back after 10 weeks of recovery and need some help

[Doingitright]

Really need some advice...family vacation ends today. Wife wants to tell the kids about us getting a divorce this week. Kids start school in 2 weeks. W starts school in 1 week. I don't think it is a good time to discuss. Not that there is any good time to discuss such.

I am struggling right now. It has been a great vacation with the kids. W mostly removed from the sitch, reading or on her blackberry. Kids noticing both and busting her chops. My D is not happy with her always being on her BB. She said we are on vacation on a beach why is she on her BB? Kids are perceptive. I was amazed at how many people are on their phones while on the beach. It actually makes me feel ill to be on my phone while on the beach. I try to keep my phone as far away as possible. I left it in the room almost the whole vacation. It felt so damn good to stuff it a drawer and forget about it everyday.

W has beeen so damn moody. One minute e are having fun and the next she is walking away. The while vaca was only one of us doing something with the kids. We couldn't both be in the ocean with them or both be making a castle. Told W I had a problem with her blowing off kids requests to shoot the bull with her new friend she made at beach. She acknowledged and appologized.

It was a great vacation if I was taking the kids on vacation by myself. W did the hokie pokie in particpating in anything. As soon as we started having fun she checked out. She took no pictures of me and the kids unless I asked. She took pictures of the kids and had kids take pictures of her with her phone so she could up load to FB. She did not do much with the kids except the day I had to travel for work. Everything else was kids self service or me doing it for them. This is becoming more of the norm lately. Since moved into the seperate room I have tended to the kids more. I think her depression is securely in place. She slept in every day for the last 3 weeks. Kids say she is in bed til 9 or later every day. I saw it on the weekends for the last few weeks and now first hand on vaca. Bed at 9 or 9:30 every night on vaca is unheard of for the last 5 years. No tv no nothing except her book and us banished to the bedroom since she is sleeping in the living room on vaca. Well enough blah blah.

[steady]

I don't know why there aren't more people chiming in on your thread. As I posted earlier I would put off telling the kids for now unless they are starting to ask a lot of questions. Is there a therapist or a psychologist you can consult with? Perhaps the two of you can make an appointment and go together to discuss it.

Your W's behavior is totally typical. I wouldn't be surprised if there was some mid life crisis mixed in with the whole thing. My family interactions have been a lot like yours with my W checking out while I am with the kids.

We had a very small disagreement the other day and she now took all of her jewelry and a bunch of clothes out of the master bedroom and moved them into her room. She also has set herself up in the second bathroom. Her disconnecting more and more has made it even more obvious to my kids that there is a problem. This action coming from someone who says they have the kids best interest at heart...lol.

I feel for you. Just keep detaching and keep the focus on you and not on her. By your posts, you are spending a lot of time looking at what she is doing. It's hard not to but you have take your energy and put it into you and your kids and not into her.

[Doingitright]

Steady thanks. Sorry to hear your sitch. I feel your pain. The disagreement thing and moving stuff out happened on the last day of vaca we had. She came back and brought all her bags up to the room and that was that. I am detaching more and more. The kids are having a hard time and all the plans just keep getting put on hold. I should say all the promises; getting a dog, going away for a weekend etc.

I am worried about W and her depression and how it is effecting the kids. Our old marriage counselor and my therapist both said I need to get her to see a therapist for her own good. They think she is bipolar or at least in severe depression.

She can’t think straight, no memory, can’t carry on a conversation with anyone, no energy, sleeps or naps quite often but not through the night, irritable with angry outbursts at the kids, consistent daily migraines, constant stomach aches and problems, stopped running and exercising (which she did daily) and she is drinking while on her SSRI meds.

These symptoms are all back again. I think the depression was there for about a year but she didn’t do anything about it. It has escalated since she decided to not continue our reconciliation and then doctor had her meds upped by 2X to try and level her off and prevent her “anxiety meltdowns”.

[steady]

... and she is drinking while on her SSRI meds.

These symptoms are all back again. I think the depression was there for about a year but she didn’t do anything about it. It has escalated since she decided to not continue our reconciliation and then doctor had her meds upped by 2X to try and level her off and prevent her “anxiety meltdowns”.

