Are Affairs Ever an Option?

[Bagheera]

In order to avoid hijacking TeaEarlGreyHot's thread, I've opted to reply to ssmguy's remarks in a separate thread. He wrote:

Tea, I'm in a very similar situation. The difference is that when my wife wanted to stop having sex, I told her I took that as meaning I can have sex with other women, because being a nonsexual person is NOT an option for me. I suggested we could divorce, but she didn't want to. So I let it be her choice, with the consequences spelled out beforehand. And my choice is also to stay in the marriage because we have many positive other aspects to our marriage.

So far the positives have outweighed the negatives, but I'm not entirely happy with the limitations of friends with benefits. I miss having the old-fashioned kind of romantic sex within a marriage, in our bedroom, in my own home, with the mother of my children, not to mention the security, safety, convenience and social acceptance of the traditional arrangement. I miss the integrated feelings of love and sex all being facets of the same thing, or so it seemed long ago when that was my love life. I envy couples where they seem to have all the sex they want within their own relationship. I've lost the perspective of what that's like.

But then what do you do if both partners prefer to stay together for other reasons? Get a divorce but continue being friends? Does a little paperwork alone "solve" the problem?

This is a situation where every option is unacceptable, but you have to choose one of them. I'm guessing that a lot of marriages are in this situation, but most people don't post about their personal situations in online forums. I suspect that in a great many of these marriages, the HD partner has quietly found other outlets for his/her sexual expression, and those "solutions" go on for many years. In these marriages I doubt the LD spouse spends much effort, if any, to snoop on their partners's extramarital activites. In many cases, they don't care to know, because, in a sense, they've already decided that sex isn't important.

In my strong view, having affairs or setting up an 'open' relationship as a so-called "solution" to a sex-starved marriage situation is both extremely misguided and incredibly damaging to your long-term relationship with your spouse.

(1) Affairs are POISONOUS to your marriage.

If you doubt this, go read through the ever-growing number of heartbreaking stories over on the Infidelity forum and the Newcomer's forum (where infidelity is involved). Affairs *always* lead to lying, deceit, dishonesty, covering-up, and secrecy. As such, affairs destroy trust, connection, and friendship with your spouse. And affairs ALWAYS cause a great deal of pain for the left-behind spouse, whether they admit it to you or not -- it's a stab in the heart when your mate goes wandering and effectively declares "You aren't enough for me...I'm looking elsewhere."

And if the person you are having an affair with is *also* married, then the damage done is DOUBLE.

(2) Affairs are a LAZY "solution" to an SSM.

Recovering from an SSM situation is hard work. It requires researching, going to counseling, and making significant changes to yourself. As I've outlined before, the process begins with improving yourself -- making *yourself* healthier and happier and therefore more sexually attractive to your spouse. Next you have to do the research necessary to figure out all the ways in which you were *not* meeting your spouse's needs and relationship desires, and then begin DOING SO -- *you* have to make the first moves. Only when the above steps are in progress can effectively you move on toward bringing your spouse on board and begin working *together* to solve the remaining issues.

By having affairs, you are essentially declaring that you aren't willing to do the hard work necessary to solve your situation, and have instead opted for a short-term "quick fix," that only makes the situation far worse, not better.

(3) Affairs are an indulgence in fantasy, not reality.

Affairs are generally based upon two things: (1) the sexually-charged, brain-chemical "high" or "rush" involved in the infatuation-stage of a brand-new relationship, and (2) your affair partner has *none* of the baggage associated with a real long-term relationship, such that you can mentally imagine them to be whatever you want them to be. The covert nature of an affair also adds its own level of excitement and a "sampling of the forbidden" to the mix. At some point, however, the house-of-cards comes crashing down, especially when one or the other affair partner is discovered by their spouse, and the affair is no longer "free," but begins to come with *real consequences.* Once the "real world" begins to encroach on the fantasy, the affair usually unravels.

(4) Affairs damage your own integrity.

I am no saint, but I do value my own honor and integrity. I was in an SSM for 20+ years, and although I was tempted on multiple occasions, I always pulled back from the brink and successfully avoided any affairs. I simply had too much respect for myself, and too much respect for my wife to engage in such an act while I was still married, as frustrating as that marriage was. When I reached the point that I was no longer willing to continue in the marriage as it was, I sought to make changes and improve it. If these changes failed and the old situation contiued, I was willing to divorce my wife and *only then* seek another relationship -- to me, that is the only honorable way to go. I'm not trying to preach here or set myself up as some noble idealist: I'm simply saying that engaging in affairs damages YOU --> your honor, your integrity, and sense of your own manhood. Doing the "right thing," honoring your vows and your word, remaining honest with yourself and your spouse, are a far better way to go, and allow you to take pride in your actions afterwards.

-- Bagheera

[dug_in]

Lets just say for arguments sake, that ssmguy's wife was paralized from the neck down and was not able to have sex anymore. Would this approach apply as well? I just don't see how that jives with the whole premise of marraige "For Better or Worse", right?

