Just want my H back

[talia]

I don't disagree Pearl.. I'll clarify.. Send the part that dosen't bother you first... I wouldn't be surprised if you realize that it wasn't so bad and it will be easier to send the second part. I do agree with Pearl - you need to follow through on your word. I was just trying to point out that you don't have to combine the two, they aren't mutually exclusive.

Fear is a big hurdle - but you do have to find away around it - you don't have to beat yourself up for feeling it!

Hope that helps!!

T

[pearlharbr]

I don't know Tal, I see it as ripping off a band-aid. If you do it all at once it's over before you know it.

[avermont]

I go with the band-aid.

Both pieces of information have to be sent. The ball is in motion. Nothing you do now will stop it. For good or for bad.

For goodness sake, you have men on planes asking for your #! I swear, all you DB ladies must be hot hot hot. I don't think I'm bad looking by any means, but this airplane/number thing just never happens to me!

So hhh--sorry for the digression--take a deep breath. Send the necessary stuff. And then keep looking forward.

[pearlharbr]

For the record, hhh is a total looker! (I hope that didn't sound creepy. It's just that I met her in person so I can vouch for her looks. )

[talia]

HMMMM.... I concede ! Send it all!

T

[hhh]

Hi Friends,
Pearl -you are so kind, that is very sweet of you. In the past I really didn't care so much about my appearance, rarely wore makeup, didn't like shopping, etc...but this process has encouraged me to put a little more effort into that (and off to get a much needed haircut this afternoon!)

OK, so no more chicken little!! I think I started to make 'baak baak baak' noises to myself. I am trying to get out of fear mode more and more each day..ripping off that bandaid and jumping into the wild unknown (I mean, in some ways i'm already in the wild yonder, but there is this very false security blanket trailing behind me). Talked about this w IC last week..like what am I waiting for? I am moving and making decisions for myself, what is best for me, but the finality of it all is STILL-as a somewhat scary process- sinking in. But maybe there will also be some relief?

We talk about doing what is best for ourselves at this stage, regardless of H's potential actions/behaviors,etc. I agree that is the way to go. In my best interest would be to get this email out. But why do I feel like it's not the DB thing to do? Does what is best for you ever conflict w DB actions, or should they mostly be aligned?

I am giving myself a goal of tonite to get this out. I just chew, occasionally on what's best for hhh vs what's best for M/DB? (overthinking again, probably..) When there is a potential conflict which wins? [or maybe there is no conflict, b.c he is already gone]

hhh is getting out of chicken-mode, slowly but surely. Thanks to all for being patient with me. Charge on!!
-hhh

[pearlharbr]

Ultimately, you have to do what's best for you because no one else will. I'm not sure it's strictly DBing but you can't control what H does/thinks/feels. If H doesn't want to be married to you I don't know why you would want to hold onto that M. Wouldn't you rather be with a man who loves, respects and cherishes you? I know I would.

I understand not wanting to give up when you hit a rough spot. I understand that you made a vow to stay with H forever. But you have been living apart for over a year and he hasn't shown any sign of moving toward you at all. I think M25 hit the nail on the head--go ahead and live your life. You never know what may happen in the future. If you come back together, great, but don't sit around waiting for that to happen.

[hhh]

Email sent. Whole thing, exactly as written in my last post. Done. (and this was after listening to Kelly Clarkson's 'Breakaway' for close to 2 hours for inspiration) No more analysis, it's gone. You are right Pearl about being with a man that loves and respects me.

We'll see what he says...I may have opened a can but it was there anyway. Now I've gotta put my focus on my move, getting sleep, keeping stress down, and having some fun before I leave.

Thanks all for the kick in the bootie!
Love and peace,
hhh

[hhh]

Ok, you guys, I am kind of crying now. Mins after I sent the email, H called me and said he was "blown away by my tone and nasty email" Said he thought it was ridiculous to expect payment over 2 years, do I know the debt he has, etc etc? Then said he did want a good amount of furniture since I'm going tit for tat and that maybe he should get a L too. I stayed calm and neutral, but at end got a tad choken up b.c I felt so attacked.

What did I do that is so wrong here? I feel like he gets a bit emotionally abusive at times.. he then said, well that since I have a L maybe he should get one too and we should really have it out. That is ridiculous after what I thought was an amicable lunch. It's not my problem that he has debts still to pay..I gave this to him as a gift. He said I have no appreciation for the debt he is in! Come on, after I paid rent and stuff for 2+ years.

I don't, don't want this to get ugly fighting over furniture and stuff. He was like 'well I can bring out itemized receipts of everything I bought...' we both agreed last time we didn't want anything from each other and he would pay me back, but he preferred to do it in a way that felt comfortable to him.


He said my email was unhuman and business-like. I said I thought it was a normal request so we're both on the same page. He then said 'well since you're running this show why don't you just fill out all the paperwork and tell me what i need to sign'

I stayed quiet...I was at a loss for words. I wasn't outright crying but he could tell I was a bit choked up. Then he was like 'what's your deal? re-read your email!' it's not that i even need it 100% in writing b/c i trust him, but I'd prefer we agree on a 2yr payment vs 10 years, which he seemed to think was unreasonable.

Did I do the wrong thing here? I don't want to get L's involved or go down any such path..I really do not. I don't want this to be drawn out and draining and I'm looking at the emotional cost as much as the financial cost. He's said in the past he wants nothing from me - even said this over lunch - including furniture, and now he's saying he does.

Ugh. But I guess his nastiness just shows another side of him that I do not like. Why does he have to be so mean at this point when I don't think I've done anything wrong? His beef was about the tuition part of the email only, not the favor I asked the L to answer for him.

Yuck

[GoBison]

Don't worry about him right now. He is just upset and probably surprised by what you sent. There was nothing wrong with what you sent.