My Intro: Thanks for Reading!

[RedSoxFan]

Hi All,

Here’s my sitch. I am a WAH who is deeply in love with the woman I walked away from. Vitals: married for 17 years together for 19, separated for 10 months. Wife 42 me 45. Three kids D9, S11, D13. Have read DB and spent time lurking on the forum. So here’s the story.

Our marriage has been up and down for many years. I have been a neglectful husband, focused on career, and not there when my wife needed me. I have suffered from depression on and off over those years. I often wasn’t around to support my wife and I didn’t understand her needs. We stopped working on our problems many years back, the walls went up and things slowly got worse and worse. She had a couple of affairs during those years (PA & EA) and I caught her and forgave her knowing that I hadn’t been there for her. I never even considered straying from her during all the years we were married. I have always loved her dearly though I haven’t always been equipped to deliver on that love.

Fast forward to a year and a half ago. I hit rock bottom in my life. I was more depressed than I had ever been. I was in counseling and meds. I felt worthless, unappreciated and unloved. I had been looking for happiness in all the wrong places, career, etc. You might say I hit MLC or rock bottom, however you want to look at it. I withdrew further than I ever had before. I asked my wife for time away from the marriage but she would not agree. I ended up gravitating to a female friend who was completing a divorce. We had been really good friends from the day we met. Suddenly someone appeared in my life who thought I was special, cared about me, appreciated me, thought I was smart and funny. We began having an affair. It was a beautiful escape from the hurt and awfulness I was feeling.

My wife eventually found out about the affair. We went to marriage counseling (we had done so several times in the past) but I was like a cornered animal. I was lying about the affair, trying to cover it up. She was begging me to reconcile and to save our family. Looking back, I had no idea what I was doing or saying. I was running scared and needed to get away from the hurt. At that time I didn’t agree to stop the affair and we stopped marriage counseling. I continued living at home and my wife kept coming to me asking me to reconcile. I was still feeling like a caged animal and I wouldn’t even discuss it. We went down the path of her saying she would give up and let go if I said I didn’t love her, etc., etc. So I did. I told her what I thought she needed to hear to leave me alone. That may have been one of the most hurtful things I’ve ever done and one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

After a few more months I moved out and have been living on my own for 10 months now. During that time many things happened. I continued in therapy. I began healing. I realized that genuine new relationships don’t happen while existing ones are in progress and if they do they are likely to fail. I became physically and emotionally healthy. I stopped taking all medications and felt really good emotionally with no depression (still am and still do). I reevaluated my priorities in life. I came to understand so many of my short comings from the past and I began to experience emotion rather than compartmentalize it as I had done all my life. I could could go on and on but long story short I was healthier than I had been in many many many years.

On the other side of this story is my wife (we are still married) who had gone through the living hell of her life. There are no words to describe how much pain she must have gone through. She lost 30 lbs or more and was on the brink of disaster. She eventually pulled herself together and more recently had been sharing with me how she had forgiven me and was doing really well. She said she felt healed. We had a wonderful conversation about how we should both be focused on healing ourselves and working together to be good parents to our children. I clung to that message, that conversation. It gave me hope and left me in a very good place. I was very close to making a case for her to consider a reconciliation process with me. To ask her to save our family. I knew then how much it all meant and was worth.

Then the bomb dropped.

Out of nowhere came a new relationship fast and furious. I learned from my children that they had gone for a weekend trip and had slept at his house when they were rained out. I was broadsided when I found out. Words cannot describe how hurt I was…maybe much the way she felt when I left her. I confronted her about the situation and she started admitting it in little bits and pieces until she finally said…so what, I’m having sex. So what! I deserve happiness.

I immediately shared all of my feelings with her. I cried (this is a new me) and begged. I went on for weeks (started about a month from today) but she basically said…you forced me to move on and I did. I grabbed DB during that time and I knew I was doing the wrong things but I couldn’t help myself. I had discovered that I lover her even more than I always thought. I realized how important our family is. I came to understand the likelihood that we’d both regret divorce 5 years from now. I shared all of this with her but nothing. In fact things continued to escalate. She began to see him more (he seemed to turn things up several notches when I declared my feelings). She began to spend the night at his house with our children, several nights in a row. I was so devastated. I was practically non functioning. I knew I had no rights because I had caused all of this. There were no answers. There was nowhere to turn or to run from the hurt this time. Running was no longer the answer.