[Bagheera]

Lets just say for arguments sake, that ssmguy's wife was paralized from the neck down and was not able to have sex anymore. Would this approach apply as well? I just don't see how that jives with the whole premise of marraige "For Better or Worse", right?

One can always come up with hypothetical ethical dilemmas that throw a monkey-wrench into any generic approach. Personally, I don't think that leaving your wife in that situation would be the honorable thing to do. *NOR* do I think that having affairs to make up for the lack of sex would be the honorable thing to do. How exactly you handle such a situation properly would be entirely dependant upon her, upon you, the situation, and your own individual personalities and history together.

-- B.

[Cinco]

(1) Affairs are POISONOUS to your marriage.

Absolutely. W and I are now finally going through therapy to repair our M. The very first session, W's lack of trust for me came up. I can already see that the majority of our work will be for us to rebuild this trust... Even so, I am sure there will always be lingering doubts in her mind no matter how much we can repair the trust.

(2) Affairs are a LAZY "solution" to an SSM.

Yes, laziness and folly. Confronting the problems would have taken so much work and the result would have been so much better and worth it at the time. Our youth was wasted by my immaturity and laziness. Now all I can do is look back and only imagine what my life would have been like had I not been such a fool.

My laziness has just made it that much more difficult to get what I truly wanted all along - a wonderful marriage - how can it be wonderful now? It is permanently damaged. It may be patched up now but never truly blissful again.

(3) Affairs are an indulgence in fantasy, not reality.

Agreed. It was like riding a high. There was no real way it could ever last. By living in that fantasy world I ignored important things in my life. My wife suffered loneliness from an absent husband, my daughter missed out on a loving father because I wasn't there for her completely.

It was all so empty. My soul was damaged and surrounded by fanciful thoughts without substance. My sadness and loneliness are what finally drove me out of that fantasy world. How could I feel anything at all if I had checked out of my senses? I didn't feel, I just existed.

(4) Affairs damage your own integrity.

This is the worst part for me. I became a person I didn't even like anymore... It wasn't even me. So much of my life/potential was wasted... and for what? I had never cheated before in my whole life and then I sold my integrity when "I thought" I had no other choice in my marriage.

However there is a choice. Work as hard as you can on your marriage, put in the work. I actually learned this from W, she has never given up on our love or me. It was me that gave up so easily. I am so ashamed that it took this long for me to learn that a way can be found... If you work hard and have hope. Giving up hope leads to a possible affair and then to 1, 2, 3 and 4 above. Take it from me, you do not want to go through 1-2-3-4 it's NOT fun.

Don't give up or you won't get to the point I am now. I have been given a second chance to find love again in my marriage and I am so grateful. My wife can see how happy I am and I see how happy she is that we are finding our way back to each other. It will be hard and I know there is a rough road ahead.

Thanks to many people here I have grown just enough to face this now.

Cinco

[Esox]

If you believe that marriage is a sacrament, if you do not believe in divorce, and if you have a spouse that just refuses to have sex with you, then all your options seem bad. You could:

1. Stay married and live miserably as an asexual person. You retain your integrity, but you live a life of pain and rejection.

2. Stay married and find someone to have sex with even though it violates the marriage. You lose your integrity, but you get to live a a sexual being.

I would divorce in the above situation. I have a friend that is living this life. He is Catholic and just won't leave his wife. He is currently living in my example 1. and he is miserable. Completely. It is very sad to watch.

[ssmguy]

I understand all about the hard work of recovering from an SSM. I did all the recommended hard work and it didn't work. That's my point.

I agree with what you all say about an affair and its elements of secrecy, fantasy, indulgence, etc., because an affair usually involves deep emotions and feelings of owning someone and conflicting jealousies, etc. But a lot of that doesn't apply to the right kind of friend-with-benefits situation.

As for honor and integrity, I don't find that a convincing argument. Where's the honor and integrity of splitting up your family just so dad can have sex a few hours a week?

Still, I would like to get my marriage back to where I have sex in it, not outside of it. But that's just not in the cards. So I'm doing the best I can.

[poet]

Hello everyone,

It has been a very long time since I've visited this forum. Far be it for me to admit that I made a big mistake when I stopped coming here, but I do know the reason I did. The reason was because Baggie (my SSM guru) so hit my nail on its head, very quickly after I joined DB. At that time, a little over a year ago, I was too raw to see the truth in my SSM.

I did question, at that time, whether it was me or my H who was the SS one. I know now that it was I who was and it was he who was not. My H, God bless him, went outside the marriage long before I ever suspected it. And, Baggie is so absolutely right when he says that it is excruciatingly painful to the LBS. Please, take it from me as one who has lived this nightmare for over a year.

I did not read all of this thread. I read up to Baggie's long post. And some of you may not agree with him, but I do. I realize now that it is all a matter of perspective. My H is not having just one "affair." In fact, he may not be having an affair at all if you call "paying" for it something other than an affair. I have been making excuses for him all this time. But I recently discovered -- beyond a shadow of a doubt -- that he has truly gone to the dark side. And yet, I still love him. So, what does that make me? Stupid? Ignorant? Desperate? Or just plain pathetic? Maybe all of the above.

