So I have been in tune with the DB boards for a long time, lurking, reading, learning, and at one point succeeding or so I thought. Yes I have read DB & DR, but need to again though.
So here's my story....it's a long one.
Met H as a girl in Germany. I would see him on base playing ball and that was it. Feb '01 we meet as adults at a reunion party. We fall head over heels for eachother.
Move in together for a year with my then 6 yr old daughter, things are great, then he isn't sure he wants to be a father. So I leave and move to TX. 2 wks after leaving he misses us and wants us back. Asks my father for my hand and me to marry him Feb.'04. We are planning a Oct.'04 wedding. I am ready to move to NC and then I start getting harassed by a female.
It all comes out that he had a sexual relationship with this female. I say forget the marriage. H begs, pleads for me to move forward. I go ahead and move to NC. Girl is still harassing us with threats, flowers, etc. Police are involved but she is relentless.
We marry and I feel good or so I thought. I love him but I don't trust him. He stays home most of the time, calls when he is late, says ILY and does all the right things, but I can't shake this thing. Girl is still harassing me by phone at work. Sex life is good, but not like it was. Hard for me to give myself fully because I was hurt.
Life seems to be going well. We buy a house, new car, vacations, etc. Daughter and him getting along quite well.
Fast Forward to 2nd PA. H begins to act distant after getting new job. Drops the D bomb one morning, I'm devastated. I beg, plead, cry, but H says he just doesn't want to be married. I start snooping and figure out he is seeing a woman at work. I confront, he admits, and then says he wants marriage. For 1 week we stayed home together and tried to work on it.
I find out, EA still going on, I tell him to leave. He gets fired because of relationship and moves 3 hrs away to his parents. House is put up for sale. Comes home to cut grass on wknds and of course attemps sex, I refuse. He is gone for 1 month, I am DB'ing, acting as if, and he wants to come home.He writes no contact letter, talks with my father and agrees to transparency.
H comes home June '08, brings heartfelt card, puts ring back on my finger, etc. We are trying. I am reading, DB'ing, going on dates together and it feels good. He's sending me notes, compliments and being loving. We are communicating better everyday.
April 09, the last time he says ILY to me, stops touching me except for sex. I call him on it and he says he is struggling with the relationship but nothing more, says he is going to try. I continue to feel the distance and say when the house sells we will need to make some big decisions.
Seems like a weight is lifted off his shoulders. Starts showing me affection again. I am concerned. Then H asks if we should consider seeing other people...this blew me away. I already feel there is someone else, so I snoop. Find out he's being extra friendly with a girl at new job on FB. I call him and tell him I'm done on June 26. I was mad.
He unfriends me on FB right away and says he's moving out Aug 1. Since this time he has still rubbed my feet, brought me lunch, invited me to friends get togethers, initiated sex, etc. I ask him to go to counseling, which he agrees. 1st session goes okay, we talk afterwards but he is still wanting D. We are still sleeping in the same bed.
Weds. was our 2nd appt. He states the hurt is too deep, he feels so guilty and can't get over it, so he needs to let me go. He wants a divorce and yes he is interested in someone else but has not done anything. Last night he apologized for hurting me and slept in our guest room. So here we are.
I'm a mess. Angry, disappointed but still love my H. H is a people pleaser so he is a very nice guy to me and everyone else. Has only told a few people that I know of. His parents know and they are very disappointed (M 30+yrs). He's packing. Already signed a lease. He still lets me know he will be late getting home, and calls me for random things.
I'm still acting as if, GALing, and crying when he is not around. I don't know what to do. I don't think he will come around again since we've been here before.
Whew...well that's all for now. Felt good to get it out. I would love anyone's thoughts on my sitch.
Me-30 H-34 D-14 (mine) M-4 yrs T-9 yrs PA-11/07-4/08 Separate 4/08, begin DB H wants marriage/back home 6/08 Wants Divorce 6/09 Possible EA currently Separating 8/1/09
Welcome... You will get loads of support and great advice here. You will also gather strength along the way. Sorry you find yourself here, but this is thee place to be while going through this (as I like to call it) nightmare. A nightmare that we didn't want to be a part of.
My thread is titled " Who Is This Stranger Living In My House" if you would like to see what I have been going through. I have been on this BB for about a month now, but a lurker for about a year. I don't have the advice or the wisdom yet that some of the veterans have. So, I will leave all that great advice for them.
Thanks for the kind words mlj. I look forward to the wisdom of many veterans.
Me-30 H-34 D-14 (mine) M-4 yrs T-9 yrs PA-11/07-4/08 Separate 4/08, begin DB H wants marriage/back home 6/08 Wants Divorce 6/09 Possible EA currently Separating 8/1/09
So husband, calls me while I am work today and proceeds to ask me how we will split the dishes, pots, pans, etc? He also informs me he is going to meet some of his friends, who just flew in from overseas, and hang out with them.
Oh and by the way, they will be coming over on Sunday to go swimming and hang out...just thought you should know.
HUH?
I just said "oh, okay".
I got all teary eyed at work so I called him back and asked him if he would refrain from from calling me at work to discuss division of property or anything related to the separation. He got pissy and was like " yeah, okay". I hung up.
Oohh he frustrates me.
Me-30 H-34 D-14 (mine) M-4 yrs T-9 yrs PA-11/07-4/08 Separate 4/08, begin DB H wants marriage/back home 6/08 Wants Divorce 6/09 Possible EA currently Separating 8/1/09
Sorry but he sounds like a real a$$. why is it the spouse that wants the marriage always gets dumped on.we should initiate a national pi$$ on them holiday.
sorry I if I affend anyone but you tell which end I'm on :-)
H 49 W 42 S 19 S 14 S 12 S 8 D 6 M 19 Bomb dropped 2/09 Separated 5/09 still hopeful, praying
What is it exactly that you want? Can you forgive him? Do you think you can trust him again? Or are you willing to really really see if you can trust him again? How will this impact your Daughter? When is he moving? Who is this other person? Is he still wearing his ring? How hard the hard ball game are you willing to play?
Most days i want my h, not the alien, back and some days I am just plain tired of all the junk he's put me through.
I truly believe in marriage and that he can do the right thing and one day he will.
I have already forgiven him for the past affair.
My daughter is very sad we are separating. This is another reason I am scared to continue to want this, because he does this not only to me, but to her. And what does it teach her about relationships?
He is moving out on Saturday, Aug. 1st.
As far as the OP, I just know that they work together and they have been chatting on FB, flirting.
He stopped wearing his ring already.
Today, I am willing to work hard to stand for my marriage.
How do i proceed thru the next week since he is moving and making all his plans. We talk briefly when he is home about TV or random things, but that's it. He is so darn friendly everytime we interact...it makes me nauseus (sp?).
I'm just so sad.
Me-30 H-34 D-14 (mine) M-4 yrs T-9 yrs PA-11/07-4/08 Separate 4/08, begin DB H wants marriage/back home 6/08 Wants Divorce 6/09 Possible EA currently Separating 8/1/09
Well then for now....stay your course. Save your marriage. My H moved out and he's home on the nights he has to be with our S, which is Mondays and Wednesdays plus, his weekends. He's here more than that and every weekend.
Just let him go for now since you can't stop him. Actually you can do what I did, which is nicely clean and pack all of his stuff so when he gets home he can just move. I also recommend not knowing where he's moving too. Also, if you have it in you, make him take your child to his new place when it's his night. If you can't I understand. Our S is only three and he's looking at it as fun and an adventure to be at "Daddy's Place."
