My w filed for d almost two months ago, filed for temp. support about a month or so ago. I posted elsewhere about our situation, but it does not involve infidelity, drugs, alcohol, and abuse. Most of it (the d filing) is from normal post-partum adjustment (w filed when baby was 5 months) but magnified by hormonal issues, well-meaning parents and a counselor who advised a no-options (no counseling, no work) rapid divorce if w thought change was not possible. Which is what she did.
Long story short, I'd like to send w a very short letter saying that I understand her need for divorce to seek happiness. That I believe our marriage is savable, but understand that would take her agreement. In the absence of that, I'd like to divorce as friends. That's the main point.
I have not told her that I want to work on the marriage, except for the very early days of the d announcement.
Somehow, I'd like to add that many couples have saved their marriages when one person felt that change was not possible, that it was too late, that it's over, that they had moved on (the kind of phrases that pepper this forum).
What I'm trying to say is that what looks hopeless might not be hopeless. Yes, this is "information" that I'm trying to put out there that w might not even have thought about. I don't feel right about including this...but I didn't even know about this forum and that those feelings were so common...and still some have saved their marriages.
Is this simply futile on my part to add the second part? Is it even futile and negative to send a letter at all?
Things seem hopeless now that we both have attorneys (I might have to pay for hers though)...but I still don't want to give up on this marriage. I've tried to improve myself daily, but since I see my w maybe 1 minute all week (in baby exchanges), there's little I can do to show the changes or to show what's possible...so I thought maybe a letter.
I've also read extensively in DB lit that one should either move on or appear to have moved on. I haven't yet moved on, but have not communicated with my w that I want to save the marriage, which seems like indicating that I haven't moved on. Hmm. Contradiction there?
Thoughts on letter? Moving on vs. communicating clearly that I want to save the marriage?
You communicated previously to her at one point that you wanted to save the marriage.
She knows.
Writing her a letter re-stating that isn't going to generate any attraction between you & her.
Is there something else at play here?
How was the marriage leading up to the pregnancy?
It seems very unusual that a woman with a 5 month old baby wants to divorce her husband for no reason whatsoever.
Even post partum depression wouldn't explain this. Her concern would be the pregnancy and her child, why would her depression lead her to divorce you right after having your child?
Is she hiding something from you?
Was she ever unfaithful before the pregnancy & childbirth?
What has caused her to lose attraction for you?
The answer "I don't know????" isn't going to cut it.
Writing a letter will do no good either.
What's the impetus for her divorcing? What are HER reasons, HER rationalizations?
More info please, you left out 99% of this puzzle.
You have hit on part of your solution in the 2nd last paragraph - moving on or appearing to move on. Perhaps you agreeing with this and possibly appearing to date & see other women will wake her up a bit - just a suggestion.
I will call this problem a game.
And the logic in this game is to do the opposite of what you think you should do.
I feel like writing her a letter to tell her I love her and understand that she doesn't want to be married but I still want to tell her that I want to be married.
Opposite reaction: I'm not going to write a letter, I'm going to get a life and involve my self less with my wife and make myself mysterious.
I feel like calling her and letting her know I think about her and our family and I love her very much and I'm committed to doing anything to save our marriage and create a great life for our family.
Opposite reaction: I'm not going to call her ever. If she needs to speak with me, she can call me and I will keep my responses brief and shorter than her communication to me. I will appear like I'm having the time of my life and that this is actually a great thing for me because i'm going to be single again and I'm going to find someone more worthy of me.
All of this stuff is counter intuitive and yet that's the beauty of it. You don't pursue, you let go of the rope. You don't give her attention, you don't give her any attention. You focus on being a great dad and just be civil with her.
There's my 0.02 cents, speak to Gucci & Puppy, they'll probably tell you something similar.
She doesn't want you because she can have you at any time. She'll want you when she knows she can't have you and then she'll have to work to get you back.
For your part, rejection sucks and you'll have to find a way of dealing with it and moving on. It's her rejection of you which causes you to pursue her and want to change her mind about you & the marriage. When you stop fighting it and moving on with your life, acting as if, getting a life, 180's and all that hoopla, she will no longer reject you, she won't have to, you will have begun to move on and you won't be pursuing her. And when she stops rejecting you, the dynamic will change because she can't have you anymore and the switch will hopefully be flipped in her that recognizes you aren't a weak wussy excuse for a man and that you will move on and find someone better.
I would still like to know if she had ever seen anyone before the pregnancy or if any infidelity existed before any of this.
Even post partum depression wouldn't explain this. Her concern would be the pregnancy and her child, why would her depression lead her to divorce you right after having your child?
