I'm really trying to maintain detachment from my W. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, depending on how I look at it, I am feeling much anger toward her again. My kids are so distraught every time they have to transition between us, and it's wearing on me. I hate her for what she took from all of us. I know, I know, hate and detachment aren't compatible... I'm working on it.
We had a mediation session yesterday, and for the first time, I made it clear to her she was on her own, and I wanted nothing to do with her. I told her I didn't want to see her or talk to her, and I wanted to arrange our custody so that we had absolutely minimal interaction. We both became angry, and things got a little ugly between us. We ended by me saying I wasn't going to pay for mediation anymore, and that if she wanted it, she could pay for it. Then I backpedaled and said I'd pay for half, but that she needed to pay for this session. She said she didn't have the money for it, and I said I didn't either. She stormed out of the room.
I'm a bit of an emotional wreck right now, as I'm just not used to having such a negative situation "hang in the air" like this. My impulse is to reach out to her to get things back on more positive ground, but I need to hold tough. A hallmark of our M has been that we'd have an argument, bad things would be said, she'd storm off, then I'd pursue and try to appease her and calm the situation down. She'd hold it over me, and dictate the terms for her to give me what I needed, which was to know everything was "ok". It really was very weak behavior on my part. It always left her in the position of power, she knows it, and it has to stop. So we're in an emotional game of "chicken" right now. Our poor kids are stuck in the middle of this train wreck of a situation. I feel so bad for them... :-(
The W did initiate contact yesterday, she sent me a one line e-mail saying she was preparing a new budget to discuss at mediation. Lawyers and court were brought up in anger at the end of our session, so I guess that was her signal to me that she wants to avoid that. So do I. I have gone seriously dark in an effort to stay detached.
Hi future, I was wondering how you were doing. I think that this could be a 180 for you, stopping your old behavior of smoothing things over when theres a fight.
Thats too bad how hard this all is, and so unfortunate for your kids to have to go through all of this. But I hope that they have seen how committed you were to your M, and someday they will understand and know how important it is to fight for your family. I hope that things get easier.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Wow, things just get more and more confusing for me. I saw my W Saturday to pick up the kids, and she was VERY angry at me. Had the kids ready for me, then coldly said "Okay, bye," then started walking to her car, as she was going to work out. Now, I'm trying not to fall into the same bad habit as before, but also wanted to somehow continue our discussion, so I just said "W, hold on." She stopped, I got the kids in the car and closed the doors. She stood and waited for me. She was acting all cold and angry, but she clearly wanted to talk. I made a point to not apologize, but rather to just tell her I wanted to continue to work with her, and that I know letting my anger get the best of me wasn't helping. I said I was feeling taken advantage of. She was sad and said "You sure made it clear I need to take of myself, and you're right, I do." I just stood and nodded my head. I said I was tired of all this, tired of missing the kids, tiring of worrying about them, tired of living in limbo, and that I just wanted to move on with my life. She softened and said "Why don't we just sit down and get this done." I said okay. The kids were getting ancy, so she said "We can talk more later, go enjoy your time with the kids." I left.
Now, later that day, I was making plans to take the kids to a baseball game on Sunday. I had come upon some free tickets, and I had an extra one, so I contemplated inviting my W. I went back and forth several times during the day on whether to or not. I finally decided to do it, just to see how she would react. I sent her a simple text message saying she was welcome to come with us if she wanted to. I assumed she would say no thanks, but she immediately texted back with a very happy and thankful acceptance of my offer. Later she e-mailed me and thanked me again, and said how much she was looking forward to going. This is the same day she was so cold and angry toward me!
So last night we went to the game with all the kids. I admit I purposely looked my absolute best, and even put on a hint of colonge. Picked up W and we were all happy and joking around. She made one quick comment about our mediation, and said she'd agree to most of my points. Then we went and just had fun. Our youngest daughter sat between us at the game and at one point grabbed each of our hands and pulled them into her lap on top of one another. We left them like that for a while until I pulled mine back. On the way home I said I needed to go the grocery store, so when we got back to W's place, she said she could get the kids cleaned up while I went to the store. When I got back I loaded up the kids to go back to my house. She turned to me and said she had a great time and we had a long tight hug.
The whole night was so fun, and I managed to not fall into a trap of reattaching much, but I'm left with the question of why isn't that enough for her? We do great together! How can she go and have such a great time, and not have it really mean anything? What's missing?
Maybe I got my answer. I just got a text message from my W that said she had a nice time last night, but that it messed with her head. For her to actually tell me that is amazing. I guess she's asking herself the same questions I'm asking. I think her armor has cracked.
I guess dropping the rope really does work! I'm not changing course though.
Good for you future, sounds like a really good time! I think that your right about not picking the rope back up. Now is not the time. Though, Im not very clear on when, or if you do pick it back up. If the idea is to pull them to you, I suppose that you dont pick it back up. Im kind of confused about that part, maybe this is when a phone coaching session would be good!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Hi there, I would ask myself the same thing after H and I had a great time together with our three year old S. Basically, I've learned the answer is this: They go out with us, have a blast....start to feel confused because they had so much fun....then they start to "remember" the bad stuff....and decide the one fun night you just had was a fluke and we're trying to confuse them. I've learned the best course of action is to keep on course, make sure the next interaction is just as relaxing....not necessarily as fun, but it has to be relaxing....then you have to be consistent so they know the changes are real.
You know, I think that you could take it as face value. Just that you had a great time, and thats great, excellent even, but be careful to not read more than that into it. And take what she says as face value. Shes feeling confused. Thats it, try not to mind read.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
That's exactly what I'm doing. Face value. No mind reading. I'm really okay with it. In the past I would've jumped all over this and probably reached out to her, trying to see what it means. Now I just let it sit. I haven't replied. For her to be confused 7 months into our separation, with her supposedly in love with OM, is interesting, to say the least. I'm still very ambivalent about whether I'd even want her back. Last night sure proved how well we get along though, and how much we enjoy each other's company.
W came to pick up kids this morning. She looked incredible. Why does she do this? I'm struggling to stay detached. We're going to meet Friday night to go over our separation plan. Another chance for us to be alone together. At this point I don't know if that's good or bad!
I'll be honest here. I'm flirting with the idea of pulling a surprise on her and making a plan for us to go do something fun instead of, or in addition to, the work we need to do Friday night. Is that a dumb idea? On the one hand, it's not exactly a detached, dropped rope kind of thing to do. On the other hand, it's a big 180 for me, as pulling surprises like that is exactly the kind of thing she so wanted me to do in our M, but I rarely did :-(
