This whole thing has really been one strange journey (not to overuse the cliché from EVER reality TV show)
I don’t realy miss her at this point. It comes and goes and I would like to have my family back together, but overall I seem to have shut down major parts of my feelings. My memories are tainted too. I am logical enough to see what is happening to a degree and know that there are still feelings in there, significant feelings, but they seem to be on hold right now. I have to much anger and resentment to let them out. I have a little compassion too. Believe it or not, I am angry with her and feel bad for her at the same time. It’s sad that she’s given up her home, her marriage, a chunk of time with her son, financial stability etc. in the search for happiness.
It’s been only a week since she’s left. The first few days seemed very emotional for her. They were for me too. Since then, I’ve become distant and have kept our communication short and only focused on our son. It’s not so much a strategy, I just don’t want to talk to her. I guess it wouldn’t hurt if she missed me though. There doesn’t seem to be any sign of it however. It’s only been a week I know, but she has gone from emotional to being chipper and like she’s my buddy in our conversations. She has even tried to take care of some things back at our house, she’s checked on me to see that I was doing OK, and has been concerned for how I am doing. She has taken very little from our house as she wants to be able to make it on her own. It sounds like she needs this whole thing as an exercise for growing up.
I don’t want to be her buddy though. I don’t want to be chatty and playful with her. I don’t even want to go to our son’s teacher conference with her tonight. I’m going to stay home and play Guitar Hero with him.
I still find myself wondering where my wife went though. I wonder where the girl who used to look at me like she used to, the girl who would say forever and ever, the girl who was so sweet, loving, and caring went to. I want to go there and find her.
As I write this, I realize that maybe I do miss her. It’s just that I miss the old her and not W-2.0.
Like so many of you others have mentioned, it is still so hard to understand how they can wear the happy face, but then say they’re done and nothing has changed.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
You're hurt and overwhelmed with emotion. You're just trying to hold it in to hold it together. That's what I would guess. GAL is an ideal, and hold onto it as something for down the line when you are ready. If you are angry then be angry. She left you. You have every right to all your feelings. And feelings shift. You feel this way now, and who knows what is down the line. The point is to take care of yourself and do what you need to do - staying home and playing guitar hero with your son is a perfect example. You owe her nothing. Take care.
Go figure, our S is having a hard time with W not living here!
I tried a million times to tell W that this would be unbelievably difficult for him the whole time she was threatening to leave and she kept telling me that I was just telling her that to try to “control” her.
This past week since she left S has been with her from the time she picks him up from school until I pick him up at 5:30 ish and bring him home. He sleeps at home, and I bring him back there in the morning. She brings him to school.
Today, she suggested that she keep him ½ of the nights. This would give her all of the time after school and ½ of the evenings as well leaving me with only ½ of the evenings. Through text message, I told her that I did not feel this arrangement was satisfactory.
She sent me this E-mail:
EB,
I completely understand if you don't like the day on/day off schedule. S has been trying to not feel like he's choosing between the two of us and since he hasn't been vocal about his wishes up to this point and now he is, I think we should try to follow it at least for a while.
This is his house, too, and I know that is probably hard to accept and I'm sorry. I understand that you feel since I get a couple hours with him after school you should get a couple hours with him after dinner. What we need to remember is that parenting time is not about us spending time with him, it's about him spending time with each of us. I discounted that before in my first schedule suggestion, and he has made it clear that it's not good enough for him. Those two hours after school are filled with winding down from the school day, homework, playdates, dinner prep and dinner. The nights he's been here for those couple hours, we've enjoyed it, but it's not enough quality time to be the long term schedule.
If you don't want to do one night on/one off, we need to come up with something else that is fairly equal as far as nights with each of us. He wants that, and to be completely honest, so do I. Let me know if you have a suggestion.
My response: Please keep in mind that my parents divorced at his exact age and I have been fighting to keep us together.
W,
I am not sure how to respond to this at the moment. I do not agree with everything that you say and frankly, it has not gone well when I have expressed opinions that differ from yours.
There are a couple things that I will touch on though.
First, I know exactly what S is going through. I have been there before. He and I have spoken about this a couple of times this past week. I believe that I even told you this was what was going to happen with him. Believe it or not, all the times I told you how this would affect him, I was speaking from experience and trying to protect him from what he is now having to deal with. At some point, I would like to have a conversation with you about what I think he will go through next. I don't think that we're ready for that yet though. I have to be honest, I'm not ready to have friendly, open minded conversations with you right now, but we do need to talk through that at some point.
