Something that bothers me... The book seems to specifically address first marriages. Heck, if that's the case and it's both me and my wife's second or third marriage, the book would seem to suggest that we both should still be in out first marriage because we should have never left. I realize that some grounds for divorce are drug/alcohol abuse and physical abuse, but what if neither of these apply? If there is no "acceptable" reason why I am divorced and the book is saying that I should have stayed, then what am I doing in this marriage? And if I am to apply all of the principles to this marriage as if it's the first, the doesn't that just totally undermine the entire premise of the book?
Something that bothers me... The book seems to specifically address first marriages. Heck, if that's the case and it's both me and my wife's second or third marriage, the book would seem to suggest that we both should still be in out first marriage because we should have never left. I realize that some grounds for divorce are drug/alcohol abuse and physical abuse, but what if neither of these apply? If there is no "acceptable" reason why I am divorced and the book is saying that I should have stayed, then what am I doing in this marriage? And if I am to apply all of the principles to this marriage as if it's the first, the doesn't that just totally undermine the entire premise of the book?
well I think you kind of answered your own question with your question, don't you think:
"...Heck, if that's the case and it's both me and my wife's second or third marriage, the book would seem to suggest that we both should still be in out first marriage because we should have never left"
2nd and 3rd marriages and still running into the same problems that led you to divorce in the first place.
So obviously, you can't blame your spouses for every issue if you're repeating the behaviors that lead you to the same problems.
Get it?
You're still the same you, just a different spouse. Since you're the same you, what makes you think you're able to have a better marriage with someone new? You haven't bothered resolving your personal issues, you haven't bothered on working on changing certain behaviors which lead to these kinds of problems. You're basically just saying that the problems are with the other person and that you're perfect.
It doesn't undermine the premise of the book, it's getting you to understand that if you don't resolve your personal issues, you're going to repeat the same mistakes and bring you to same inevitable conclusion: divorce. And since you are in your 2nd & 3rd marriages as per your words, you're getting to the divorce stage much quicker because you've faced failure before and you don't want to hang around as long as you did last time.
The book is spot on, you just need to read it with a different point of view, in fact your own life might be better if you start looking at things with a different point of view.
I think you just have to work with where you are now. Those marriages are over, this one is still possible.
Exactly.
I don't remember any distinct bias towards first marriages, other than the statistic that later marriages have an even greater chance of ending in divorce.
And as robx pointed out, that's because people who end up remarrying often do not work on the issues that led prior marriages to end in the first place. And because you're conditioned to accept that a marriage can "just not work out", there's less resistance to starting over for a third (or fourth) time.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I'm no pro- obv- but I would agree. That's why I'm here, to save this M so that neither of us waste a good thing only to find ourselves in the same sitch w/ OS in another M.
A new POV is key- no M is doomed or hopeless- unless you have the addiction/abuse sitch
