Myers-Briggs or DISC use?

[Spinaltap13]

A lot of talk here about how to communicate with spouses regarding sex and SSM - does anyone have thoughts/opinions on how to use Personality Profiles, such as DISC and/or Myers-Briggs, in this area?

[Bagheera]

A lot of talk here about how to communicate with spouses regarding sex and SSM - does anyone have thoughts/opinions on how to use Personality Profiles, such as DISC and/or Myers-Briggs, in this area?

With regard to relationships, I have found the Enneagram system to be the most helpful in (a) understanding oneself and (b) understanding one's spouse. Correctly "typing" oneself can be difficult, however, espescially if you aren't initially happy with the results -- it's easy to shift a few answers on an on-line test to obtain a result more to your liking. The most accurate way that I have found in typing oneself is to carefully read through each of the descriptions of the 9 basic types (I like the extensive descriptions at The Enneagram Institute), and discover which one really speaks to the YOU at your core. Note that overlaps between types can also occur, in the form of secondary "wings," for a total of 27 types possible in the system. For example, I am personally a Type 4 with a 5-wing.

In the Enneagram system, one can also dig deeper into what are called your instinctual subtypes, which describe whether you have, on the subconscious level, a Self-Preservation orientation, Social orientation, or Sexual orientation. Important note: this last is NOT a measure of sexuality, per se, but is instead a measure of how pair- or couple-oriented you are). Of these three subtypes, most of us have a primary mode, a seocndary mode, with an under-developed tertiary mode. Again using myself as an example, my subtype "stacking" is of the Sexual/Self-Presservation variety. This does not mean that I can't be social, I can: it simply means that I draw my greatest degree of fulfillment and security from my pairing-relationship, secondarily from myself (my "lone-wolf" tendencies), and the least from social interractions -- I have to work at being social. And, as a Type 4 Sex/Self stacking -- I have to be particularly careful of NOT becoming codendent and clinging, especially when under stress.

With regard to relationships, the Enneagram Institute site has a section devoted to Type Compatibilities; that is, how a person of each of the nine types does when paired up with someone else of each of the nine types --> for a total of 72 different pairings, or combinations. If you can type both yourself and your spouse accurately, then this information can give you some nice relationship insight and show you the pitfalls inherent in your own particular pairing (to see the pitfalls portion of their write-ups, however, you have to sign up for their quarterly email).

I've done a little investigating with the Myers-Briggs system (I'm a INFJ, bordering on INTJ), but haven't found the information available on that system to be as helpful with regard to either relationships or gaining a deeper understanding of oneself. Humorously, I *have* found the much less formal OKCupid Dating Persona profile (which I won't link here) to be rather helpful in understanding someone, relationship wise. Their fun test measures your "relationship goals and moral values" specifically, and produces a surprisingly good "snapshot" in that regard.

One final warning: in attempting to "type" yourself or your spouse, take your time, think about it, and digest it --> you're looking for who you are **at your core**, and NOT a persona that you or your spouse projects towards others. Also, be honest with yourself about what you discover: every type has both good and bad traits associated with it, and *none* of the "unhealthy" states are desireable. But honestly recognizing that you are in an unhealthy state is the first step toward bringing about personal growth, and moving oneself towards the healthier states associated with each type.

Best regards,

-- Bagheera

[Dia]

I happen to be an MBTI professional.

Do you have specific questions?

P.S. FWIW, I have a hunch that the MBTI may map fairly well onto the 5LL - but I have no data on this atm.

[Bagheera]

Some follow up articles on Myer-Briggs in relationship compatibility:

Compatibility for Myers-Briggs Types Part 1

Compatibility for Myers-Briggs Types Part 2

Incompatibility of Myers-Briggs Types

Note: the author does not identify herself in this Blog, so proceed with a grain of skepticism.

[Dia]

Hmmmm...

Trouble is, I'm not aware of any data supporting any of these theories. I don't think the issue has been well studied at all.

Still fun to think about, though!!

IMHO, Kiersey's 'opposites attract' theory doesn't hold water. Get the Kiersey book and read the section just about sex for the INFP and the ESTJ. The two will murder each other inside of a month.

I am a very strong iNtuitive. In fact, I max the scale. I don't think I've ever dated an S-type. All of my boyfriends have been other Ns.

My H is an INTP and I am an INFP. I think we're very compatible and get along great. When I have dated other NFs, I have found them overy dramatic and needy/clingy. And gosh darn it, they take everything so personally! OM was an INFJ. No f'ing way. Never again.

Not only was there a P/J conflict, but the duelling Fs made it a drama nightmare.

I have, however, gotten along VERY well with male INTJs. The T takes the drama out of the J/P stuff.

Another thing these models fail to account for is the strong gender and numerical discrepancy among the types.

ESTJs account for about 9-10% of a normal sample and are mostly male.

INFPs account for about 1% of a normal sample and are mostly female.

Ergo, it's going to be extraordinarily difficult to even find enough ESTJ/INFP pairings to study at all, much less with any sort of statistical validity. And if you're looking for a reverse pairing, female ESTJ/male INFP - good luck!

Anyhow, mere anecdotal ramblings.

[Bagheera]

My H is an INTP and I am an INFP. I think we're very compatible and get along great. When I have dated other NFs, I have found them overly dramatic and needy/clingy. And gosh darn it, they take everything so personally! OM was an INFJ. No f'ing way. Never again.

And I happen to be male INFJ. Dramatic? Needy/Clingy? Taking things too personally? Hmmm...I've gotten better as I've gotten older and matured...seriously! Stop grinning!

[Bagheera]

I can agree with with wisdom of iNtuitives generally pairing with other iNtuitives, especially since I married an ISFJ and our N vs. S opposite logic wiring often gets in the way.

Thinking back to my dating days, some of my most enjoyable pairings (on the short term at least) were with Extroverts, as a counterpoint to my Introvert personality. It perhaps wouldn't work with a strong E/I difference, but on a lighter scale, the E tends to draw the I out, and the I tends to keep the E grounded.

I personally think that the long-term relationship really needs a mixture of similarities and *complementary* differences. In the good times, the differences keep you fascinated with each other, while in the bad times, the similarities keep bonded when those differences drive you each respectively nuts with each other.

-- B.

[Dia]

My H is an INTP and I am an INFP. I think we're very compatible and get along great. When I have dated other NFs, I have found them overly dramatic and needy/clingy. And gosh darn it, they take everything so personally! OM was an INFJ. No f'ing way. Never again.

And I happen to be male INFJ. Dramatic? Needy/Clingy? Taking things too personally? Hmmm...I've gotten better as I've gotten older and matured...seriously! Stop grinning!

LOL!!

For me, it's like this...

"There's only enough room in this R for one person's drama -- MINE!!"

Tho as an INFP, I tend to keep most of that stuff to myself. I let my calm, curious, N and P do the talking.