Back again...unfortunately

[lynn97]

Well it's been over a year since I've been here and I'm afraid to say I'm back again. I can't find my old posts so I'll just give a brief history.

Been married for almost 12 years. Got married very young due to pregnancy. 2 kids 11 and 6. First time I used DB'ing was when my wife had her first PA about 8 years ago. She had another EA last year which ended in us reconciling. This time I can say that there isn't another man.

W just feels "dead inside" and wants a "real" connection with someone. I admit I haven't been keeping the DB'ing going very well for the past 6-8 months and let too many things slide. Now the magic is gone, the connection is gone, and she's decided to move out and "take a break".

So that's where I'm at. At first I smothered her, I've since backed away and am working on GAL. I'm being positive around her and telling her that it is good for her to take some time for herself and sort things out. Being lovingly distant I guess.

Besides our lack of communication and dropping the ball on keeping up the DB'ing I think our marriage isn't that bad. However I do believe my wife doesn't have a life. She doesn't have many friends and rarely gets out of the house even if I try to get her too. Basically her life has revolved around me and the kids for so long and she wants more. I can totally understand this. I've tried to support her in everything she does to make her life better. To me though it seems she just stop trying and I feel like I'm getting blamed for her lack of initiative to do her own thing. Maybe it's my fault for trying to be everything for her. I really don't know.

Does anyone else have experience with the housewife blues or whatever you would call this? Is there a better way to DB in this situation besides GAL and lovingly detaching?

Thanks.
Lynn

[Sara]

Sounds like she needs a job. What can she do, or what does she enjoy that she could get some credentials to do? It's funny how many times a woman who needs work instead goes for the divorce.

[lynn97]

She's a author trying to get her career going. Unfortunately this is a pretty solitary job. I've tried to gently push her to try other new things to expand her social spectrum, book clubs, going out and meeting people, part-time job, but to no avail.

Like I said I've probably been doing to much for her and giving her an easy out. But really I don't know anymore.

Lynn

[cat03]

shee needs individual counseling, you are not responsible for her happiness, I mean that while you are her H you are not entirely responsible for her behavior. She sounds depressed, she prob needs some theraphy and/or antidepressants, sounds like she might've been trying to fill that void she has with other men (obviously it hasn't been working, we all know that affairs are just bandaids and crutches to escape reality).

In the meantime find a sitter once a week and do something together, take a dancing class, join some sort of club of an interest she hasn't had time to fulfill, etc etc.

[Husb of Walkaway]

I am not seperated yet. I think if she saw a path financially, she would be gone. Right now I am giving her space. Following 180. Question: should I be in the house doing my 180 or try to be more scarce, i.e. work late, go out more?

[lynn97]

I posted over In thinking about leaving, but realized I should have just used this thread instead. Bad chat board etiquette, sorry. Anyway you can read that brief thread here;
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1884601#Post1884601

In summary I think it might be done this time. I still do have hope but have also came to a very grave realization (thanks in part to stuck808) that not only have I not been keeping up with the DB techniques, but falling back on my old techniques is really what is causing her to walk away.

I had thought after the first affair that it was all her fault, why is she leaving me. Well big surprise, it's because I'm ignoring her and not giving her what she needs. In my case though it seems based on a little research I've been emotionally abusing her for years. No I don't yell or scream at her, but I do make fun at her expense and put her down, not listen to what she saying and generally not respecting her as a person.

Have any other DB out there been an emotionally abusive partner?

I feel like the lowest form of life at this point. How could I hurt the one I love so much? How could I do those horrible things without even realizing the harm I was causing? I am awake to the problem now and seeking help but I fear that it is too late for our marriage at this point. We talked about this last night and it went about as well as expected. Pushed her further away and such. Of course me feeling sorry for myself didn't help any I'm sure.

Of course we are still living together and that makes it hard. Now I have both the feeling of guilt for what I did and sadness for our marriage ending. This morning she rolled over and cuddled with me. It felt good but only hurt more in the end. I'm thinking I should start sleeping on the couch so this doesn't happen, but am unsure if that's good or bad. Any thoughts from the experts?

I will continue to DB and work on myself while she decides if she wants to stay with me. I haven't given up all hope, but things look grim. I will also continue to journal here because it makes me feel a little better to get it out.

Lynn

[ClingingToHope]

Lynn, I've been out of the house nearly seven months now. My W has the classic mid-life crisis signs. She's unhappy in her job but makes too much to start over. She wants to sell the house but we're underwater on the mortgage. She's the emotional center between her mother and sister and they pull her every which way. Our daughters are wonderful girls but having typical growing up issues. All of her friends from high school are distant and W isn't the type to work at reaching out.

