H with 1foot out the door...LONG

[ginab1966]

I everyone. I’ve been lurking for a week now but I am now finally reaching out for help. I don’t have either of these books because I’m so completely broke but I’m trying to get as much information from the board as I can.

I have been married for 5 years to a man that is 9 years younger than I am. We were once very happy. I got married and pregnant all in the same year. His lack of attention to me and our marriage got worse as time went on. He would basically come home, eat with our daughter and I, then retreat downstairs to play World of Warcraft for the next 5 hours or play PS2 or go out to his shed. A year ago he was diagnosed with ADHD and has been on Aderall XR to treat it for about a year. It has helped him focus at work but homelife really didn’t change at all. During the last 5 years I have not been communicative about my needs to the degree that I should. I would stew and be very passive aggressive and then every few months I would throw a fit saying “I just can’t live like this anymore”. He would change for about a week and then right back to the way it was. This Valentines day I didn’t even receive a card or a happy V-day wish. I lost it…it was the straw that broke the camels back. I reached out to an ex on Facebook. Not to have an affair but with the express purpose of getting the emotional stuff I needed that I wasn’t’ getting from H. (I know how bad this is and I would do anything to go back and undo what I’ve done) On March 09 I told my husband that I was done. I couldn’t live like this and we were through. He somehow knew that this time I meant it and did everything he could to try and win me back. I didn’t buy into any of it because I knew that if I fell for the bait it would just be the same old same old. He found out about the ex, put spyware on my computer, smashed my computer, broke our phones…it was horrible. He spiraled down into such a depression that he ended up in a psych ward. Now, I will admit that my behavior was far, far from perfect. I lied to him repeatedly about the OM..that I wasn’t going to speak to him anymore, etc…but I did and got caught each time. This devastated my husband. We sought counseling but it didn’t work and on May 22nd, I moved out of the house with my daughter 3 miles away to my parents house and told him I wanted a divorce. I never called a mediator or a divorce lawyer….but I did say the words. On June 12th we went to a b-day party as a family and something happened while we were there…to me. I looked at him and he was kissing our daughter and I just thought to myself “Gina, you love this man with all your heart and soul. You are just in pain and running from the pain”. Things got better for awhile and then the unthinkable happened. On Fathers day, move back into the house and was going to tell him that I really wanted to try and that I never really wanted a divorce and I was just blinded by pain. I simply couldn’t stand to share our daughter (she went to H 3 nights a week). I couldn’t be without her. I bought him a great Fathers Day/B-day gift and gave it to him and said, are you going out, you are all dressed up. He said, yes, I’m having dinner with Heather and I’m taking Victoria. Umm….Who’s Heather? H says “She’s a friend that I’m getting very attached to and we go out to dinner and it seems to be working out”. I say “Wait, I love you, you can’t go with her, I want to work this out..I just moved back in” I say this crying hysterically begging him not to go. He goes to my car to move it and my phone is there and he looks a the messages and he sees there is one from my EX and goes INSANE. He doesn’t want to hear that I’ve cut all ties…doesn’t believe me. Why should he…all I do is lie about it. That night he comes home and moves out of the bedroom and another week later I get a call from him that he’s called a mediator and wants a divorce. I did go to the first mediator appointment and cried all the way through it. I DO NOT WANT THIS DIVORCE. MY FAMILY IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME. I LOVE THIS MAN AND MY DAUGHTER. He now says that he doesn’t love me and never did and there is just simply no way he can imagine loving me again. He just married me so that he could have someone to take care of him, etc. BTW…he admits that the only thing he did in or marriage was the “heavy lifting” and taking care of our daughter if I couldn’t. I did EVERYTHING else. We went away as a family this weekend and he said he had a great time but still feels absolutely no connection with me whatsoever. Says he loves me because I’m the mother of his child and that’s it. I have been doing everything wrong to keep him in the marriage. Name the wrong thing and I’ve done it. BUT…we are still married, he’s going to marriage counseling with me each week (because he says I’ve guilted him into it) and hes still in the house. That means that there’s still some small shred of hope..right? I’m ready to do whatever anyone tells me to do, no matter how hard, no matter how long….I’m completely 100% committed to this marriage.