Suddenly it occurred to me that I had to interconnected issues on my hand. My love for my wife and the hope of saving our marriage and the safety and wellbeing of my children. I worked to understand who this new guy was and found that he appeared to be the polar opposite of me. Some of those appearances gave me cause for concern. We had several conversations and she assured me I didn’t know this guy and that he was a really nice person, really respected her, and treated our children really well.

In my heart I knew that I lover her, that I had no right to anything given that I had walked out on her and that she had every right to be happy. Still this wasn’t the wife that I knew. She always put her children first. She asked me several weeks before not to introduce the OW to our children (she didn’t know I had ended the OW). So I started researching how to introduce children to new partners after divorce. I basically found that 1) don’t’t date when youre married (I kind of blew that one). 2) we need a good amount of time to heal after divorce (most said a year or more). 3) Never introduce your children to a new partner until you’re sure they’re going to be in your life for a long time. Kids get attached to these people and in this case he has kids as well. Low percentages of relationships that start this way succeed and kids can get hurt all over again.

Long story short, I would have bet that she and I would have discussed an introduction in advance and planned for it for the kids sake. I never would have guessed she would throw our kids in head first the way she had. This week I found out that she was leaving our children with him. I would have bet anything that either of us would not have left our kids with someone we didn’t know well and that we would have introduced the other person to them first. I recognize I have no legal control over what she does. That doesn’t mean I’m not concerned about the kids.

We discussed the sleeping over and the leaving kids with him. I presented the case to her and she agreed not to do it anymore but that she had plans already this weekend and she didn’t want to cancel them. I reluctantly agreed.

So, I’ve presented my case to her for the last several weeks about getting together. She says she still wants to date this person. She is angry at me for coming out of left field with my revelation. She feels that things always have to be on my terms ( I get where she’s coming from here). She says she doesn’t “see it” or doesn’t “have it in her” when I’ve asked her to try to reconcile. She says she doesn’t want to go back to the old and that so much of our marriage was bad for so long. I’ve reassured her that I agree and that I won’t go back either. I know she’s getting a lot of pressure from the other guy. He has turned up the get together with the kids, outings, etc. significantly since I told her that I loved her and wanted to save our family. He has pressured her to get dissolution quickly. She and I have talked about an amicable dissolution from the beginning but I never wanted it. She went to see an attorney last week (on his urging I assume) to get the paperwork started. She and I talked again and so far we’ve agreed that she will hold off if I back off. You can imagine she feels like I’ve been in her business and tracking her every move.

She and I have cried a lot together over the last couple of weeks. She is hurting a lot inside. She presented herself as a healed person but really she isn’t at all. She is hurting a lot inside. I’ve told her I love her, I’ve told her I will be her friend and stick by her, I’ve told her I will wait for her. I have started trying to support her more. She is overwhelmed with many things, with kids, with finances, etc. I have been trying to help out more on every front. I already give a much bigger chunk of my finances to her than would be required. She and I both work.

So I hope I’m doing the right things. I’ve tried to do the 180 with maybe a little success. I want so much to save our family and spend the rest of my life with her. I can’t tell you how hard it is to offer her love and support for a difficult weekend when I know she’s headed off to be in the arms and bed of another man. I want to wait, I want to give this time but it so hard. Despite my best efforts I think about very little else from the time I open my eyes to the time I fall asleep. I’ve looked into her eyes. She’s hurt badly but I believe that she still loves me. Believe there is a chance. Even though I know I have no right after what I’ve done, I just don’t know how much of the hurt I can take in waiting.

I hate that she is hurting and vulnerable and I think the other guy is taking advantage of her and yet its not place to do anything about it. I want so much to take care of her and make things better.

[Stronger]

Yowza.
Good stuff though from you...good you understand your roll in how you got here and your roll now.

I say fight man. Fight hard for this woman and for your family. You just have to be very very careful to not "fight dirty" or for her to see it that way....meaning, now that the door is opened and the kids have met this dude, you can't use them as pawns.

I think you've done a pretty good job but maybe further explain, I am the father of these children. They won't need to stay over night with him, ever.

How many kids does he have and what age?

Basically, the way I see it, while you two are married legally she's not feeling that way. So she wants to date him. Ok, make her want to date you too.

But I think you have to be very careful walking this line of getting her heart back and not pursuing too hard.

What are you thinking now as your next step?

Are you two intimate?

[RedSoxFan]

Thanks Stronger! I am fighting and I'm doing everything in my power to take the high road and fight clean. I would never, ever involve our kids in this in any way. I do my best to smile and be positive whenever the bring the other guy and his kids up in conversation. I have made sure not to even probe or ask questions. The good news is we have a very good open relationship so they share everything. In this case I sometimes wish they wouldn't share

He has two a daughter and son roughly the ages of our older two.