If we make the schedule he just has to follow it and does not have to choose between us. I would rather, once it is made, that we stay away from last minute changes as much as possible too.
Second, I know that you want your new place to be a home for you and S. I completely get that. I don't happen to see it the same way as you may though. This is his the only home that he has ever known and where his friends and neighbors are. It's not a matter of me not accepting it. I just don't think that your new place holds the same value as "home." I agree that it is where his mother is though, and also I agree that he needs to be comfortable there and needs to spend time with you.
Please keep in mind, I bought him a bed for there so he would be comfortable at your place. I do get it.
I am not sure how to have further conversation with you regarding how to develop a schedule for him at the moment. I would like to have him tomorrow night though.
I am not sure if I handled this poorly or not. Any feedback will be welcomed.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I called to talk S after sending my email last night. I made a point to talk to W in a social way. ( I haven't said more than a few more words to her since she moved out last week). It was nice to just talk to her trying 5 or 10 minutes about TV shows.
She did take exception to my email, but we didn't dwell on it too much.
I find myself essentially indifferent to her at this point though. I feel very little for her. Occasionally I feel sad. Sometimes I feel resentment. Mostly I have realized that this version of he is not who I want to be married to. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have my family together again, but a lot would have to change. A lot would have to be addressed. I have no interest in being married to someone who is still trying to be one of the "cool kids" in school.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Sometimes I go through those thoughts as well. My H also is portraying a very unattractive part of himself lately. Someone that I do not see a future with. It scares me often as i feel sometimes like we are addicted in a way to the "family life". The future we envisioned with these men as our husbands there to take care of us and be a family and go on family vacations and our childrens sport events as a family and etc. It make me wonder at times, do I just want the family life? Or do I really want my H?
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
You are right - she will have to make changes too. We have to stop being doormats and trying to please them. We are where we are because of two people, and the solution also resides with two.
I've been thinking of what I can say to help you right now. I know this is the hardest time yet - I was there eight months ago. Remembering how devastated and upset and confused I was = I feel for you now.
My only advice is to reread Divorce REmedy. This is probably the best book I can recommend we read right now. I was thinking of you when reading the part on LRT - all that stuff about focusing on yourself and giving the impression that you are moving on and how that can change a WAS spouse from blaming the LBS to being left alone to own all their feelings - not just anger and dissatisfaction, but lonliness, fear, doubt, etc.
I am rereading it because my H and I are starting a new phase - we are getting legally separated, which only is a piece of paper but is huge for me emotionally. ON the practical front, we're starting MC so I'm looking for guidance on how to proceed given this is probabaly my last chance to save the M.
Why not get a copy and we can go through it together and get on track?
Hoping you are ok, and thinking positive thoughts for you and your son (he's the same age as mine).
I called to talk S after sending my email last night. I made a point to talk to W in a social way. ( I haven't said more than a few more words to her since she moved out last week). It was nice to just talk to her trying 5 or 10 minutes about TV shows.
She did take exception to my email, but we didn't dwell on it too much.
I find myself essentially indifferent to her at this point though. I feel very little for her. Occasionally I feel sad. Sometimes I feel resentment. Mostly I have realized that this version of he is not who I want to be married to. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have my family together again, but a lot would have to change. A lot would have to be addressed. I have no interest in being married to someone who is still trying to be one of the "cool kids" in school.
EB,
You are correct to see that there are a lot of concerns YOU have about her - and to question whether you would even want the current version of your W. I think that is a necessary stage in this process. It's healthy. Continue to explore that. And while you do, assess your self worth. I suspect you will find that you deserve better, either a new and improved W (should she come out of the fog) or someone else.
The feelings of resentment are understandable as well. I still have them. And what I usually find is that they have nothing to do with what my W is or is not doing (may be a little different where you are). Instead, I find my resentment happens when an unreasonable expectation (W isn't acting like my W) doesn't get met. Which is really a problem I am having with ME, not W. Why should I expect my W to act like my W right now - she wants to leave me, or at least that's what she has said.
Once you can identify the thought/expectation within yourself that is causing the resentment, then you can deal with it. Change your thoughts, change your emotions.
EB, I dont have great advice to offer as I pulled the plug on my M and decided to file last week. I was done with the two house situation. I didn't come from a divorced family, but knew through the experience of others what you were telling your WAS. I even had those exact conversations with my WAS. Didn't matter. They are so blinded by fantasy/fog that they can't get it. Just know that you have people here to support you and are thinking of you and your sitch. Continue to be the best Dad you can. It shows how much you love your S and that is what is important. I can tell you from recent experience that over time the feelings you have will go away. You will focus more on daily activities and those needs of your S.
