I understand completely...everyone says to move forward, but how do you do that when you love someone so much and just want to remain hopeful. I do think (from what I've read) that they will never be the same person we had and we have to decide if we want the new person. Do you?
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
When do we LBSs simply become dreamers, out of touch with reality
When you have expectations instead of Hope.
Originally Posted By: onceuponatime
If we truly love our spouse, will we be forced to live our life alone, without love and companionship of a man, or, consider ourselves failures?
The only person forcing is you. You get to choose whether you consider yourself a failure or not and you get to choose joy—with or without a man in your life. I'm not saying it is easy or that it is not lonely at times, but joy is a choice.
Originally Posted By: onceuponatime
Is this board just to help us out until we can accept failure or justify leaving? No one comes here for that. We come here in hopes that we will find a way that we can be with our spouses again.
If you think you are a failure, maybe you should adjust your measurement criteria.
You do not know that no one comes here to gain acceptance. Yes, the first motive of most in this community is marital reconciliation, but there are some who come in search of acceptance of what is happening without the notion that they can reconcile. Such people may find a bonus when they learn about DB'ing.
People come here in hopes, not with guarantees and to link expectation to hope is dangerous.
Originally Posted By: Golfgirl1
...everyone says to move forward, but how do you do that when you love someone so much and just want to remain hopeful.
It sounds to me as though you are misunderstanding what it means to move forward or move on. Those do not mean that you give up the Stand for your marriage. Standing isn't still. Standers can and should have full lives. There are many people in this world who are not in relationships whose lives are not on hold until some fantasy man or woman falls from the sky. Live your life while Standing.
Golfgirl1, well, now there's a problem, I cannot honestly say that I know who he is now. He seems to be a person who ignores me and my needs, and satisfy his own and those of OW. He also, has no idea who I've become. I think he'd like the changes, but, you never know. Pretty sure I'd be more jealous and suspicious, if he didn't walk the straight and narrow, not contacting OW. I know he can do it, cause he's doing it with me! Ya never know, some changes could be good. I'm a coffee drinker, he's hated coffee. Maybe he's learned to love coffee, so would make it for me in bed! Maybe, after living with the selfish OW, he'd appreciate the things I do for him more. (and I'd show more appreciation for him). I would certainly give it my all. Just before he left, in 2004, I told him I was afraid I couldn't hold on, and wouldn't still have enough strength to do the work we'd have to do, if he decided to come back. His comment: 'oh yes you will'. That worries me too. Will I have the strength, after this long of holding on.
I have found ways to fill my time. I have some nice friends. I have not found anyway to move on. There were folks on this board in the past, that claimed to have been able to move on. But, then a few months later, they realized they hadn't really. I'm not sure we ever do, unless we actually cut the ties, divorce and marry again. Even then, there will always be so many regrets that we'll have to live with. I'm not sure which path is more or less painful, moving on, or waiting. The only times I'm really at peace, is when I think there's hope he'll come back. It doesn't last long, before doubts set in. But, there are those times.
I don't mean to discourage you. As you've read, those 3 people really did come back within a few years. Much more hope for you than for me. Don't give up. And, you'll notice, most of them only joined the board a couple years ago. (except Imlin..(smaller denominator than everyone on the board). :-) Took me years on here to hear a current success story!
I see pain in each path...just a different kind of pain. Sigh...sure wish I had my marriage back, but you can't stop the MLC when it roars its ugly head. My husband is lost and his childhood was so bad I kinda think he's gonna be lost for a long, long time...
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
Sorry Stillnlove, I must have been typing on the thread when your post occurred. Need to ponder before I respond. I sort of agree, but disagree at the same time. Thanks for taking time to respond. Once
Stillnlove, all that I have to say is; I sure have missed you! I am so glad you are back around again! Please update me on your sitch. when you get a chance.
Stillnlove, all that I have to say is; I sure have missed you! I am so glad you are back around again! Please update me on your sitch. when you get a chance.
[color:#6600CC]Once, sorry for the brief hijack.
Braveheart,
I'm blushing. You are so Sweet. Though trying presupposes failure, I'm trying not to be back around. I regularly talk to Peacetoday and when she asks for comments I've usually emailed her, but a few weeks ago the responses on her thread needed inclusion, so I felt it would be better to post here. And I read bits and pieces.
As for my situation, I am so excited! I go home this Friday! I've been helping my Mom take care of my Grandma (she's 90) since Thanksgiving. I go home for a few days every other week, but that's not the same as being there. Sweetheart is excited, I'm excited and then a week after I get home we go on vacation.
Last year was pretty rocky. On the same day as I returned from my brief board vacation during the last weeks of February, I kicked him out after seeing him use a cell phone. Since he'd gotten rid of his cell phone the year before I knew it was only for OW contact. I began looking for transition apartments for him--he went directly to the OWs, as was his pattern.
Then a counselor of mine made a comment about why not let him move home and I regret I followed her implication of advice and did. He hadn't wanted to leave and thus wanted home immediately. He was out for 6-8 weeks maybe.
So he came home and my brother died soon after—Leukemia. He didn't get it. He came home one day and said I looked like someone had died—about two days after my brother had died! Oops, he'd forgotten. Okay, so he was my step brother and lived in Europe, so Sweetheart had only met him on a few occasions. But he'd been my brother since he was 8; I knew him.
