I think right now the only time he's NOT thinking about you is when you are where he is. He wants to be a cake eater - have his fun and keep you on a short leash. Very, very controlling.
WOW...its been along time since I posted. I need advice.
I haven't posted much because my situation had gone downhill pretty rapidly. I had resigned myself to the fact we were getting a divorce. H filed for divorce on 8/11, he had promised to give me advanced warning but didn't. He showed up at visitation with S and when I made a comment about the fact he hadn't filed yet, dropped the bomb that he had...that day in fact. So, I patiently waited to be served. He got his copies in the mail on 8/20, and I continued to wait...and wait...and wait... Finally called my L and found out that he has to serve me. That was the end of August. Since I was sick of waiting for the other shoe to drop, I texted H and told him he had to serve me. Since it was a visitation day I told him to just bring the papers and I would have my BIL serve me. He then said we will see.
Then he starts telling me he is starting to miss me and have doubts. That he isn't ready to serve me yet. Things from there started to get better. He told me he is seriously considering coming home. He started to care about what how I was feeling, started texting and calling, and even spent the holiday with us. BUT...then I screwed up. The following weekend S and I were very sick and I asked H if he could take S overnight (I had previously helped him on one of his weekends and he had promised to repay the favor). I was told in no uncertain terms that he had plans and couldn't do it. That I needed to man-up and I wanted this custody arrangement and couldn't just get help every time I need it. I started crying and hung up (I'm 9 months pregnant..very emotional.) H then turned off his phone and wouldn't answer.
The next morning he calls...spews more of the same its your weekend, tells me he doesn't have any support and doesn't live close enough to a hospital if something goes wrong, and that S needs his mother, blah blah blah. The rest of the weekend through Monday does not go well. On Tuesday I ask if he is going to serve me, he says no. He then starts asking if I am seeing someone, etc. I ask if he still thinking about coming home, and he replies he doesn't know how to answer that. Finally he says "kinda", but that I keep ruining it.
The next we take S out of town together to see his parents. Things go reasonably well, and even they comment on how much better things are. We got in one HUGE fight that was my fault, but he apologized and we talked it through. The night we had the fight he slept in the bed with me, and I slipped and said ILY. He was silent for a few minutes then said it back.
That brings us to this week. I've had almost NO contact from him at all, but he still hasn't served me. He has made no mention about coming home. He has mentioned a deadline of Oct. 1st to decide. I think that is because he has 12 weeks to serve me or the case is dropped. He also doesn't want this divorce to drag out past the 6 month waiting period in our state, so if he waits to even serve me we are in danger of going past 6 months.
What do you guys think? What do I do? Part of me just wants to be served and get it over with already! The unknown is the worst part.
Well I screwed up again last night. I texted H and asked him to call me when he got a chance. I had gotten a phone call from my lawyer and wanted to share info with him. Background: He is not getting a lawyer, we are not doing mediation as of yet, but both of us have promised to be open.
He then proceeds to yell at me about ruining his weekend and that I never learn. He said we have a designated time each to talk about these things and I should have waited. Honestly, I only did it because I thought if I waited he would have been mad since it pertained to the lawyer. He is very sensitive about that.
Later that night S called him to say goodnight. Afterwards S handed me the phone. I started to tell H about S's day and he hung up on me!
I just don't know what to do any more. I refuse to be treated like this. I don't deserve to be hung up on and ignored all the time.
Tera, It sounds like your H is a lot more conflicted than mine. He has never once since he left said he missed me or had doubts. For that reason your sitch looks more hopeful than mine. I have to agree with the other folks who posted here, H is using manipulative "blame the victim" psychology on you ("I was ready to come back but you did X"). Also, his behavior, hanging up on you etc. is just plain rude. There's no excuse. It seems like no matter what you do, you're wrong in his eyes. Try to stay calm & centered, it's very hard but sounds like you have to be the adult (& the parent!) here.
And, you may want to read Calliope's post, your situation sounds somewhat like hers - good advice on there too. I am thinking giving how volatile your H is right now, it might be good to detach as much as possible. Go dark & don't contact unless necessary for child issues.
Do you want to try to save the M? I know it's a tortuous ride, but if H doesnt serve you in time, isn't that his loss? Think about what you want the goal to be. Can't remember if you said you read DR, but if not, you may want to get it out of the library. Set your goals for the M, it will help you think about how to proceed.
You are doing really well under very tough circumstances. I hope all goes well with your final month! :-) For sure you don't need this additional stress! Thanks for stopping in on my thread & I'll check back in you. LFA