I can vouch for one thing though ... when Baggis says

(1) Affairs are POISONOUS to your marriage.

If you doubt this, go read through the ever-growing number of heartbreaking stories over on the Infidelity forum and the Newcomer's forum (where infidelity is involved). Affairs *always* lead to lying, deceit, dishonesty, covering-up, and secrecy. As such, affairs destroy trust, connection, and friendship with your spouse. And affairs ALWAYS cause a great deal of pain for the left-behind spouse, whether they admit it to you or not -- it's a stab in the heart when your mate goes wandering and effectively declares "You aren't enough for me...I'm looking elsewhere."

Take it from me. I am living proof.

I believe, if you asked my H about Baggy's points (2) and (4) he would deny it. My H's perspective is more along the lines that an affair is an option, and even further, that so is a divorce. And, I suppose if I were to be fair about it, I would say, he's entitled to his opinion and may even get what he is asking for because in Florida, where we live, it's a no-fault state.

But # (3) well, that's a different story.

(3) Affairs are an indulgence in fantasy, not reality.

Affairs are generally based upon two things: (1) the sexually-charged, brain-chemical "high" or "rush" involved in the infatuation-stage of a brand-new relationship, and (2) your affair partner has *none* of the baggage associated with a real long-term relationship, such that you can mentally imagine them to be whatever you want them to be. The covert nature of an affair also adds its own level of excitement and a "sampling of the forbidden" to the mix. At some point, however, the house-of-cards comes crashing down, especially when one or the other affair partner is discovered by their spouse, and the affair is no longer "free," but begins to come with *real consequences.* Once the "real world" begins to encroach on the fantasy, the affair usually unravels.

Although I can't prove it, I can almost promise you that my H is not a happy man. His "love interest" a girl 30 years younger than him, has already told him she will never marry him or live with him, or have his children. And he is not a happy camper. He still pays to see her, but he is now searching elsewhere to fill that hole.

I, on the other hand, lie in wait for him to file for divorce, which he keeps threatening to do but has not yet. And, he refuses to see me, and he hurts me with disrespect, or anger, or malice almost every single time we talk.

I also sit and wait for the inevitable to happen. As Baggie says, "At some point, however, the house-of-cards comes crashing down ..." and I believe him.

My H is not the man I married. I had my own issues, yes. But they were certainly issues we could have WORKED on had he been willing. But he was not.

Baggie laid it out on the table for me a year ago. If you ask him about it, he might be willing to explain, but I can tell you this. I sat at my computer and sobbed because I knew it was the truth. I may never fully recover from that stark reality, but that is my cross to bear.

Have a grace-filled night.

Peace,
poet

[bluerain]

quote=ssmguy] In many cases, they don't care to know, because, in a sense, they've already decided that sex isn't important.[/quote]

I dont think that its fair to say this, it seems like an overgeneralization to justify your point ssmguy. My H decided that I didnt love him anymore, and I wouldnt mind that he had an A. Which was absolutely not true. It broke my heart and had a HUGE negative impact on my life. As I believe A's ALWAYS do. Everyone involved gets hurt. There are ways to change your life.

I think that before a HD spouse throws themselves into their "solutions" to the problem, they need to carefully, and honestly examine why their LD spouse has become LD. There were several reasons that my M became SS. And NONE of them justified an A!

If its worth staying M, its worth repairing your relationship.

[ssmguy]

Bluerain, my point is that I have already tried to examine why my wife became LD. We've been to marriage counseling and sex therapy together, she's had her hormones checked, we've been together on many nice vacations, etc. But after all that, she still has zero interest in sex.

Basically, she would rather that I quietly take care of my needs without her, as long as it doesn't disrupt our lives.

Bluerain, was it the case that you knew your H was HD? And if you were not having sex with him, just what did you think he'd do? In my case, I told my wife long ago that I wouldn't sit still for an SSM. And I've brought up the topic many times. If you were in my wife's shoes at this point, how could you possibly not get it? How could you possibly be surprised at the outcome?

I've never heard a woman say, "Thank goodness he asked me for a divorce because of the lack of sex before he went out and had sex with someone else." Would you have been any less devastated if he'd simply filed for divorce first?

This brings to mind the phenomenon I've seen in several other marriages, where the spouse seems incapable of grasping the situation until they're literally hit on the head with an affair. I had a friend whose wife had shut him off. He threatened to have an affair, but she thought he was bluffing. Nothing changed for several years until he actually went out and had an affair. Apparently, that's the wake-up call she needed, and they are now back together.

Bluerain, can you truthfully say that if your husband had not had an affair, but told you that he was considering it, would have you have taken him seriously? Or would you have dismissed it as just more of the same complaining he was already doing about the lack of sex in your marriage?

[bluerain]

Hes in the military, and started his A when he was away. I had purchased R books, that he wouldnt read with me. And during this particular trip away I decided that enough was enough, things needed to change. He came home, said we need to talk. His bomb was just bigger than mine.

I am still not swayed one bit that having sex outside the M is a good idea. You dont think that eventually you will yearn for the intimacy that is more than a friends with benefits?