My first SSM thread

[bluerain]

I have been posting over in infedelity for a year or so now, and have decided maybe the A wasnt my biggest problem!

I was the LDS in my M. We were together for about 3 yrs when our sex life started to waver a little. At the time we were still dating, H got an infection in one of his testicles, (not an STD type of thing) and I was turned off by that. Things recovered from there and we moved on. We moved to a new town, hes in the coast guard, and we spent the summer living in a cabin and tents. I was resentful of H for making me homeless. I couldnt find a job, and he would go to the ship for duty, where he had a real bed, a kitchen where he was served meals, a shower and a TOILET! Without a bathroom, or you know, solid walls, I wasnt comfortable ML. We were in a crowded campground and I didnt have any way to clean up. During this time H's ship would leave for days, sometimes weeks at a time, I was left alone, no job, no friends, no roof over my head. I didnt complain, I just kept our house in my sights.

In sept of 2003 we bought our home, and I found a job. Things were going great. H got another infection. We talked about it and it finally occured to me that maybe it could affect me too. I asked him and he mumbled, doc thinks that you should get checked. I couldnt beleive that he would have exposed me to something like that and not told me, and what about before? Was I letting some kind of infection wreak havoc on my reproductive tract? I went in and everything seemed fine. But it was a major blow to my trust for H.

That december we got married, a tiny ceremony at our house, followed by a raging party. Things went fine for a while, our sex returned and we had by all accounts a happy M. I was working full time and going to school full time. He would leave for his trips with work, which I started to resent, he was gone about half the year, so when he was home I felt pressured to perform, but things were ok.

In december of 2006 we went on a cruise, I said it was our honeymoon, because we never had one. It was great, there isnt quite anything like a vacation to reawaken your desire! We had a great time.

2007 went well, I did well at school, and work was fine for both of us. H was transferred to another ship, which was gone just as much, possibly more. In early 2008 I quit my job, with H's blessing, to go to school and really focus on my studies. I thought that things were going well, we ML every few weeks, not enough for either of us to be satisfied really, but I think that it was mostly my birth control that messed with my hormones, sort of sealing the fate of my sex drive after what I saw as H's failings of me.

H left for a 9 week trip the day after valentines day, 2008. He was going to my hometown, his ship needed to go to the ship yard for some work, and the crew would be staying in a hotel. About halfway through the trip H got to come home for a visit, and he spent about a week with me, during which he seemed distant. We had a HUGE fight 2 days before he left. He was all mixed up about where we were in the city and he took off trying to prove that he was right, when he tried to come back, he passed me by a block, so I called his cell to see where he was and he said that he could see me, and I was standing in front of a taxi. I couldnt understand what he meant, and I finally figured out where he was and saig, "Oh, thats not a taxi, its a pizza delivery car!" He screamed at me "you always have to be f-ing right, dont you!" and took off. Leaving me downtown in a city alone at about midnight. I almost had to run to keep him in sight. When I got back to the hotel he was waiting at the door for me, I passed him and went to another entrance. I was so angry with him.

He left 2 days later, we never really made up for that fight. We got along ok afterwards, but things definately werent right when he left. I hated the way that he left. And he started not answering, or returning my calls, we always said goodnight. I was determined to make things better, and I started to get a bad feeling, that he was seeing someone. I even knew who it was. I dont know how. When he came back, I saw his truck in the driveway after class and I rushed in and gave him the biggest hug I could, he didnt really hug back. I said "whats with the half hearted hug?" he said "We need to talk" I agreed that we did and I said you go first. He said theres someone else. I got up and left. He was saying something to me as I was leaving, I guess he was saying that I wasnt the one who needed to leave or something.

He wouldnt agree to try, just wanted out so he could be with this M OW. My dad tried his hand at MC, and H wouldnt even acknowledge that he was there. My dad thought of him as his son, and I know that my dad will not recover from his disrespect. When he finally left I asked H why he would have acted like that. He said "did you want me to tell him that you were sexually unavailible?".

H moved out shortly before my birthday, still had the nerve to tell me happy birthday. He couch surfed for the rest of the summer, made 2 visits to the OW, who lived on the other side of the state and maintained his attitude that he didnt want to work on anything. On the 2nd visit he caught her with another man when he tried to surprise her. So their R ended. He was transferred to Va august of 2008.

We started communicating regullarly in early 2009, we both apolgized for 2008, the whole year was just crap. Finally the end of May he said he wanted to try again, then towards the end of June he said he was having doubts. He still says that he is confused, and we are communicating much, much less now, I dont initiate it at all. You can get a more detailed decription of this whole episode on my infidelity thread.

I know that I wasnt sexually availible. I understand that. But he wasnt emotionally availible. I told him that I needed him to hold my hand, sometimes even when people were looking! He said it seemed like we were showing eachother off. I remember the last time he held my hand. We got out of the truck in the walmart parking lot, I grabbed his hand, before we were even halfway accross the lot, he dropped mine. That still seems so sad to me. When we were out in public he acted more like my brother than my husband, and I always really missed that.

Now I have read DB, DR, SSM, and my newest one, hope for the separated. Im not sure if its appropriate for me to be posting over here, but I thought I'd hit you all up for some perspective. Hes 32, Im 27, we were together for 9 years, married for 6. No kids, though we both acknowledged last year, during the A that we had changed our minds about that.

Holy moley, that got long fast!

[CharlieBrown]

Blue,

Welcome. I read through your sitch and wanted to make sure I understood something. Are you saying that when you did marriage counselling, your dad was the counselor?