My W is taking an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medication and she has continued to drink on them. When we were in MC she was told numerous times she needs to stop drinking on the meds because they oppose the effects of the medication...she never stopped.

Alcohol is a depressent so it will continue to help your W along into more depressed states. You can pray for a bottom for her...

Again, her depression is her issue. It's her business and not yours unless she gets dangerous or asks you for help. Keep focus on you and the kids.

[Doingitright]

Steady. Thanks again. Yep it is her problem. It just effects the kids due to her lack of motivation.

So here is the not so detached guy venting...w went out and bought new sexy underwear when shopping for the kids back to school stuff. Pulls them out and puts them in the middle of the floor and goes about her business. That used to be our "thing". I won't go into the details. She just bought $100 worth about a month ago when we "were together".

Other thing was I found a new phone charger hidden under the mattress. It go to her virgin mobile phone she said she donated to the womens home. This was 2 months ago. So I believe that there is OM. I am so pissed right now. I found it two days ago and didn't say a word. That is the new me. Old me would have ripped into her and confronted her on it immediately.

I have IC today. It is starting to seem useless going. C doesn't have much to say or help me. I don't have much to say and try not to monopolize me time with W stuff that C or I can't control. Talk to you later litterally got to run.

[Doingitright]

So I have a new found appreciation for all thoughs on this board who have WAS having EA or PA. I am stumped on how the LBS can stay quite while the craziness surrounds them. I can barely contain my anger as my W acts as if nothing is wrong. Using her freinds to get out of the house to eventually meet up with OM. Using an extra phone she bought and said she ggave to a womans shelter when were began our reconciliation period. It was a corner stone that we were build our new marriage on.

But of course she never really did. Now she is playing the hide and seek game with the phone and charger. I am having a hard time not confronting on this. Keeping this to myself is a 180 for me.

The small goals I set for myself for m sitch have starting happening. W being more talkirive, carrying on simple short conversations, recieving hugs and simple pecks. Things seem lighter but I still feel the weight of W wanting it all to be good so it ends nice and neat and the fairytale divorce can then take place. My hat is off to all those on this board dealing with all this pain and anguish. God bless, protect and guide you all.

[steady]

How do you know she is playing hide and seek with the phone? Have you seen the phone she supposedly gave to the shelter? Where is the bill coming to?

Do you have absolute proof there is an OM?

[Doingitright]

Steady..Sorry for this long windedness….One day it was under her mattress when I was fixing the bed after the kids trashed it...wire was hanging out. Another day it was in one of her drawers when I was putting away the clothes I folded. It was a charger to a Virgin mobile pay as you go phone that was supposed to have been given away. The charger stayed in a drawer for about 2 months after she “gave it away”. It now has been moving around since her move to the extra bedroom.

On the OM it is based on what I saw in her behaviors during the EA. On vacation recently she was constantly making excuses to go back to the room by herself or get there before the rest of the family. This was the case during the EA, always having to go where no one in the family was present.

When home W does the same thing...goes to other rooms and then reappears. Shuts all the doors to her room and locks them at night. Never done this before and no else was allowed to sleep with the doors closed. Does not allow the kids in her room . Freaks out when I go upstairs for any reason. Wants to get whatever I need for me instead of me getting it.

she goes out with friends and always drives. She then comes home very late according to her telling me what time she got home. She volunteers the next day as I do not wait up. But her friends mention they got home at X time which is different from my W’s time. This was her MO that she admitted to when we discussed the EA. She would leave friends houses or functions early and chat with the OM for about an hour before coming home. That EA was long distance.

But now I think it is a local OM. Her actions fit right into PA. She has been dropping the kids at friends houses saying she had to run errands and then comes home with nothing to show for the errand. She is very emotional before she goes out. She panics if everything isn’t going on time. She does not do that with anything else. W “if we are late it is OK they can wait for us”. When the plans she tells me do not come to happen she still jambs the plans through…friend A can’t make it and friend B can’t leave for 2 more hours which would make it a very late night…still jambs it in. The friend stories don’t jive with W’s…they always talk about their night out and how the husbands should do the same, when I come to get the kids from a play date or go to function. I never ask it is always volunteered.