I haven’t read the other posts given on the stitch, just this thread. I don’t know anymore than the rest of you. However, I was a young woman who suffered from post partum depression and I left my H. It was just for a week, and my parents talked me into going back to him, (I was only 19), but I was very depressed. There was no OM involved or anything other than I was extremely unhappy and my hormones were messed up after having the baby. There were other things that certainly didn’t help the stitch, but that was the biggest part of it. That was a long time ago.
We may find out later that there was OM involved here, but I only wanted to mention that I do believe there are other reasons for women walking away from a H and she doesn’t have to be involved in an A. she could just be miserable and want out of the R.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
First, thanks robx for the detailed and wonderful reply. I feel very supported here and feel like the power of crowds is good for these kinds of situations.
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Is there something else at play here?
How was the marriage leading up to the pregnancy?
It seems very unusual that a woman with a 5 month old baby wants to divorce her husband for no reason whatsoever.
We had a wonderful marriage up until the baby came. Minor marital issues, but nothing big. Really what I'd call an extraordinary partnership and 99% frictionless.
I didn't say no reason whatsoever. She gives two:
1. She felt abandoned every time I had to see my other two kids (4-5 hours away) every three weeks for 3 days. We agreed to this schedule last year and it was entirely flexible. If she would've asked me to change, I would have easily. She said she could not be my teacher and that I should have known to change it myself. Probably felt that my child support payments were sucking away too much money, but I earned a decent enough salary that we were socking away $1K/month for a house.
2. She felt that she had changed as a person since having a baby, finishing her graduate degree, and getting a job and that I was no longer the right person for her. That one, I just can't figure out. Why have a baby with someone then? Why not try to work it out.
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Is she hiding something from you?
Was she ever unfaithful before the pregnancy & childbirth?
What has caused her to lose attraction for you?
No. Faithful as old faithful. Absolutely no infidelity. Never anything before, during, or after pregnancy. Also, no drugs, alcohol, or abuse.
Post-partum explains the lack of affection, which is big and which I believe made her view me as disposable, starting at the second month past birth. Divorce rates triple after having a baby. My dr. friend believes that the nursing hormone prolactin is a culprit, which can cause you to actually hate your husband in some cases.
To w, the divorce is entirely feasible: her parents have completely taken up my domestic role (they see her 2x day and 3-4 times a week for dinner, they have endless time for babysitting). She sees me at an ATM through child support payments. And believes (and her parents believe) that it's a great time to divorce because the baby won't know a thing. Finally, she and her parents believe that my son will not be affected by divorce in the future either--at all. That two households and ping-ponging back and forth and the discomfort of interaction will have no effect. Apparently, they haven't read the latest studies.
Finally, her counselor, who we had seen only twice, told her individually that if she felt change was not possible to divorce me rapidly and offer no chance to change. Period. Which she did.
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All of this stuff is counter intuitive and yet that's the beauty of it. You don't pursue, you let go of the rope. You don't give her attention, you don't give her any attention. You focus on being a great dad and just be civil with her.
Thanks. That's the best advice. Right now, she's not even civil to me. Says nothing when I pick up my son (I say good morning, etc). Maybe I should say less words than she says (less than 0).
Also, we've gone legal now. She filed for temp support and said many things to assassinate my character as a dad to provide arguments to whittle down my time with my son. I was forced to get an attorney just to get more time with my son and now have to respond to these allegations with same. Why why why has it come down to this: two people who just six months ago dearly loved each other, now can't talk to each other, require the courts to solve their problems, and have a major mess for the next 18 years with court orders, visitation, rigid schedules, etc. Ughh! Part of my letter question was also to try to make her aware of what the world will be like that she is entering. It is not what her parents believe or she believes...but you're right. The letter is stupid.
Thanks s2. No OM. The deal is that if it is hormonal, in this sich, her parents 100% support her feelings. Imagine in your 1-week of leaving H, your parents said "honey, you've gotta go with your feelings" and you said "I feel like I should divorce him" and they said "I support that."
Yes, she truly believes she will be happier post-d. Truly believes that change was not possible and d is the only way out. Other reasons in response to the other post.
I'm 48 and she's 30. We've been married almost 4 years, known each other 5. She was an extraordinary wife before we had our baby. The absolute best partner I've ever known. I knew my ex-wife for 20 years, 13 years married and I know what it takes to be a good partner and she was it. I was also a good partner to my current wife. But apparently not good enough post-baby.
My WAW is still here physically, says she needs space. I am giving that and following 180. Is there hope? She is not angree with me, just very clear that she has a long way to come back emotionally. I see little glimmers of hope here and there.