CB

[bluerain]

CB,
No we had a real MC, Though she did more harm than good, she enabled H and tried to convince us that our M was over and I needed to move on without H. My dad just tried to come talk to him. He was always really close to H, closer than H's dad had ever been to him.

Thanks for your patience reading the whole thing. And for the welcome.

[Bagheera]

Greetings, Blue;

In reading your post, I can see many things that your husband has done wrong, and is currently doing wrong in your relationship, particularly if he wants an improved sex life with you.

So my first question is: if I were to suggest a book or two for him to read, would he read them? or would he resent your making such suggestions? How willing is he to educate himself on men, women, relationship, and sexuality -- all in the name of forging a better relationship with you?

For your part, the most prevalent undercurrents that I see in your post are your anger and resentment towards your husband:

* anger over the two testicular infections,
* anger over your initial housing situation (or lack thereof),
* anger over the long separations required by his career,
* anger over being abandoned following an argument,
* anger over his affair,
* anger over his current inability to romance you or meet your needs for emotional intimacy.

And I can say that before you will ever be "sexually available" to your husband, this high level of anger and resentment will have to be addressed FIRST.

One way of beginning to lower your focus on past hurts and disappointments is to begin a GAL (get-a-life) campaign and focus your attention and efforts on YOU, for now. It is only when you feel secure and happy within yourself, for yourself again, that you can truly reach past these old hurts and begin to bring *him* into your intimate life again.

I would also strongly recommend further Marriage Counseling for the both of you, with a *pro-marriage* counselor this time around. You both need someone to vent to and who can help guide you in your efforts to reconnect with each other again. I don't think this is something that you can do on your own.

Just my first thoughts about your situation...

-- B.

[bluerain]

Thanks Bagheera, Im not convinced that we are in a place where I can bring up reading that is aimed towards repair of the M. He might resent it. Im sorry that I didnt bring it up last time he told me that he wanted to work on it, I think that he would have been receptive then. But I can certainly file away your suggestions for the time being. I feel like I might have missed my chance. Right now I dont think that he is very interested in working to fix anything, hes always been quick to give up in other areas of life, so Im not that surprised that its starting to look that way here too.

I live in a fairly small town in Ak, so it can be hard to find a good MC, like I said I havent had very good luck so far. I was thinking that the local churches might have something. Overall, I feel like he left me high and dry. So many times, he basically let me down. And I am very independent, I can take care of myself pretty well, but I want to feel like I CAN count on him when I need to.

I dont think that I mentioned it before, but his latest duty assignment is in Virgina. So all of our communications are via text messaging, or phone conversations. Lately its only been texting. He tried to call me the day that he told me he had been having doubts, but I wasnt home. Since then there have been no phone calls.

I have been getting on fairly well with GALing, I started an awesome new job that H is envious of, volunteering with a local marine animal rescue group, made some new friends. Really, this is an excellent time of my life, shame hes missing out on it!

A lot of those things, most of them in fact, are things that I hadnt thought of in a long time, mostly I just wanted to get them out there for a background, but rehashing all of them did bring up a lot of old emotion.

[Bagheera]

I live in a fairly small town in AK.......but his latest duty assignment is in Virgina. So all of our communications are via text messaging, or phone conversations.

Maintaining a relationship long-distance is hard enough: *repairing* one long-distance is pretty much impossible. I was in the Navy myself during my early marriage, and believe that the best thing that you can do is to be as upbeat, positive, affectionate, and encouraging as possible in EVERY single long-distance communication with him. Make him walk away from every text message, email, phone call, or letter with a smile on his face, thinking of you fondly. Be the girl he wants to come home to.

Do NOT burden him with serious R talks or bring up old hurts and resentments -- that will send him scurrying, or perhaps worse (into the arms of someone else).

In the meantime GAL and do some reading / research in the areas of men, women, relationships, and sexuality. The more you understand *yourself* and him (as a man), and how that combination works both between the sheets and out, the better off you are. Here is a list of books that you can start with. Since I posted that list, I have completed Schnarch's Passionate Marriage and do highly recommend it -- it's sort of like the Bible for this forum (in addition to SSM and SSW).

Keep talking to us too -- traffic is light right now as folks ar off doing summer stuff, but they'll check in and comment when they can.

-- B.

[bluerain]

I have been super busy at work. H had been really quiet lately, but last night he was very chatty. We talked for a long time. Not about anything serious, just small talk. Things were nice and upbeat and I told him that I had to get to bed and he sort of drug out the end of the conversation. I just feel like I need a boost in this. Ive been having such a good attitude for so long. I feel like I need some positive movement! If the communication picks back up soon, I think that I would call that positive movement.

[bluerain]

I just talked to H last night and he reminded me that he will be here next month. I think that the premise of the visit is he is going to get the rest of his things. He has some clothes, and a 4 wheeler and a boat. But hes flying, and he doesnt have storage for these things where he lives.

I wonder if I should ask him the purpose of his visit. I dont know where hes going to stay, his friends were all in the CG and they have transferred out by now.

[bluerain]

Well, H will be here on tuesday. I have a huge to do list between now and then.

I dont know why H is coming. I asked him if he would be staying with some friends of his, he said that he hadnt made plans yet, but was sure that they would have him. I didnt invite him to stay here.

I dont think that I expect anything from this visit. Hes crossing the country for it, I dont know what his purpose is. Hopefully by the end of the week Ill at least have a more clear idea of where I stand with him.