180's, "As if "and MC collide

[trrose]

Hi everyone, i need some advice. I find it is very tough to be doing 180s acting "as if" and then have to go to MC where i have to share my true feelings.

To give you some brief backfill. My wife wanted to go out with a girlfriend on Sat night instead of going to a family picnic. Usually i would get really pissed instead I told her to go and have fun...prior to me leaving with my son to the picnic, my wife asked me if i minded if she went..i replied that she should go.

In MC today during conversation the picnic thing came up and the MC was astounded that she would rather go out with a friend on Sat night then be with her husband and family...i admitted I was pissed off....my wife said i was a liar etc..

advice please! AM i supposed to be doing 180s in MC?

[sgctxok]

Yeah. You're sabotaging yourself. Be consistent.


MC is NOT a place for 'telling it all' ... It is not dumping grounds. And if you do not have a MC who is on board with what you're doing...dump MC.

[ShockedOne]

Thumbs up on SG's reply. Try not to find yourself in situations where you have to lie, but you need to maintain consistency. Sidetrack, change subject, detour......

[Kettricken]

From the text of Divorce Busting:

"If you anticipate a negative response from your mate such as, "I know he will be angry at me when I walk through the door," or "I know he won't accept the idea I have," or "I'm convinced we'll have a fight at this party tonight," you probably change *your* behavior in subtle and not so subtle ways. As a result, you may inadvertently trigger the very response you are hoping to avoid. Your tension -- the way you walk, look and speak -- may provide cues that signal hostility without your even knowing it.

To avoid setting yourself up for failure, ask yourself: "How would I act differently if I expected ______________ (him to be pleased to see me, her to agree with me, or the evening to go well)? Be as specific as possible. Perhaps another example will help.

A woman admitted that she was anticipating a fight with her husband when he returned home from work that evening. I asked her to predict the sequence of events after his arrival. She said that when he entered the house she would be making dinner. He would walk into the kitchen and she would avoid his eyes, waiting for him to greet her first. She anticipated feeling tense and, in an effort to calm herself and avoid conflict, she would continue making dinner, paying little attention to him.

Then I asked how she behaves when she's had a great day and is eager to see her husband. Without hesitation she responded, "I greet him at the door with a hug and a kiss. I ask about his day and tell him about mine. Then we relax for ten mintues or so; he reads the paper and I read the mail. He tells me that I hum when I'm happy, so I probably hum when I'm done reading the mail."

You can see how different the backdrop for the getting-along scene is as compared to the backdrop for the showdown. The scenes are the contexts which influence moods, feelings, perceptions and, last but not least, actions. I suggested that this woman set the scene for cooperative interactions by acting as if she expected cooperation. She did and, much to her surprise, they had a very pleasant evening together.

Although the woman in the above case wasn't totally convinced that the evening would go smoothly when she agreed to do the task, she committed herself to acting as if it would, and thereby accomplished her goal. Many people say that they appreciate the "act as if....." task, saying they feel more in control of their lives because they recognize that feelings needn't dictate actions or outcomes."

As above, "acting 'as if'" has to do with behaving as you would in a positive interaction, and not acting all tensed up like you're going to have a fight which paradoxically may precipitate the very fight you fear. Others call this "The Assumption Of Good Intent". It's *wonderful* advice from Michelle.

But it has absolutely *zero* to do with camouflaging your true feelings or outright *lying* about them, only to have the "truth" about how you felt/your preferences come spilling out of you later (which it inevitably will, either in anger or at some point when you feel your marriage is "safe" enough to express what you would *really* prefer).

How could anyone be surprised when their spouse treats their every utterance with distrust after a few episodes like that???

[trrose]

Jeez, this stuff is so tricky...ok so if she says she wants to go out with her friend instead of going to a family picnic...im supposed to say? "I would appreciate it if you come with us?" even thought this strategy doesnt work?

In the past the more i told her to go out, the more she stayed home, and vice versa

[Coach]

To give you some brief backfill. My wife wanted to go out with a girlfriend on Sat night instead of going to a family picnic. Usually i would get really pissed instead I told her to go and have fun...prior to me leaving with my son to the picnic, my wife asked me if i minded if she went..i replied that she should go.

DBing doesn't preclude you from sharing your feelings. Hiding your feelings is unproductive and won't help in setting boundaries. It is your responsiblity to let your wife know if she steps on your feelings.
Here's how to handle it next time. "Wife I want you to go to our family picnic. I feel that it is important for us to spend time together to stay connected. I can't stop you from going out seperately and I won't agree with your decision to do so."
You are letting her know where you stand and what your feelings are, plus the choice is hers to make. If you think that this is totally out of line the mark a boundary, she behaves this way then there are consequences. You are not attacking her personally but letting her know what behavior is unacceptable to you.
Find your voice. You can handle it.

Cheers

[trrose]

thanks coach, this is good advice.i dont have a problem w my voice its keeping my emotions in check when my wife is off the reservation.

You are letting her know where you stand and what your feelings are, plus the choice is hers to make. If you think that this is totally out of line the mark a boundary, she behaves this way then there are consequences

I dont recall reading about boundries in DR...when you say this (above) what are the consequences?

[trrose]

If anyone can provide clarity on above i would appreciate it

[Coach]

A boundary is when you won't accept certain behavior without consequences. If your kid breaks curfew then the consequence is he is grounded.
With your spouse (another adult) we don't have the authority to enforce our will on them. So out of respect and love we need to adhere to the boundaries we have in our relationship.
The consequences might range from telling your spouse they are out of line to I am filing for divorce. Boundaries are based on behavior that is unacceptable to you. Your feelings/gut are a starting point to what they are. Then you need to think thru the feelings to understand the why it is a boundary. Some things that upset me might not upset you.
Lot's of info on-line about boundaries.

[trrose]

Understood thanks