I am not new to DB but haven't posted before. I have found a lot of support from reading other posts and feel like I am now stuck and could use some advice. Husband and I have been M for 9 years, together for almost 15. Have one son 6. H has addiction issues and June 2008 found our he was having EA. He said it was just friendship and refused to end rel'sp. I asked him to move out. Over last year he has spiraled down with addiction, leaning on "her" for support. I have been actively trying to DB, working with a coach. Very hard for me because all I want is my family back. H has said he is just trying to get healthy that he wants family back, but actions aren't consistent with that. Have found lots of hurtfull things between the two of them. Gave her jewelry, had her drive him to treatment and Dr. appt's, the list is too long to go through. She is married and her H doesn't have an issue with it, he is friends with H. Tried to be friends with both of them "keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer". On New Years Eve went to a party at their house with H and she wore necklace and bracelet he gave her. That was it in terms of being friends. In April I filed for legal separation to protect self and son because H was drinking and driving and accumulating debt. This seemed to be a wake up call in some ways. H started helping with things around house, fixing car, making dinner, saying ILY. Still no effort to spend time alone or be physical. About a month ago he passed out at my house and his phone kept going off so I checked it and it was "her" and I saw all kinds of texts back and forth between them that were just totally crazy, disfuntional, crap. Jealous about the other person spending time with spouse. She was mad my picture was on mantel at his apartment. Crazy stuff, clearly not "just friends". I lost it and said I was done. For next few days, H text back and forth asking what he could do and he would do anything. Told him 1)get into treatment counseling 2)stop all contact with her 3)get tattoo removed (he got wasted one night and got a tattoo that had to do with her). He said OK. All indications were he was headed in that direction. His dad came to town and we spent a lot of time as family which was great. Our interaction was really positive. Actually had physical contact...initiated by me, but at least he responded. Then found out he took dad to their house to meet them. I am so hurt and done at this point and unsure what to do. He won't sign legal separation paperwork. Says he doesn't want it and doesn't agree to terms. I did get house in my name. I am full of hope to a fault and keep getting sucked in and then let down. He says there is no contact and going up there was a one time thing. Says I don't understand what it's like to give something up, and they have been a major part of his life and been through a lot together. I don't believe a word he says. Tattoo is still there, he is starting counseling with addiction counselor this week. I am confused and could really use some advice. Things were going well, but as soon as I "caught" him with contact, now he is all distant and I am so tired of it all.
My advice would be to stick to your guns. I think your conditions were perfectly reasonable, and if he's not ready to meet them, then good riddance for the time being.
Stand your ground. He seems to respond every time you do!
Thanks Puppy. I have been reading on here for a while and always value your input. It is hard to know when to let my guard down because he says he wants to work things out and a lot of his actions are consistent with that. I would never have guessed he was in contact with her by his actions. It was actually someone from her camp that notified me. I think they know the whole thing is sick and hoped I would do something so her husband would not have to deal with it. It's a mess. It is so great when we are getting along, gettting closer and then bam!!! 2X4 across the forehead something is revieled and I am picking up the pieces of my heart and he is back in his hole feeling like [censored]. My DB coach has said I need to stop bringing her up, but I'm not sure how you do that when you catch them in a lie. I know I need to just detach again and GAL. I am just so tired of the Roller coaster.
My DB coach has said I need to stop bringing her up, but I'm not sure how you do that when you catch them in a lie.
My take is a little different than most around here on this subject. I don't think you go "looking for trouble," as it were, and proactively bring up OW all the time. BUT . . . .
You DO unequivocally let the wayward spouse know immediately -- and a few times along the way -- that you in no way are willing to live in an open marriage.
and,
When they say something to you that you know for a FACT is a lie, I advise people to put their hand up in the "stop" position and say "STOP IT. We both know you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful to me and our marriage." (" . . . and our family" is also good, where appropriate).
No, you don't go around beating them over the head with their affair, but you DO call it what it is when it comes up, and you DON'T stand there and tolerate them lying to your face.
Just got a call from the lawyer asking what the status is. I was given final documents for the legal separation and then H said he wasn't signing. He first complained about support amount, then parenting plan, then said he just doesn't want it, "can't we work things out". I feel so torn because of course I want to work things out...that is what I have been working on for a year while he partied and hung out with "her". Now, I feel like I'm weak if I just let the legal separation go after I have put the time and money into it. I feel like their needs to be some kind of proof given to me that he is getting treatment and is not seeing "her". Not sure how to even start the conversation....ugghhh....why does this all have to be so hard. I know I should feel lucky to even have him saying he wants to work things out, but I also wonder if it's only cause she is not available.
Boundaries are a beautiful thing during this time of emotional chaos.
What do YOU need to feel secure in your marriage? Write it down. At this point focus on the top three.
Is he being a husband, watching out for your best interests, as you do for him?
Are you happy? Each individual is responsible for their own happiness, state of mind.
Read "Not Just Friends". It talks about how affairs unwittingly happen, when a member of the opposite sex becomes the emotional support for your spouse which weakens the marriage. Read it, read it, read it... it's great!
Their friendship, which her husband knows about is crossing boundaries. It's not about him and her. It's about you and him. How his actions make you feel. If you're busy reacting to what he does, you have no time to know what you need.
Set your boundaries. Do you want to proceed with a legal separation? What specific actions do you need to see from him.
With me, it boiled down to respect.
Your spouse responds to having his peepee whacked. Take a deep breath. Let go of the hairballs and goo. Focus on what is at your core. Go from there.
A legal separation puts everything on paper. Responsibility and accountability are laid out. Of course he wouldn't like it. Who wants to be told what to do when they've been able to do what they want?
Ya, I think the money is a part of it. But, I think it is also becoming all too clear to him that he is about to loose his family if he doesn't get it together. The reality is...you don't get to keep your house and all your money when you have choosen to betray your marriage and family. I also think he is finally taking note that other men look at me and find me attractive, and that he has messed up a good thing. Our interaction is always good as long as I don't bring up any issues or concerns. If he is making effort and I mention anything of concern he retreats into a cave and is like "I thought things were going so well" and then it takes several days for him to start interacting again. I get that, but at some point I have to be able to say things that are on my mind, or call him on his cr**. Doesn't mean I don't recognize the effort he is making... which I tell him.
Thank you Gypsy. Great perspective and advise. I do want respect and I wan't my feelings and my son's to come first. I don't particularly "want" a legal separation but I feel like I need to have it to have security because he drinks and drives and I could end up responsible for his debt if he were to go to jail. I will pick up the book. Reading DB and others has been such a help for me. And, I can always use the reminder to work on me. I seem to do really well with that until we start spending more time together and getting along, and then I just loose myself and it's all about him just like it was before. It's a daily practice!
