Some pls help!! My sitch...

[Prvbs31]

Hello everyone. I have recently been introduced to this site & decided to join in bcuz I love how encouraging & supportive everyone is. No one is here to judge, but to help & be helped.

Well, I'm hoping that you all can help me out with my situation. Here is my story:

Shortly after my husband and I were married, I became pregnant. I found out he had a porn addiction & he became physically abusive. He kept saying he would change and get help. He went to church with me and blah, blah, blah...u know the story. Well needless to say, I became insecure, depressed, and didn't trust him. Problems continued until one time he was arrested for a month. During that month, my heart began to harden toward him. When he was released, he really started to seek help thru church and never hit me again or even looked at porn. His demeanor had changed, and he didn't even have that roving eye going on anymore. He became very humble & loving but by that point, it was too late. I took my daughter and fled the state. I moved in with my Mom and started clubbing, drinking, and eventually affairs. At that point I didn't care because I was planning on divorcing my H. He took a "stand" for our marriage and tried for months to win me back. He eventually moved to the state I was in and tried to work it out with me. I got back with him but I refused to live with him. I told him it was because I didn't trust him but in reality, it was because I wanted to keep doing my thing with other men. I didn't know what I wanted anymore. One thing was for sure tho, and that was that I was going to keep my wall up with my H cuz I never wanted him to hurt me like he had in the past. I felt I had all the control in the relationship. I treated him like crap up until June 2007 when he told me it was over. He said he found somebody else & he was divorcing me. Well that sure did turn me around. All of a sudden it became clear to me that I wanted him. I did the begging, crying, pleading, groveling thing, of course to no avail. Over the following few months, he came to me a few times crying or saying he was confused. Then he broke up with the girl and got back with me when I seemed to have left him alone. We only lasted about a month because I found out he was talking to other girls. When I confronted him, he fought with me and broke up with me again. That was in November of '07. Since then, my H has been going from girl to girl. He never gets into serious relationships. He lives a reckless life(drinking, partying, getting into debt, etc) and he comes in and out of our daughter's life whenever he feels like it. I have made it clear to him that I want this marriage but he keeps saying he wants a divorce. He has never attempted to even file but if I ever mention "us", he will mention divorce. If I don't mention "us", he will be all friendly with me and occasionalyy hang out with me. We can have the greatest friendship and everything. Last November, we got intimate on our anniversary, and it happened again on New Years. He was so drunk on New Years that he cried all over me saying that no girl he ever meets compares to me. He even started making fun of all the girls he met. Now he acts like all that stuff never happened. In March, I got a random text from him in the middle of the night saying he loves me and our daughter with his dying breath. Also, a couple of months ago, he came to my house in the middle of the night when him and one of the OW broke up.

I don't get him. I usually leave him alone and he will come and go whenever. A lot of times he will come around when he needs something. Now recently I have put a stop to this. I feel he just wants to keep me in limbo while he does his thing. Over this past weekend, we got into a huge fight because he hurt me & our daughter(not physically) with some things that he did and I told him to stay away from us. He even went as far as to say to take his name off of my daughter's birth certificate.I feel he always tries to manipulate me & have the power & control in the relationship. He has tried to apologize a few times but his apologies are always insincere. He never actually changes. I get no support from him cuz he blows all his money on girls and his pleasures and we have a child custody & child support court hearing coming up. I wrote him an email today telling him I am done and to leave us alone. What does he do? He text messaged me that he's going to find out who the guy is that I'm seeing and basically hurt him. I am not seeing anyone, he just assumed that.

Anyway, I'm sorry this post is so long. I could go on for days about what has happened but I guess that'll be it for now. Can someone please tell me what they see/think in all of this? What do from here?

[harpo]

Prvbs31 ...Sorry for your pain.

One question.is this really the life you want for you and your daughter.I think the damage both of you have caused to each other is a lot to come back from.not that It can't be done anything is possible.I just think the foundation is to weak to build upon.I do wish you luck.most importantly protect your child she is the innocent one and it will have a long term effect on her.

God Bless

[Prvbs31]

Thanx 4 ur response. Yes, we have done a lot of damage to each other but like u said, anything is possible(with God). My husband once served the Lord faithfully and I think the fact that he is not anymore is what is destroying him. It's obvious to all who know him that he is not the same person and he is really living a reckless life. He has been thru a painful childhood and I think his problem is that he doesn't know how to forgive. He likes to hold grudges, not knowing that forgiveness is for him, not the person who hurt him.

Anyway, this is definately not what I want for myself or my daughter. I am making sure to keep her out of harm's way. But I can't help but to hold out a hope that he will return to the Lord one day and get the help he once got. When things get this bad, I feel like I wanna forget him forever, but then when things calm down, he acts like my best friend & it's gets my emotions started again...idk what else to do...

[breakaway]

Hi...have you ever sought any counseling? It sounds like you have been through the wringer emotionally and all over the place with this relationship, that doesn't sound as if it was ever healthy for one day.

Setting the outcome of that aside...I would work on getting really psychologically healthy, for your sake, and that of your child. Then you can determine what you want to do about this "relationship."

I'm sorry, but my opinion is that this man is nothing but a manipulator who drunk texts you or shows up when his latest woman gets sick of him. He should not be back into your life until he is serious about doing something with his. For your daughter's sake at the very least. Otherwise you will stay on the merry-go-round...or end up with someone else like him.

Since drinking is an issue, maybe you could consider going to Al Anon meetings. They are full of supportive people, and you begin to grow into an emotionally healthy person thru that program.

[Prvbs31]

Thx Breakaway. Yes I have done some counseling and I am actually planning to go to the S-Anon meetings since he is obviously a sex addict as well. I agree with what u have said. That is why I sent him an email explaining that I wanted him to stay far away from us. I have filed for child custody and support but I am leaving the divorce filing up to him. I am ignoring all his calls, texts, etc...now he will have to make a serious choice which is to either get that divorce or to get help. I hope he starts taking care of himself and I know that until he does, he isn't any good 4 anyone else.

I basically wrote on this site to see if everyone else would agree with the decision I made to cut him off...(sigh) I just wish it didn't have to be this way...

[breakaway]

Yes, you totally made the right decision! No contact is the only way you can heal on your own. And maybe it will bring him to his senses, but if it doesn't you can go on and become a strong person.

[nw626]

Prvbs31
I think you are doing the right thing.
He has to take care of his problems before anything else.
You just need to take care of yourself and your daughter.
No one wants to be this way, but sometimes people will only take a good look at themselves when they are in turmoil.
You just never know. May be he will get his act together and be a father that he should be.
Again, this is his issues to deal with, not yours.
Take care...
NW626

[Prvbs31]

Thank u so much!! Everyone pls keep the court hearing in prayer. I want them to give me full custody and give him only supervised visits cuz with the way he is, I fear that he will put my daughter in harm's way one day or that she might see him attack on of the OW in his life.