She always does a disappearing act before she leaves in which she is calling OM (theory) to make arrangements for him to meet. W if always overly nice to me before she goes out. She is always dressed to the 9’s (overly sexy ..super short skirt and plunged neckline blouse when friends are in tee shirts and shorts and jeans) even if they are going out for a few appetizers for 2 hours. She always buys sexy new underwear or skirt or blouse prior to going out and wears them. Always has an excuse why she did not tell me when she first learned of the possibility of an outing…case last night made arrangements on Monday with other girls but told me yesterday at 4 PM. Just forgot to tell me, slipped her mind. Always that way. I hate to the theorist but it is pointing that way.

W made a comment when we were going to MC that she did not have to travel to X state to have sex with EA she had plenty of people in our town that wanted to have sex with her. She also said I deserved someone better than her and broke down crying. Prior to that W admitted to an PA before we got together with her married boss. 1st I heard of it in the 17 years I have known my wife. If I had known, I truly wouldn’t have gone out with her. Just not something I tolerate or approve of and I saw that with my parents and how it destroyed their marriage.

I am getting sick of carrying her financially.. period. It is getting more so especially when it is for OM benefit. When I mention the finances she has an anxiety attack or says I am being controlling. Just pisses me off. On the other side of this it does make it easier to detach. This is what brought it to a head last time. I just hit my limit of bull$hit and said I am done. OM in EA can take care of you. If I think too much I would say that is what she wants in this case…to push me to throw down so I am the bad guy b/c she can’t pull the trigger. I pulled the trigger 4 months ago and she stopped me and said we need to get help and went to MC. EA stopped or so I was led to believe and things got so much better. She then pulled back all of a sudden from MC and said R isn’t worth it. It would be a mediocre marriage at best in the future (those crystal balls seem to work pretty good for WAW, if only it could see the stock market in the furture). This time the D train won’t be stopping it will make it to the intended destination.

It is too bad as I actually think I have seen glimmers, calling and emailing me as I stopped calling and emailing W. Starting conversations and actually talking to me. Bringing me into the loop with what was happening with a few of our friends. Hadn’t happened in weeks. W said she wouldn’t share those things with me anymore as it would give me false hope that we could make this work out. Carrying on with small talk when we usually sat there in silence. Asking how I am doing. Giving hugs with kisses. I have been trying not to read into it. It is what it is…simple little things that a normal person would expect from another normal person in a basic friendship.

[steady]

Ok. Sorry it's been so long. I'm going through my bit of crap here so I don't get here as much as I usually like to.

I'm with you on the affair stuff. I'm in the group of calling them out on it when you have proof. I don't like living in a lie so that's my take on it.

I'd call her out on the phone. If you have reason to be in her room and it's not just outright snooping (I'm not against snooping but she'll totally use it against you) then you can say you keep finding the charger etc.. The problem with calling her on it is she might get even sneakier at trying to hide it.

It really all depends on how you feel and what you want. Guilt will push a cheater to start acting nice and friendly. But there's no guarantee that's what is happening, but I have to say a lot of those signs are pointing in that direction.

I wonder why you aren't getting more visits to your thread. I may have to yell at a few people here...

Go look up Puppy Dog Tails and see if you can get his attention for a visit over here. He gives great advice, and is in the confront them when you catch them mindset.

[Doingitright]

Steady. Thanks. My sitch looks like it is done. W keeps making a home for herself in the e tra bedroom. It is like she is moving out of an apartment when she was in her 20's...leaving crap behind she doesn't want. Taking furniture and cleaning where it was. Cleaning out cabinets and leaving them dirty. Everything in the house is in disarray. All the things she should be doing as a stay at home mom are not happening. I am looking at this as W gets all the benefits of living at home with little responsibilty and very little work except taking care of herself and her things. And zero$ contribution to the family. I am so over this crap. I want to move to all of us to Vegas wiat the 30 days and get a divorce and be done.