Hello everyone. I have recently been introduced to this site & decided to join in bcuz I love how encouraging & supportive everyone is. No one is here to judge, but to help & be helped.
Well, I'm hoping that you all can help me out with my situation. Here is my story:
Shortly after my husband and I were married, I became pregnant. I found out he had a porn addiction & he became physically abusive. He kept saying he would change and get help. He went to church with me and blah, blah, blah...u know the story. Well needless to say, I became insecure, depressed, and didn't trust him. Problems continued until one time he was arrested for a month. During that month, my heart began to harden toward him. When he was released, he really started to seek help thru church and never hit me again or even looked at porn. His demeanor had changed, and he didn't even have that roving eye going on anymore. He became very humble & loving but by that point, it was too late. I took my daughter and fled the state. I moved in with my Mom and started clubbing, drinking, and eventually affairs. At that point I didn't care because I was planning on divorcing my H. He took a "stand" for our marriage and tried for months to win me back. He eventually moved to the state I was in and tried to work it out with me. I got back with him but I refused to live with him. I told him it was because I didn't trust him but in reality, it was because I wanted to keep doing my thing with other men. I didn't know what I wanted anymore. One thing was for sure tho, and that was that I was going to keep my wall up with my H cuz I never wanted him to hurt me like he had in the past. I felt I had all the control in the relationship. I treated him like crap up until June 2007 when he told me it was over. He said he found somebody else & he was divorcing me. Well that sure did turn me around. All of a sudden it became clear to me that I wanted him. I did the begging, crying, pleading, groveling thing, of course to no avail. Over the following few months, he came to me a few times crying or saying he was confused. Then he broke up with the girl and got back with me when I seemed to have left him alone. We only lasted about a month because I found out he was talking to other girls. When I confronted him, he fought with me and broke up with me again. That was in November of '07. Since then, my H has been going from girl to girl. He never gets into serious relationships. He lives a reckless life(drinking, partying, getting into debt, etc) and he comes in and out of our daughter's life whenever he feels like it. I have made it clear to him that I want this marriage but he keeps saying he wants a divorce. He has never attempted to even file but if I ever mention "us", he will mention divorce. If I don't mention "us", he will be all friendly with me and occasionalyy hang out with me. We can have the greatest friendship and everything. Last November, we got intimate on our anniversary, and it happened again on New Years. He was so drunk on New Years that he cried all over me saying that no girl he ever meets compares to me. He even started making fun of all the girls he met. Now he acts like all that stuff never happened. In March, I got a random text from him in the middle of the night saying he loves me and our daughter with his dying breath. Also, a couple of months ago, he came to my house in the middle of the night when him and one of the OW broke up.
I don't get him. I usually leave him alone and he will come and go whenever. A lot of times he will come around when he needs something. Now recently I have put a stop to this. I feel he just wants to keep me in limbo while he does his thing. Over this past weekend, we got into a huge fight because he hurt me & our daughter(not physically) with some things that he did and I told him to stay away from us. He even went as far as to say to take his name off of my daughter's birth certificate.I feel he always tries to manipulate me & have the power & control in the relationship. He has tried to apologize a few times but his apologies are always insincere. He never actually changes. I get no support from him cuz he blows all his money on girls and his pleasures and we have a child custody & child support court hearing coming up. I wrote him an email today telling him I am done and to leave us alone. What does he do? He text messaged me that he's going to find out who the guy is that I'm seeing and basically hurt him. I am not seeing anyone, he just assumed that.
Anyway, I'm sorry this post is so long. I could go on for days about what has happened but I guess that'll be it for now. Can someone please tell me what they see/think in all of this? What do from here?
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."-Romans 8:28
The whole dynamic here is so messed up that it's hard to come up with good suggestions. So, I'll only give you one: Start at square one..with you. Focus on making your own life one that you like. Take him out of the equation. Don't worry about what he's doing or how he's choosing to live his life. You make yours as complete for you and your daughter as you can. When you are satisfied with your life, and have your act completely together, then you can look at him and see if he brings even one single thing to the table.
Don't let his behaviors derail you or make you take a step back. He won't like it if you aren't in to him, but don't then fawn all over him like you are desperate for him. He doesn't sound like a real prize anyway, so you should be able to demand better. Don't settle for less than him getting his act together. Keep moving forward. If he isn't willing to become a man you can trust and be with, then don't settle for him.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Phoenix...AMEN!!lol...what u have said is the conclusion I have been coming to. I am thankful 4 this site bcuz everyone is so supportive. Like I said at the end of my story, I have recently told him to stay away from me & our daughter cuz he only causes us harm. Now all of a sudden he wants to fight in court 4 her. I know that he's only doing it cuz he's mad about losing control over me, so that's his way of trying to get me back under it. A crazy thing happened today while I was at the supermarket. I saw a girl shopping with her baby boy when the kids father came out of nowhere and tried to steal the baby and she was panicking and telling him "how could u so this?". While she was doing this, he was walking away with the baby, but the moment she said "fine take the baby and here is his formula and diapers" then he got mad and wanted 2 give the baby back. All he wanted was to control her and since his tactics weren't working, he punched her and threw her to the floor. I helped her and then the cops came. It's unfortunate that that had happened to her but at the same time, I feel like God had me see that because it brought back a rush of memories and emotions of when my H used to do the same exact thing to me.It reminded me why I need to stay away. He stopped getting physical years ago, but he still uses psychological abuse and that is what he's trying to do using our daughter, now that I said to stay away from us. It seems he's only satisfied when I am groveling after him and I realize that fully now. I am moving forward in my life and am finally strong enough to shut the door to him completely. He has been calling, texting, and emailing me now but I have been ignoring it all. Unless he gets help, there is no room for him in our lives...and help takes time.
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."-Romans 8:28
He has been calling, texting, and emailing me now but I have been ignoring it all. Unless he gets help, there is no room for him in our lives...and help takes time.
See...he wants what he can't have. The only incentive he has to make the changes (if he ever truly does) is to win you back and be the man you deserve. I doubt it is in him, but you have every right to expect better. Agree, seeking your daughter is simply a ploy. Obviously he won't get custody since he hasn't been in her life much and hasn't even lived up to his financial responsibilities.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Yeah, well he has changed before and that change lasted a long time. He went back to his old ways after I started treating him like garbage and had those affairs. I bet he feels like he let me in his heart in the past only for me to crush it and now he thinks he can't ever let me in again. That's why he must be seeking all this control & power. I believe he can and will get help one day...it just may not be in time for us.
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."-Romans 8:28