He was in Monster for all of July—and maybe a milder Monster in June. But July was awful. Since I knew he was seeing the OW, and he was trying to get me to kick him out I determined that he needed to be a big boy and leave of his own accord. I kicked him out earlier because he'd been sneaking and not trying to leave. I told him that if he left (and really it was when, we both knew he'd go) that we could not live together for a full year, and he could not go from living with the OW to living with me.
Around the end of June his cell phone mysteriously disappeared and he escalated. Can you believe that he suspected me the disappearance. Well after that he used the home phone and I occasionally monitored the logs. He knew I was doing it and he only called her because he knew I'd see the logs. I knew this was his main motivation and shrugged it away—though, okay, this month was more difficult than most. He later admitted he was trying to bother me with his calls—and was later shocked at his behaviours. He taunted that month, trying to tease me about how he was going to take everything away from me—I'd be poor. He did this between trying to be flirty—which is something that Sweetheart is not—Monster is flirty.
Well he called a few days after leaving. He said a few different things. He knew it was a mistake on the way to the OWs and that he changed his mind three days later—more likely three minutes after leaving! No shock there, only expectation; he got to be pretty predictable regarding wanting to come home. Actually he left the week before leaving and called me in a panic at work. He'd moved and wanted to come home but since I'd said he couldn't come home for a year, what should he do. Um, I was at work and if he'd just come home and not told me, would I have even known: No. So why are you asking me? Man he has oral diarrhea.
When he left the OW's this time he moved to a friend's—this friend let him stay there a few years ago the first time he left her also. But when I came to my Mom's for Thanks giving, that morning Gram went unconscious and we called 911. I thought she was going to die right then. Weeks later (around New Year's) we learned she had a Urinary Track Infection and that was why she'd been weak for about 2 months. But it did seem clear that my Mom needed help, so I stayed. My Mom sometimes teaches classes far away and needs to stay overnight, so someone needed to be here with Gram.
It's been a blessing. Sweetheart could move home and we weren't living together. This also had a great advantage in that he got to do cathartic yard projects—he likes to do things with small tools and his hands. He had someone cut down a cherry tree and then he spent weeks digging out the stump by hand. It was a healthy obsession.
We were seeing a counselor on my visiting days, but we want to switch as we both agreed that she was ineffective and she wasn't local. That was recent, so I'm looking for someone new now.
And this Friday makes one year living apart. I did it! Though it's been harder the last few months.
Stillnlove, Honey, I truly wish I had your patience for dealing with things! Bless your heart! I truly hope that you can get things on track with your man. There is no need to offer my opinion on the matter, you already know what it is! LOL Anyway, do you think he will get himself lined out? As for me, I hate that people percieve that I am so negative, I just feel that I am realistic about things, maybe I shouldn't be, but life experiences makes us who we are and for me, I just couldn't justify to myself to stand and let someone treat me the way that my XW was doing. I do realize that many on here will stand, perhaps for the rest of thier lives. I can understand people standing if there is REASON to do so. I.E. progress being made and the like, but what I see on here often times is the MLC\WAS telling them over and over there is no chance and no change in behavior. I do agree with you in the sense that the LBS can improve chances with thier behavior, but in the end its the MLC\WAS who must make the choice to return. Unfortunately, I haven't seen many willing to do that, regardless of how well they have been treated by the LBS. In order for the MLC\WAS to return, they must admit they were wrong in what they did, and I swear, I just haven't met too many people who are willing to do that regardless of the situation. I think this applies in all aspects of life, not just this. Anyway, I am so glad you are back on the boards! I do love your insight, even though we don't always agree! As for the MWG situation, well some folks on here just can't separate personal from professional and that's why I was attacked so. No problem though, I am a big boy! LOL It does kinda make me laugh that many on here tag me as a villian and I have never done a thing to anyone except offer my opinion and advice, but at the same breath they are working thier butts off trying to get someone back who has done every evil thing imaginable. Strange... LOL
I don't feel as though you were attacked, I do have to say that I see a little different side to you now.
I apologize if it came off as an attack.
Don't be too quick to say none of them ever admit wrong, my ex took ownership of some pretty major stuff recently. Does that mean we're getting back together?? No, but she did admit wrong, and is starting to see the light and get help regardless.
So you can atleast add one more to the admitting wrong side of all this.
Trapt, LOL Again, I didn't say ALL won't admit wrong, I said MOST won't. I read your thread and saw where you had said your XW did admit to the things she did. I see that as a MAJOR step. I think with her doing that, you have a very reasonable chance to reconsile with your XW if you wish to go that route. As far as me being "attacked" LOL I am a big boy, don't worry about it!
Braveheart,
during the last weeks of February, I kicked him out after seeing him use a cell phone. Since he'd gotten rid of his cell phone the year before I knew it was only for OW contact. I began looking for transition apartments for him--he went directly to the OWs, as was his pattern.
Can you believe that he suspected me the disappearance. 
Well after that he used the home phone and I occasionally monitored the logs. He knew I was doing it and he only called her because he knew I'd see the logs. I knew this was his main motivation and shrugged it away—though, okay, this month was more difficult than most. He later admitted he was trying to bother me with his calls—and was later shocked at his behaviours. He taunted that month, trying to tease me about how he was going to take everything away from me—I'd be poor. He did this between trying to be flirty—which is something that Sweetheart is not—Monster is flirty.
