mixed signal...is she having second thoughts?

[billclay18]

About 2 months ago my wife of 4 years asked for a divorce. She’s not happy, needs to find out how she can be…blah, blah, blah…pretty common story. For the first few weeks I was devastated and my pain and anger were obvious. She found an apartment which she is moving into 8/29 and is doing all things one would do when moving out. She has not filed yet. Over the past month or so as I’ve come to accept this, things have gotten better, the tension is gone, things are more than amicable between us, we’re talking more and even joking a little. I haven’t been pursuing her, I’ve been getting out doing things for myself, keeping busy and just trying to move on with my life. No relationship talk.

There are a couple of things that I’m puzzled about though. About 2-1/2 weeks ago we were laying in bed (yes…we still sleep in the same bed) and she asked if I wanted her to rub my leg. This was something we did for each other all the time…just a comforting, relaxing thing. I said yes and proceeded to rub hers as well. A few days later she asked if I’d rub her arm “for old times sake”, which I did. This always helped her fall asleep. I took the initiative a couple of times since and she was receptive. While I enjoyed it, I found it odd. Under the circumstances I would think the last thing she would want is to touch me or be touched by me. I don’t know what to make of this. Was it just some tender moments between two people whose marriage is ending? Was she trying to reach out to me?

Another thing that has me puzzled is about a week ago we were laying in bed reading and making small talk and as we turned out the light to go to sleep, she asked me if I was coming to terms with this. My response was “yes”. She said “that’s it, just yes?” so I took a moment and said “If one person is unhappy in a marriage, you have an unhappy marriage, if one person thinks it’s hopeless…it is, and if one person wants a divorce you’ll end up divorced. Nothing I can say or do will change that so I have no choice but to accept it and let you go as lovingly as I can”. About a minute later she asked if I was still hurting and I said it don't see that it matters. Then she said she knows I’ll be mad when she leaves. I told her I’m not mad and that I’d rather have a happy ex-wife than an unhappy wife.

I can’t help but wonder why she asked these questions. Was she genuinely concerned with my well being? Was she just trying to see if I was OK to ease any guilt she may be feeling? Was she trying to see if I’ve moved on?

Could it be she’s having doubts and scared to death to talk to me about it?

[Phoenixdeux]

Billclay,

Not sure of the answer. Could be she is having second thoughts, or then again it could be that she wants out, but doesn't want to see you hurt too bad. It could be something else entirely. Regardless of her reasons for how she's acting, I think you are handling this great and suggest you continue on your current course. Make sure you show her that you aren't crushed. Make sure she doesn't see you angry with her leaving. And make sure she sees that you can be happy without her.

One question: Is there a chance she's cheating? Why the sudden bomb droppage?

[billclay18]

It wasn't the first time she told me "I'm not happy...I want a divorce". She always seemed, um...I wouldn't say unhappy...more like unfulfilled. Not necessarily with our marriage but her life in general. Went from job to job, always looking for a new career to get into. It's hard to explain briefly, let's just say nothing was ever enough.

Is there a chance she's cheating? That's always a possibility but I doubt it. It doesn't really matter. I went thru that with my first W...I will not go thru it again. If I found out she were...we'd be done! Period!

[billclay18]

Could it be that by getting on with my life, being active and upbeat, I've sparked some interest from her. She didn't seem to care how I was doing when I was clearly not doing well. She had no desire to touch me or be touched by me when I was visibly upset and hurting.

[Phoenixdeux]

I'm sure she's intrigued by you doing so well. She may even be asking stuff in the hopes that you're still upset and that the door may be open for reconciliation if worse comes to worse. She could even be a little worried that you're moving on. I think you should give every impression that you've accepted the inevitable and are moving forward with your life. It's especially important that you be upbeat when (if) she does move out. Help her move and be happy about it. Be excited...there are some benefits to having a little space and freedom for you also. The more doubts you can put in her head the better.

[billclay18]

I did talk to my wife last night and she assured me she is having no second thoughts, which I fully expected her to say. I'm fine with that. At least I don't have that lingering doubt.

I have the divorce papers filled out and ready for her anytime she wants to look them over. This should be pretty cut and dried...house is mine, she keeps her bills, I keep mine. Just need a lawyer to look them over and file.

I did all I could the past 4 years and I'm letting her go to find her happiness.

[sandi2]

So is that all you wanted to know...was why she asked those questions?

[billclay18]

I just wanted to know if what I thought might be mixed signals were second thoughts and if so give her a chance to discuss it with me. I was mistaken and she made her position clear.

[Arwen_in_NJ]

so it doesn't sound like you have any interest in reconciling...