Long time no speak again - but if ok with everyone I will keep posting from time to time. If it helps someone else that's great, if not - it certainly helps me to get it off my chest.
As of now we are moving closer and closer to D. I will be D'd by Labor Day. It's still such a hard thing to fathom, that life took me in this direction and the woman I gave my heart and soul to, made this decision. But I have been busy moving forward. I am an extremely busy, single Dad of three. Coach, cook, launder, housecleaner, bed tuckerinner, dog whisperer, landscaper, driver, Etc...btw - did I mention I have a full time job? I'm wearing many, many hats. At times it seems overwhelming. But my bond with the boys is now impenetrable. We do so much together. It really is very fulfilling, and yes at times very tiring, but in a good way. I'm pretty happy, but do feel there is a void in my life. I do miss my "old" W - not the STBX who lost her way.
Yesterday was her deposition. It was surreal. I sat there and watched her cycle in and out of personas. At times it was very, very sad. We don't talk at all any more - just text about schedules - so there is an uncomfortability when we are in each other's presence, which doesn't happen often.
My lawyer grilled her yesterday. Here's the thing. She smiled at me with her old, sweet face at least three times when recalling some of the early times in our M. She also appeared to get choked up 2 or 3x. But then she would cycle to the new obnoxious person. Really bizarre. She had nothing but great things to say about me as H and a Dad. So that made me pretty sad. The day went very well for me as her testimony only confirmed everything our side has been pushing for. It went so well they pushed my deposition back to mid-August as they think we can settle before then.
She also confirmed that she is living in the neighbor's parent's house. It was quite the shock. Her parent's called me last night and were devastated at that news. Her family has really been terrific to me. They feel as if they have lost a daughter and they are very grateful that I have continued the R with them and give them free access to the boys. They said they would like me to continue seeing them and that everyone in their family misses me. Her mom cries every time she talks to me.
Here's another thing. S15 found a box of my old stuff in my Dad's house yesterday. In it was about 20 love letters from my old W to me. It was brutal - he was balling allnight - and quite honestly it hit me pretty hard also. We talked for a long time last night. He basically said that he knows me and that he knows mom crossed the lines of being in a M, but he asked me to keep the door ajar (that's something I tell him about his R with his mom). His theory was that something is very wrong with her and that he thinks she is eventually going to seek help. And if she seeks help and I knew something was wrong with her during this time that maybe I could get past some of the behavior. Needless to say it was a very emotional night.
After I put him to bed, I read every one of the letters. Most of them were 4 or 5 pages long. I didn't even remember that I kept them. It was brutal. I slept maybe 15 minutes. It's the most emotion that has ever hit me. I loved this woman for 24 years. It's clear that she loved me also - claimed it was eternal. Now she doesn't - now she has changed. Yet she looked at me three times yesterday like it was 10 years ago.
I am going to take some time to think about things. Maybe S15 is right. Maybe if I knew the reason why this has gone down, then maybe I could forgive. I don't know - I don't feel that way right now. But leaving the door ajar...that's my line. And he threw it back at me. Bworl once said to me that you would walk through a fire to save your family. Maybe this is a form of fire. I don't know. I'm thinking about it. I'm not counting on anything. The thought of her with another man has made me sick to my stomach. I started seeing a wonderful woman about 2 weeks ago. We had instant chemistry. She has 3 sons, similar ages to my boys. She's a breath of fresh air. And drop dead gorgeous. And a lot of fun. Whatever I do, I'm going to take things slow. Try to make sure any feelings I have are real and not reactionary.
I also realize that I have to think before I act on anything, and understand all the ramifications. I don't fully understand where I am or how I got here, but I know am the rock for my 3 kids. They come first. Always will. I think I'm going to just take one day at a time and see where my emotions take me. I once claimed unconditional love, yet I feel like I have fallen out of it. But then I see some images of my old W and it gets me thinking. Everyone thinks she is going to eventually crash and burn. Her lawyer said that to me off the record yesterday. Everyone who knows her says that. She has really been out of my life for 6 months now. Hard to believe that these thoughts even enter my mind. Maybe I'm changing and seeing things differently. Forgiveness isn't supposed to be easy I guess. You either commit yourself to it or you don't. I guess I'm still learning things about myself that I didn't know exist.