You're right about our being legally married and her not seeing it that way. She worked hard to move on and in her mind I've really upset the balance right now.

I do believe she cares. She told me she still loves me and will always love me. But there is a huge wall of hurt, mistrust and pain from many years of poor marriage standing in the way. She feels I abandoned and to her that is the ultimate unforgivable thing. So the challenge is really huge. On top of that I am so emotional these days' I've opened some new doors for myself personally, that I have a hard time controlling myself, doing the 180, etc.

Next steps? Well, she knows where I stand. I've told her that I will wait. She also knows that I'm looking for a house in the kid's school attendance zone. I need to keep moving forward with my life. I can't count on what she'll do but I do have to be the best father I can be for my children. I'm probably leaning a little too much toward pursuing too hard. It is just sooo hard not to.

She and I are not intimate. She's been crying a lot in our recent conversations. I'd settle for just holding her and making her feel better.

[Stronger]

Alright, lots of good stuff here we can work with.

Keep at her. Do not go dark. Stay in her life however you can. Ask her on a date. Start to challenge this other douche bag for your wife. Make it clear you understand your mistakes and are ready to pay for them and fight for your lady. The fine line is...you have to do this in a sexy white knight kind of way, not a pursuing desperate stalker way.

Can you handle that?

[davidswife]

Good post, Stronger.

[RedSoxFan]

Keep at her. Do not go dark. Stay in her life however you can. Ask her on a date. Start to challenge this other douche bag for your wife. Make it clear you understand your mistakes and are ready to pay for them and fight for your lady.

I am staying in her life and I have definitely made it clear that I understand my mistakes. I've asked her to have coffee and talk, I've asked to consider having an initial no strings attached conversation with a counselor. She's said no to everything.

She has agreed not having the kids sleep over at his house any more and to hold off on the disillusion. She could be doing this because she still sees a tiny bit of hope or she could be doing it for selfish, calculated reasons. I don't even like to think about it like that but I'm so sad and it causes me to doubt everything.

[RedSoxFan]

Once I sprung the news on her a few weeks back that I loved her and wanted to save our family, she became very upset. I think has been struggling to keep up at home and struggling financially. I already contribute significantly more to her household (she lives in our house I rent apartment)than I would be required to by law. I've been trying to be her friend. Help her in any way I can. Cover more financial stuff whenever possible, etc. I think I'm doing the right thing. I care about her and want to help. I want her to be less stressed so that life is better for our kids when they're all together. I know I caused all of this and I want to make it right. Others have suggested that I'm just making it easier for her to be at peace and spend time with the other man. I'm so afraid of losing her./ I'm so scared and hurt.

[Stronger]

Absolutely you are hurt and scared. We all are. But harness that fear and use it to motivate the white knight in your. Think Richard Gere in "An Officer and a Gentleman" or Daniel Day Lewis, "Last of the Mohicans". I guess Clint Eastwood in "The Bridges of Madison County" might not be the best but he's pretty hot too.

Anyways.

Set up family night. She'll do it when you put it to her as something the whole family will benefit from. And if you think you need to sell it with "I promise no relationship talks" then sell it. And when you are on family night, there really should be no relationship talks.
Maybe ask her to coffee again with the desire to talk about finances to see where you two can help each other the best way possible. You want to do this to make sure she and kids are taken care of, you don't want her to stress about money.
But you have to stay in her head. I've learned my head has a direct line to my heart.
And no more counselor talk for now either.
I would say "I will still take care of you. I know you may not want me to but if you don't let me, you are forcing me to break a promise I made a long time ago when we got married. So please, let me do this."

Super super sexy. Wish someone would say that to me!

[RedSoxFan]

Stronger you are so awesome. Thanks for taking the time to respond. Your advice seems spot on.

I'm concerned that she will push back if I suggest family night. She has mentioned that she doesn't want to give the kids false hope. I appreciate that she's trying to look out for them. Though it's ironic that she has has no problem immersing them fully into the life of a person she's only just started seeing.

[Stronger]

Explain to her that it's not false hope...it would be setting a standard that you want the kids to be able to expect...that no matter what, Mommy and Daddy are still a force to be dealt with as one parental unit, but more importantly Mommy and Daddy are still the two people on earth that will f**k up anything or anyone who tries to hurt them.

No matter what happens if they know you two are still a team for them, they will be better adjusted.