I was here before in 2003. I successfully saved my marriage at that time. Unfortunately, I'm here again.
I guess you could say it's my fault. I took a position at work a couple of years ago that demanded a lot of time and mindshare. My wife has expressed increasing frustration. I've assured here that things would get better after my project was over, but this didn't happen as expected.
It seems like the bad has been intersperced with the good. We celebrated 10 years of marriage in June - took a week trip to Hawaii, had a fantastic celebration party, etc. I guess I took this as an indicaton that things weren't all that bad. But interpersed with this has been comments from her like "I don't even feel like I'm married" and "I don't even want you to try".
This came to a head Monday night, I had come home prepared to do the regular work-at-night-to-get-ready-for Tuesday thing. She mentioned that she has a meeting on Thursday to see a therapist, and after some probing this led to the "I'm thinking about divorce" thing. Where are you on this, I asked, and she's been looking for placed to move out to. So with that out, we switched into seperation mode - she moved into the guest bedroom. And here we are again.
So now I'm playing catch-up with all the things I guess I should have done. You could say I've felt trapped at work into taking on more and more responsiblity, so Tuesday I asked my manager to change me job for a reduction in scope.
One of the things she has fretted about all this time is me taking care of myself - enough sleep, exercise, etc. So I can start doing that.
Here's the kicker though. We've been through this before. She knows all the tricks. Yeah, I took time yesterday to bring home dinner. I got up this morning to make breakfast (and she rolled her eyes). Her "love language" is "acts of service" and I know this, and she knows I know it. She knows what I'm doing. All these things are in response to what has happened - not that I did them naturally. That's my fault. I checked out. It's too late to change that, but now is all I have. Obviously I need to reengage.
I don't remember all the details of DivorceBusting. I bought the book again and have begun to read it, but need to get to the meat.
I don't know how fast she plans to move out, but she's talking to a friend tonight.
So, on the plus side, she's talking about being respectful, about maintaining the family unit for holidays, etc. This is not a yelling match. She's given me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line. We're sharing the same space. Largely everything is as it was before. She's talking about needing space to get perspective. This seems like a last resort scenario on her side, but she's reached the limit.
On the minus side, she's a lot more methodoical and less emotional this time around than she was last time. It seems like she's thought this through more.
Other details - we have twin boys about to enter the 3rd grade. In terms of my work environment, it's a very demanding corporate atmosphere. In coversations with others, they've run into the whole work/life balance thing too - this job will take all it can. It's a known thing in our committee. Yeah, I went to the doctor to get the Xanex, etc. yesterday, to cope, the doctor heard where I work and rolled her eyes, I've gotten the same response from therapists I talked to the last time we went through this. But people have observed to me that my wife seems to be less tolerant than most.
OK that's my story. I could use some feedback. Thank you everyone. - Bill
You start at the beginning. DB is like riding a bike. You will remember.
Yes, it is frightening that she is so resolute. But you have your whole lives ahead of you. It has taken years for you to get to this point and it will take years to fix it.
Take the time to understand why she feels the way she does. What can you change? You want to change, right? A half-way effort won't work - certainly not a second time around.
You are amongst friends here. So sorry you had to join us, but you are in the right place for support.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
See this is so weird - we're talking on the phone like there's nothing different. Except - she's specifically stopped saying "I love you", spontaniously or in response to me. She's described this scenario where she has moved out, comes to the house to particiate in the family unit (for the sake of the boys it would seem), the leaves to sleep somewhere else. She "needs" space, but is being completely respectful, treating me as I guess "co-parent". She has said that I'm her best friend. What is this?
She says she logically understands why I've been doing what I'm doing for work, but feels taken for granted, "not married".
Just a few weeks ago, I was taking care of her post-surgery, and she commented on how she felt spoiled that she got to spend so much time with me (I'd taken off work). We had intimacy at that time. Now admittedly I was stressed out about the things I was missing at work, so that wasn't good. I'm sure she took that as an indication of my priorities.
I'm not sure how to decipher all this.
I guess I should stop saying ILY for now. It's a habit, but kind of pressing the issue.
She's crazy on Facebook now too, talking to all sorts of old high-school friends. She says that suddenly she's getting attention from all these people and she loves it.
We have had a special thing where we do massages with oil - have sometimes seen her with her nose in the computer, and offered her a massage, or something for us to do something together. Just have a conversation. She has recently commented that it makes her want to punch me, like "oh, NOW you want to pay attention..."
It was a bad year. Our twins were 2 years old; my wife had what I'd describe as a break-down, was recovering from that but was essentially suffering from depression. I was also suffering from depression. My mother was sick, there was work pressure then too. Our whole situation was shut down. She said then, as I suppose she's saying now that I had just "disappeared". In 2003, this wake-up call spurred me into action - got on anti-depressants, saw a therapist, etc.
My ex was the former, almost all his energy going into his career, coming home and talking about his job, going out and talking about his projects. It becomes pretty isolating. Almost all my energy went into the kids which created a split that only grew bigger.
What is your concept of marriage? What makes it right, what is the balance? Do you 'hear' your wife, does she 'hear' you? Do you care how you're remembered... "Loving husband, father" or "Work was his mistress"? Who gets the 'best' of you... your job or your family?
She sounds angry, and frustrated from lack of attention. It sounds like you went back into your comfort zone.. working long hours.. at some point. You can say it's your fault, but marriages are a two way street. It seems you listen when whacked by a 4x6.
Look at yourself, ask yourself the tough questions. Do you really want a relationship with your wife, or is just easier being married? How do you meet your objective? Faking it until you make it works wonders, as long as you KEEP making it.
Be nicer, listen without talking, become 'safe' again. She gave you a hint.. that she felt spoiled spending so much time with you. If you want your job to define you, accept that and be honest. If you want a marriage and your family intact, figure out how to make that happen.
Puppy - no, no infidelity on either part at any point, and I do not suspect such now.
Gypsy - this is the key issue, I agree. I am not happy with the work life I've had recently. However I have continued to choose it. I have some degree felt trapped. Yes, that's a cop-out, I see it, I'm responsible for that choice, and the solution is simple - I talked to my manager yesterday and said, I need to make a change. I want a change of scope, let's install another manager and I'll report to them, I'm delegating responsiblities, etc. Don't care about promotion, etc. Seems easy enough to say now.
I've been talking a long time about, I need to make changes. My wife says she's tired of hearing it. She doesn't believe it anymore. And she wonders if any changes I do make are sustainable.
She uttered a I suppose a good summary statement the other day: "You're a good man. You just work too much."
And yeah, I quit as Cub Scout den leader because it was too much additional work.
I get it. And I won't defend it. I have some behaviors or implicit beliefs that the best behaviors are to commit completely, be dependable, reliable, do the best you can. I have somehow followed this a little too blindly.