Please help me. Tell me what to do. I have another counseling session tomorrow and I don’t know how much more of the “I don’t love her. I just want a divorce. I never loved her.I will not ever trust her. She just needs to let go. We have nothing in common. We got married for all the wrong reasons” I can hear and still have my dignity. I cannot believe that he would choose a life as a part time Dad than to stay and fight. I know I’ve hurt him horribly and I want him to forgive me. I also need to forgive him for the years of no attention and neglect.

Please help me. He is literally one step out the door. He says once he saves enough money he’s leaving. He wants to stop paying the bills in the house and save money and at first, because I just wanted him to be happy, I said yes to that. BUT THAT WAS INSANE. I’m not going to go into foreclosure because my husband wants to save for his own place. I’m not going to aid him to leave us. If he wants to leave and have this new independent life, so be it…but hes going to have to start by being financially responsible to his family and saving on the side. I want to bring this up at therapy but I know he is going to FLIP out. He will not expect this at all and just withdraw even further. But I also need to get a backbone and not let him walk all over me.

I’m desperate…please help me.

Thank you all….

Gina B

[mermaid]

There is a lot going on here. You cannot expect your h to just expect you back with open arms. He too has been hurt and he needs time to work through all of his pain. You also need to work on your issues. Some IC would be a good idea for both of you. Also did you read DR? Give your h some space now. You can still do things as a family but do not act needy or desperate. Absolutely no R talks.

[ginab1966]

Mermaid:

I completely 100% agree with you. I've hurt him horribly. I don't expect the open arms thing...but this complete "I'm done." thing is just sooo hard. So, no relationship talk. I have a work dinner I was invited to and I asked him to go on Sat. He said he would. Should I have not asked him? I don't wan to seem completely cut off. I'm going on Amazon to look at used copies of DR. It might be affordable. We are drowning in debt right now and I want to get the books but with medical bills and therapy bills it's just really difficult. I wanted to thank you for taking the time to respond in such a caring and compassionate way. I will do my best to give him the space he needs..it's just so counterintuitive. I really, really love this man and my family. I know my actions haven't shown it but it's true.

Take good care and thanks again...Gina

[Ready2Change]

Hi Gina,

The first thing you have to do is start working on YOU. Reading and taking action are key. Take a good look at who you are and who you want to be.

I have learned to be very patience. I am very forgiving. I pass out what I want to receive. I am extremely kind. I have clearly defined boundaries........

Pick qualities from other people that you like and make them your own. Find out what makes a woman attractive and make changes.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back.... During this difficult time in your life, this is very important right now. Stop the chase. Let him chase you.....

DR is the first book you should buy when you get some money. Check the library. 180's are key. GAL is key.

What you focus on will manifest itself in your life. Focus on everything positive.

STOP the blame game. Listen more than you speak. Do not let the past control your current actions. Do not fear the future.

Do your best every day. Learn from every interaction with H.

HUGS

[Ready2Change]

I have a list of books on the first post of my thread that are worth reading. Amazon lets you "preview" books. Read all the previews......

The counter intuitive thing is very important also. When you have an urge to chase him, it is best to let him chase you. I found that thinking about the "time away" as a vacation from the relationship worked. Is it better to be away and let him miss you, or be in his presence and have him resent you?

[Ready2Change]

...I have a work dinner I was invited to and I asked him to go on Sat. He said he would. Should I have not asked him? I don't want to seem completely cut off...

You need to always do your best. You did your best with what you know. He said yes! That is positive. (Do not second guess yourself.)

Think of this as a "FIRST DATE". Be attractive and fun. You need to project that you will be fine with or without him, but would prefer to be with him (From this point forward).

Proper grooming is key. I know money is an issue for you, but divorce can be very expensive. New hair style, change in makeup, new clothing, nice perfume. Be creative. Friends should be able to help.

[Ready2Change]

So those are my "LETS FIX THIS" thoughts. Us men tend to try and fix things when they break.

I am sorry you are here with the rest of us, but you have found a great place for support. Keep posting in this thread so we can follow your sitch and offer support. If you need more support, find others and support them by posting, they will reciprocate.