I love your phrase "I have no interest in being married to one of the cool kids in school." That is such a PERFECT description of my sitch. Hey, I have been married almost 19 years, can't we just be ourselves? Why the need to go back and pretend to be something you are not? I am not sure if you see this with your WAS, but everytime I see mine, I think how tired she looks and I just wonder how she can live that kind of life and what enjoyment she gets out of it. I guess that is where she and i diverged. I would rather spend time with my family, do outdoor activities, sports etc. and she would rather pretend she is still in college again. I realized a few weeks ago, that I like being 42. Its a great age and I like acting in an age appropriate manor. I wonder if your WAS and mine will ever come out of it. I suspect the divorce will happen in my sitch first.
I will add that I continue to work through Coach's 2 parallel path plan. I filed because I could no longer continue being treated so disrespectfully. However, I am also continuing to work on making me a better person. I think your questioning whether you could go back are healthy and your comment that much would have to change is spot on. It is clear from this forum that those changes can and do occur. So keep thinking positive.
GIMA's last line about Thoughts=>Emotions so spot on. When I began thinking I was OK without WAS (at least version 2.0) my emotions changed. Then I knew I had dropped the rope and was ready for whatever came my way. I was ready to take control and not be that doormat anymore. And I did take control. Try refoucusing your thoughts on what you want and need. You will see a change. Your emotions will change. You will feel better. Your WAS will notice that change, but even if she doesn't, it will be better for you and S5.
One thought on your 2 house (1 HOME) sitch. Can you all do a week on/week off? Not sure if job sitch allows it, but in my sitch, I have found that has really given me an incredible sensse of closeness with my Ss. Now my sitch differs in that right now I will not allow my kids to go to her place. Where I live is HOME. So I travel for work on off weeks and can let her come into the house while I am gone. I do NOT recommend this and was told by numerous follks that it is not a good sitch. But for reasons not appropriate for this forum, it was the right thing to do for me. Anyway, maybe that would give your S more stability than spending time in different places everyother night?
Finally, and I know this has been long, when your S is at her house, make a plan that you call everynight at a specific time to talk to him and wish him a good night. You probably have already thought of that, but I have watched my WAS NOT do that and it is really painfully for my s10. s12 doesnt care - he is too cool for WAS. LOL. But, it makes a difference. In almost twenty years of traveling for work, I never miss calling unless i am in an airplane. Your s will really apreciate it and look forward to it. Plus, it has the added benefit of never letting him loose touch of you. He hears your voice everyday.
You will do it. Be tough.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
Some of my resentment is just from being treated like garbage. Some of derrived from my own actions and some is that I feel like I have been sold a false bill of goods. My W was always the quiet, modest, loving, respectful and mature girl. I have no interest in being married to a party girl whose goal is to show the world how "strong and independent" she is. It's like being married to a someone with a chip on their shoulder who is always looking to prove themself.
As far as a week on and a week off with S, it would be really hard to do. I leave for work 2 hours before he starts school and don't get home until 2-2.5 hours after he is done. W has a work from home business (that I helped start) so she brings him to school and picks him up. If we did the week on/off, he sould spend lots of time in latch-key. He may as well be with him Mom and I don't have to pay for it. We do talk every night that he is gone. I couldn't imagine it any other way.
When I went tp pick up S on Friday, W texted me and asked that I bring her some popcorn when I came over. We didn't have any at our house, but I was stopping at the store and picked up some for her. She seemed to appreciate it. I also brought her a screwdriver since I knew she lost hers and could use one at her new place.
I still didn't say much when I picked S up there though. It's quick, we exchange robotic pleasantries, don't make eye contact and don't go past the front door. She tries to talk to me like I am her buddy, like all is well. I am generally not a jerk, but I am quiet with short responses.
I put up Christmas lights on the house yesterday and went out with a friend last night. W talked to me for a minute when I called to talk to S (he was there last night as her parents were down again this weekend) and made sure to mention that I was on my way out. She didn't seem to care. She doesn't care about anything. She didn't even seem to care when she dropped S off this afternoon that our Christmas tree was up and she wasn't even a part of it.
She did come in for a minute when she dropped him off. I just can't bring myself to hang out with her like we're pals.
It's like there's nothing at all between us.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
