HELP! Stop the monkey mind!

[Arwen_in_NJ]

Sitch here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...357#Post1804357

Seem to be having a bad day today for some reason... the brain is running in circles and I can't seem to get it to stop!

I am going out of town for the weekend. My W, who has been having an A and has not stayed at the house for the last 2 weeks, indicated that she is going to be around for the weekend, and therefore available to feed our dog & cat. I asked her if she was going to be alone, and she said "No". I told her "The Rule" still stands (OW is not permitted in our house), and she said "Of course".

Problem is, she hasn't given me much reason to trust her (duh), and I am obsessing on the fact that in spite of what she says, she will take this opportunity to have her "friend" in the house, as I know she has wanted to do for a while.

I have asked neighbors to note what cars are in the driveway over the weekend. I know there is nothing I can do if she does, and it would be just another symptom of her MLC disease, but that does not stop me from dwelling on it. Help!

[karen43]

If it's important that OW not be there, and I 100% understand how you would feel that way, I think the best way to do that would be not to rely on your W for help. Do you have any other friend or family member, pay a teen on your block or something, call a dog sitting service? Karen

[Arwen_in_NJ]

Hey K-

I am already out of town. I have plenty of neighbors who could have watched the dog, but to use someone else would have made it clear to my W that I don't trust her.

As I am trying to maintain a friendship as a bridge to something deeper if, no WHEN, her A blows up, I chose to appear to take her at her word.

We'll see what happens. :-(

[karen43]

Hey K-

I am already out of town. I have plenty of neighbors who could have watched the dog, but to use someone else would have made it clear to my W that I don't trust her.

Well, I think WAS that are having an A aren't trustworthy. You have to earn trust, and she's done the opposite. I wouldn't be so worried about her feelings too much, esp. if OW not being at your place is important to you. Karen

[kat727]

I agree with Karen. You don't trust her now so why put up the front? People having affairs are going to do what they want and don't care who they hurt along the way. If she hasn't been staying there, I would change the locks and ask someone else to help you out in the future. This is a consequence of the affair, there is nothing wrong with letting her feel it.

kat

[Stronger]

Beautifully said.

My H started and EA that turned into a PA.....how much of a PA I still don't know and not sure I'm ever going to ask or want to know.

BUT, things in our situation didn't change until I started giving him "consequences". And I didn't close him out completely as we have a child together. But I did close him out other ways.

Things are now much much better. A backbone is sexy. Show her yours.

And seriously, the OM not being allowed in your house....that just makes sense. It's just being respectful to yourself and she should be able to easily easily give you that. And how do you know he even wants to be there? I think you have a 50/50 shot with that. I think there are lots of OP who won't go into the marital home.....because to them (and this is sort of funny) going into the marital home is just too creepy.....really lets them feel how crappy of a person they are.

[Arwen_in_NJ]

If she hasn't been staying there, I would change the locks
kat

She still works from home periodically (she is there today, in fact) and since we co-own the home, I can't throw her out. She has as much right to be there as I do....

[Arwen_in_NJ]

And seriously, the OM not being allowed in your house....that just makes sense. It's just being respectful to yourself and she should be able to easily easily give you that. And how do you know he even wants to be there?

Honestly, I don't know that the OW (we are a gay couple) wants to come in the house. I just know that my W wanted to bring her there for the 4th of July weekend, and when I said "no", her response was "Well, how long is that going to last?". As the OW has been following her around like a puppy dog, I think she would have gone for it. I said it was a reasonable request, and my W said it was "for now" but "that soon it wasn't going to be". This from the woman who said she was going to be "as kind and sensitive as possible" during the Separation/D process.

The MLC/A self-centeredness really is incredible... My W clearly saw the house as hers, as she has been pretty much the sole breadwinner for the last 5 years. She even worked up a spreadsheet- how many months I paid the mortgage, how many months we both paid the mortgage, how many months she has paid. At the time she did this, by her calculations the equity was a 70/30 split in her favor. I think her appointment with her attorney really opened her eyes to the reality of the situation...