[25yearsmlc]

Have not read your whole post as I lack the time this minute. But get to a library and read the Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy book ( I recommend the 2nd one more IF you know you don't want a divorce) and get the book(S).

There's no way around that as you'll be lost a lot longer HERE on this site and IN your situation without reading them. Plus it smacks of trying to make excuses for not doing YOUR Work on the M, and trying to make this all about how he has to change and not you. The FIRST Thing to know and I mean KNOW, is that you cannot change your h..period YOU CANNOT CONTROL HIM and time wasted trying is time badly used, probably destructive..
Don't pursue, don't bring up the M or relationsihp and stop taking the temperature of it. Get A LIfe (GAL) asap.

But yes there IS hope and I did not think there was in my M, just a few years ago. And You will become a better woman for this, IF you do the work you can do ON YOU. No matter what happens.

There are 3 entities in a M, in my opinion. God is one of them, and you and your h are the others. By definition, if one ingredient in the Marriage changes, then the relationship changes, so YES you can make a difference all by yourself.

BUt do the work, now and stop making excuses for only coming here to vent and get "easy answers" b/c there are NO easy answers and yes I will read your thread tonight if I can. But try to stay on the thread so people know where to find you with any new developments in the sitch.

For the record I have 2 relatives who divorced and remarried their spouses years later. (They had kids.) I don't suggest it, but I can say it does happen.

And i did not have a lot of hope for my m and now I do. So that happens.

So, keep posting. You are in the right place and you can begin reading the book online for free if I understand correctly. But get that done. You'll get a lot more from this site if you do.

j-

[ginab1966]

Thanks so much for the book list. I love the preview feature of Amazon and I'm going on tonight to see if I can find a used copy of DB and DR. I know they are going to be a really big key to all of this. I really am trying to GAL. I just finished my Bachellors and I go to 2 12-step meetings a week. I have friends, a great job. I go Karaoke. I'm really doing my best to keep myself busy. I've recently (in the past 2 years) lost 123 lbs and I have 57 more to go so I'm starting a running program. I have a 3 year old so other than what I have above, I'm really sort of tied to the house cuz I don't have a lot of baby-sitting support.

As far as the chasing thing went, I think that I'm assuming that he would never, ever chase me at this stage. I mean, if I didnt' suggest we did something I don't think it would ever happen. But, I know this is what they say works so I'm going to try my hardest. Thanks so much for all your terrific advice. Gina B

[ginab1966]

Well, I did what I was told to do and, since I don't have enough money to buy the book, I went to the library and put it on order. It will be in next Tuesday. So, until then, I will do what I can to come here, put some 180's and GAL's in place, focus on me instead of R and H...and the looming D and pray a lot.

I'm so thankful that I found this community. I made a huge lapse in judgement last night and fell for my husbands trap hook line and sinker. I am not blaming him. He dropped the bait, I took it. My fault. He was incredibly connected with me when I got home. A complete 180 from the way he's been acting. Dinner in oven when I got home, actually ate with daughter and I, put her to bed with me, asked me to watch a movie, and then when we were going to bed, asked me to come in to his bedroom and watch our favorite episode of Star Wars. Within minutes he was holding my hand, rubbing my back, lovingly kissing my cheek....yup..you guessed it...we ended up making love. He was so connected and so emotional and then..in the middle says "I think we need to stop. I don't want to confuse you. I know this doesn't mean to me what it does to you. I just don't want you to get the wrong idea". I knew then that I had falling for the trap and felt so stupid and manipulated and weak. How can he respect me if I don't respect myself. How can he be that intimate and that "emotional" with me and then tell me he doesnt' love me..well, not enough to stay married to me". I was just so happy for the connection that I let my emotions rule and forgot how to DB...ugh...I probably set myself back miles. Well, we have therapy tonight. I have no clue what will happen there. I'm trying to remain positive. I'm sure I'll hear more of the old "She just needs to accept that I don't love her and move on. I never loved her but just wanted a mother figure script. I will try to be strong and not become emotional or arguementative. I would like to bring the sex thing up within counseling though and of course the money thing and him not giving me any so he can save for an apartment while living at home. Both things need to be addressed. But I know he is going to be sooo mad but I have to stand up for myself and not be a doormat anymore.

Wish me luck!!! Gina B