Our divorce was final on July 22. married 13 yrs. together 18. Iam 42 wife is 38 and seeing someone. I still desparately love and gone about this process all wrong. She said all the typical stuff. I did not pay enough attention, she did not feel loved and all the script stuff.I thought we had a good marriage. the family did everything together. Her moving out on Dec. 30 with the kids was a complete shock. I suspected this fella from day 1 but she was good and I just found out yesterday. I have pursued begged cried text. you name it I have done it all wrong and cant seem to get pointed straight. I would love to have my family back together. any suggestions?
Have you read Divorce Remedy? If not, run to the bookstore or library. Get it; read it. Read it again.
We all would love to have our family back, but to accomplish that, you have to do the exact opposite of what your emotions say to do.
Now that the divorce is final, you no longer have to worry about fighting the oncoming train. Take that mental energy and invest it in yourself.
Really look in the mirror and ask yourself "Would *I* want to come back to this?" If you are sad, depressed, mopey, etc, no one would want to sign up for that. Having "Desperation Breath" scares off everyone.
Now is the time to focus on YOU. What do you like to do? What are some things that make you happy? Who were you before you got married? What parts of yourself did you compromise so that you could be married?
She has a path that she is on. Your path is different right now. The paths might merge later, but for now, take this time to grow. Not being married means that you should have more time on your hands. (I know I do.) Exercise. hike. paint. take singing lessons. learn to play guitar. invite friends over. go to church. re arrange furniture. Journal to figure out who you are.
GAL GAL GAL and have PMA PMA PMA!
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
I have the thread up above this one and just asked the same sorts of questions last week. I read the tips about "going dark" and they have been amazingly helpful to me. I had read another of Michele's books that made wonderful sense to me and I just picked up Divorce Remedy this last weekend.
I have to repeat what Trixi said... use this time to do things for yourself. I had been exercising but kicked it up a notch and started running. Being in the best shape of my life is great for my Positive Mental Attitude (PMA)! I also started going to church more regularly - every time has been aimed right at my heart - God is very definitely working on me right now. I also thought back to all those things that my H would never do with me and have gone ahead and done them by myself. That is the GAL (Get A Life) part. Reconnecting with positive friends and avoiding the bitter ones. Choosing carefully who to take advice from.
It REALLY hurts to go through this, but I feel that I am a better person now no matter what. I did not want to go back to what I had, even though I wanted to have my family back. But I pushed and pursued and begged and cried. And it got me nowhere. When I finally came to grips with the situation and backed off, he felt the pressure release and almost immediately came to see what was going on. Read the "going dark" sections here. Really use this time to make yourself the best you you can be... for YOU! If it brings her back, so be it.
I am trying to GAL but at the present she has left me broke. and I have the kids nearly every day i have off.I never imagined anything could hurt this bad. and finding out about an affair really topped it off. have been trying different churches just have not found the right one yet. And I have not left her alone like I know I need to. matter of fact her lawyer contacted mine and said I need to leave her alone.
Well that's what you need to do then. You can't control how she's going to feel about you.
My suggestion would be to leave her alone and literally drop off the map. Don't talk to her, keep conversation with her short and end them first, and act as if you have better things to think about than her.
Can you flesh out your story? How long ago did she want D? If you lay out a more extensive marital history, we can help you with a strategy.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
She told me on Dec 30,2008 that she wanted out. I thought we had a good marriage, we have two boys 11 and 8 they both raced go-karts. She started having a lot of meetings about the track at our house. I did notice the track manager was around more than anyone else. We had a big race Dec 28. He went and helped her dad with my boys as i had to work. On the way home is when she told me she wanted a divorce. We also had a boat and motorhome. we were together as a family always. When she told me about wanting this she told me it was all my fault. did not feel loved, not enough attention. And i took a lot of the responsibility. Now I find out this week that she has an affair that was going on before christmas. They have kept it quiet, but i made sure everyone knows now, found all this info from his wife who is in the same house. I made her tell the kids that she was dating him.
You've got to read DB and DR as quickly as possible. It's obvious she left you to pursue this other guy with a "clear conscience". I went through the same thing with my W wanting a D without warning, and blaming me for everything until I found out that she wanted to do her boss.
I followed DB and the advice of people here and have been able to change things around somewhat.
First thing to realize is that you can't control her actions and her feelings. Get your balls back from her. Be the dad you need to be. Detach and GAL. Go dark and don't contact her at all. Show her that you've got everything under control. That you don't need her.
It's going to be hard as hell, but you can do it. Just take it one day at a time.
Did she take everything from you in the D?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I know i have got to get my set back, and stop contact. and yes the other man is still married, and in the same house with his wife. His wife has no job and cant afford a lawyer.
No,she got basically nothing in the divorce. We have a house in the country that we built together, She basically packed her bags and left. She did get the boat, but no house, no child support, and no alimony. But i am really struggling to make the note on my own.