In short. She's not happy and the only thing in her life she can change is me.

I blamed her 100 percent for the breakup until this summer when I took a Marriage Rebuilders class. It was one night a week for eight weeks and I learned a ton about how I contributed to her growing unease. Every little failure on my part just added another brick to the wall she was building. By this spring she was saying the classic walk-away-wife things such as "I never loved you" and "you deserve to find someone who loves you."

So I'm with you 100 percent.

Now the knowledge that I contributed big time to the breakup and it's not just some pyschological issue on her part is good and bad. After taking the classes, I confessed how badly I treated her in small ways in a letter. It prompted the ONE good conversation we've had since I moved out.

I felt so good after. I just thought it was a matter of time. But there's been no real progress since and I've swung from super happy and GALing successfully to woe-as-me talk.

I paid for three DB phone sessions and they helped. The last one was this week and the counselor gave me three things to think about.

The mid-life crisis fog can take a long time to lift. I'm just seven months in. Read the success stories. Even those took 18 months to three years.

Two. Act "as if." I didn't really understand it until she explained it to me. Act as if this will all work out in the end. You have two kids. That's a strong tie that will always be there.

Three. You aren't actually getting divorced. There's been no filing. Don't jump ahead of the game. In my case. A month ago she was talking about filing soon and being divorced by mid-2010. There's been no talk of it since. I'm at the house every day to see my girls off the bus. I look around. I don't see any paperwork or notes or googling about divorces or attorneys or links.

The DB counselor says the biggest problem for a LBS is they want to speed up the process. You have to have patience. I don't know if I have enough of it. I guess I'll learn.

[lynn97]

Thanks Cling. I'm sorry to hear your in the same boat. I have used the 3 session counseling too and they do help. Most of all it really helps to hear from others in the same situation. Especially some of the expert db'rs around here. I find reading through others sitches helps me pick up things I should or shouldn't be doing.

I've actually been wondering if what she is going through is a MLC. It's so hard not to want to help her when she is so depressed. I know I'm supposed to be lovingly distant, but it kills me not to help. But I know that is something I have to work on in myself. I have to break this co-dependency.

Last night had its ups and downs. I fixed dinner, kept it upbeat. Most importantly I spent some quality time with my daughter. That was very nice.

She was really depressed. I listened, tried to add small words of encouragement but that was it. I didn't try to fix it and that was a huge improvement for me.

I had already planned to have a beer with a friend after I put the kids to bed so after our brief talk I left (I needed to get out of there anyway, she was depressing me too). I actually got a couple texts from her after a bit asking how it was going and such which was nice.

The biggest thing last night is after we laid down to go to sleep she said "You are so confusing". So I asked her what she meant and she said "Because you're this new person again, the "good" you". I smiled and said, that's the real me. Sometimes I just forget and fall into bad patterns. That's why I'm working on me and getting help.

It's a small thing I know, but shows it's working. I just need to keep working on me this time. I need to be a better man and father regardless of how this all turns out

[ClingingToHope]

That is real progress. Keep doing what works and stop doing what doesn't. The more my W got depressed the more I let it affect my mood. So then we had two unhappy people living with each other.

The big thing I've learned is I can't make her happy. I can't reach into her head and flip a happy switch. Only she can do that.

You can try to help -- if she asks for it -- or you can try to be happy with yourself and let her figure out how to be happy with herself.

[lynn97]

Thanks for the words of encouragement, Clinging.

As an update we've had a pretty nice weekend. We've been talking more and she's even been a little physical with me. She even said ILY last night before bed. So I guess something is working.

I think the big switch she had is she picked herself up off of the couch and decided to go visit a friend next weekend. Just for her to take the initiative to fly across the country by herself is a positive step I think.

Of course there could be alterior motives to her trip. But right or wrong I'm going to trust her. I don't believe she's going to do something to jeopardize our marriage. I think she just needs some time away from it all to clear her head. I'm sure a lot of you will say it's a bad idea to let her go, but stopping her is only controlling, which is her major complaint with me anyway. I've told her I'm unsure of how I feel about what she's doing but respect her for taking initiative and getting grips with things.

So next week is going to be tough I'm sure. But I'm preparing for the worst mentally if necessary. Most importantly I'm working on me now.

I will keep everyone posted on the developments.

Lynn