There's been more to tell including taunts from the neighbor and stuff like that. But in the big picture, who cares? Strength and Honor keep me above that. I will keep passing that torch to the boys.
Thanks for listening. I hope everyone is well. Keep on DBing. And remember its purpose. You may surprise yourself. I never thought I could write what I wrote a few paragraphs up.
Keep the door ajar...even when it doesn't make sense.
Strength and Honor.
Mules
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Here's another thing. S15 found a box of my old stuff in my Dad's house yesterday. In it was about 20 love letters from my old W to me. It was brutal - he was balling allnight - and quite honestly it hit me pretty hard also. We talked for a long time last night. He basically said that he knows me and that he knows mom crossed the lines of being in a M, but he asked me to keep the door ajar (that's something I tell him about his R with his mom). His theory was that something is very wrong with her and that he thinks she is eventually going to seek help. And if she seeks help and I knew something was wrong with her during this time that maybe I could get past some of the behavior. Needless to say it was a very emotional night.
After I put him to bed, I read every one of the letters. Most of them were 4 or 5 pages long. I didn't even remember that I kept them. It was brutal. I slept maybe 15 minutes. It's the most emotion that has ever hit me. I loved this woman for 24 years. It's clear that she loved me also - claimed it was eternal. Now she doesn't - now she has changed. Yet she looked at me three times yesterday like it was 10 years ago.
That is heart wrenching. I'll keep praying for you brother. Strength and Honor.
Cheers
ps We need to come up with a drink called the "Strength and Honor." What would go in it? (Sorry had to lighten the mood.)
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Here's another thing. S15 found a box of my old stuff in my Dad's house yesterday. In it was about 20 love letters from my old W to me. It was brutal - he was balling allnight - and quite honestly it hit me pretty hard also. We talked for a long time last night. He basically said that he knows me and that he knows mom crossed the lines of being in a M, but he asked me to keep the door ajar (that's something I tell him about his R with his mom). His theory was that something is very wrong with her and that he thinks she is eventually going to seek help. And if she seeks help and I knew something was wrong with her during this time that maybe I could get past some of the behavior. Needless to say it was a very emotional night.
After I put him to bed, I read every one of the letters. Most of them were 4 or 5 pages long. I didn't even remember that I kept them. It was brutal. I slept maybe 15 minutes. It's the most emotion that has ever hit me. I loved this woman for 24 years. It's clear that she loved me also - claimed it was eternal. Now she doesn't - now she has changed. Yet she looked at me three times yesterday like it was 10 years ago.
That is heart wrenching. I'll keep praying for you brother. Strength and Honor.
Cheers
ps We need to come up with a drink called the "Strength and Honor." What would go in it? (Sorry had to lighten the mood.)
Mules,
Great post.
Coach pulled the same two paragraphs that made my eyes water.
Smart boy... but, the clock ticks on, you can't wait indefinitely for something that may or may not ever happen even if your son is right...
Even if that door were ajar, you have to live your life...
I'm so happy to hear that you are their Rock.
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Hi Mule, I know how you feel about those letters.I found some my waw had in my attic.They were actually journel entries she had written to herself when we first met.It killed me reading those letters and seeing the person she is now.No emotions.Anyway stay strong and take care.
I think I read on one of your old posts about your son(s) ahem, relieving themselves in your neighbor's boots in his garage? I LMAO when I read that.
Strength and Honr, but that had to make you laugh and smile inside.
GIMA - Thanks for that. It definitely did make me smile. I really appreciated when they did it and had a very tough time keeping a straight face to tell them why it was wrong.
I do laugh everytime I see those boots.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
