed, pleasant phone call about our work schedules and picking up son. I'm making more plans for my new life with or with H.

[eternaloptimist]

Posting an update...

I've pretty much gone dark as much as I can. I don't email or call unless I have something urgent to share about our son. Now I realize why divorce busting hasn't really worked for me---I've come to realize that my husband has an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder (BPD). I think there are perhaps others here who have spouses with this disorder. If so, I'd love to hear from you!

I know that it is not ideal to "diagnose" my husband myself. But when he has 8 out of the 9 criteria in the DSM IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), it is hard to ignore or discount rational science. I'm struggling to focus on myself because I also realize how co-dependent I have been. I'm documenting everything like crazy now because my H's dysregulated anger continues. Yesterday, when he came to pick our son up for his 2nd overnight visit since we separated, it was cold outside. My H tried to get our son to wear a pullover jacket to keep warm. No problem there. But, when our son refused, my H got so angry and "fed up" that he stormed out of the house and yelled at our son that he was leaving. My heart just broke. All of the abandonment that our son is feeling is just being aggravated by my husband's actions and words. To think that a grown man would get so upset over something so small and his need to CONTROL our son...well, it just makes me so upset. My husband did come back in the house. But, our son threw a tantrum on the ground thinking that his Daddy had left. Clearly, my H needs help. But he won't do anything about it. In his own words, "I don't need help. I'm fine. I just need to get away from you."

Everyone asks me, "Why on Earth would you want to be with someone who obviously doesn't treat you or your son with love and respect?" Well, I guess I've become disordered myself to some extent and can only remember all of the good things we shared over the past 17 years instead of the horrors of the past 3 years.

Moving on is so hard when the person you love is sick...needs help...has a mental illness. I was raised to believe that you don't abandon people with mental illness, you help them. I'm sure that is why I have endured so much emotional abuse. I only want to help (or is that rescue?) my husband.

[june72]

Hi eternal,

Sorry to here about hubby's behavior in front of son.

I know that DCBHM is dealing with a bipolar wife. He is in the midst of a divorce. He seems to have read a lot about bipolar and a has good grasp of it. Maybe you could get a hold of him in the infidelity section.

[eternaloptimist]

Hi eternal,

Sorry to here about hubby's behavior in front of son.

I know that DCBHM is dealing with a bipolar wife. He is in the midst of a divorce. He seems to have read a lot about bipolar and a has good grasp of it. Maybe you could get a hold of him in the infidelity section.

Hi, June. Thanks for your post and for mentioning DCBHM! I spent an entire evening reading all of his thread last week and could identify with so much of what he has been coping with for months and months. He hasn't posted in awhile, so I figured he was really busy with his sitch.

Thanks again.

[Stronger]

Eternal,
We all know why you are still fighting for this, even when we ask you why. Sometimes you need to hear the question to think it through and make sure your reasons for fighting for this is the right reasons.
For example: I don't want to be alone, I'd rather be with a jerk. Not a good reason.
Another example: Yes, I think he needs professional help and I'm willing to see this through to the end so I'll know I did everything I could no matter the outcome because I do love him and said through better or worse. Good reason.

[eternaloptimist]

Eternal,
We all know why you are still fighting for this, even when we ask you why. Sometimes you need to hear the question to think it through and make sure your reasons for fighting for this is the right reasons.
For example: I don't want to be alone, I'd rather be with a jerk. Not a good reason.
Another example: Yes, I think he needs professional help and I'm willing to see this through to the end so I'll know I did everything I could no matter the outcome because I do love him and said through better or worse. Good reason.

Hi, Stronger. Ah, yes...reflecting is good for the soul. I have reflected. I have bounced emotionally up and down for weeks now. Some days I do feel scared to be alone, and then I'm able to accomplish little things that make me feel self-sufficient like using power tools to take care of the house, learn how to mow the lawn, cook on the grill, etc. Other days I'm consumed by anger that I have to submit to a decision for my life and for our son's life that my H made without my consent, engulfed by sadness that our son will come from a "broken home" and that he too may end up feeling abandoned and vulnerable to this horrific personality disorder.

Other days I am reminded of the loyal and sweet man that I married nearly 18 years ago, how we were always there for each other through so many of life's tragedies, and how now he's too mentally ill to enjoy the life we waited to have for so long. It's so unfair to all of us.

Staying strong and positive for me and because it is the right thing for our son to see me happy.