Is it OK not do thngs alltogethe w our children?

[jacksonbrown]

Here's my question: How should I feel or respond if she only wants to do things with our children by herself or with her friends/sister? Should I protest or is this too part of being an unconditional friend and giving her all the space she needs?
BACKGROUND INFO:
My wife who asked for a divorce 2 weeks ago, but agreed to a 3 month separation after 17 years of marriage and 2 daughters (6 and 9). My wife isn't dealing with her issues right now, but wants to date. She is definitely in midlife crises at age 48 and I've been monitoring that forum too. So I have to move on with my life and take care of myself while being there for her, but I can see right now she is trying to keep from dealing with her issues and has only agreed to see our marriage therapist to "talk about how to work with our children," even though she verbalizes that she needs to work on her issues before she can be in any kind of healthy relationship with me or anyone else. In her mind she's already moved on and doesn't give our marriage more than a .1% chance of survival. She's actually re-writing history in her mind and writing out all the good things we had together while focusing only on the bad things. She says she wants to be friends and we will continue to meet once a week and talk about children, bills, etc. I'm giving her all the space and not pushing even though it hurts, I know she needs to do her own thing and explore and experiment without me. I'm praying that the next 3 months she agreed to therapist 2 sessions alone for her and 2 sessions alone for me and then 1 session together will begin to result in her seeing she needs to work on her issues too. I've been working hard on my issues and she wrote me a response letter to the one I wrote this week telling her about my goals and the positive changes I'm going to make regardless of what happens to our marriage. She says she is so proud of me (that's a start), but she also doesn't see herself in the picture with me.

Here's my question: How should I feel or respond if she only wants to do things with our children by herself or with her friends/sister? Should I protest or is this too part of being an unconditional friend and giving her all the space she needs?

[john210]

James,

There is no road map that will work for everyone nor are there any guarantees. I have been at this for a while and have read many "stories". The ideas that I have are based on my experiences and are maybe even skewed. However, without knowing too much about your situation, I will try to give you my route through what will undoubtedly be very difficult times for you. I hope this does not sound too cliche...
The first thing you should realize is that regardless of what you do or do not do, this "process" (regardless of the final outcome) will take a while. Longer than you imagine. When I was in your shoes, I though that everything I did or anything WAS said had immediate meaning....well it does not....this is a marathon not a sprint. Please remember that...it is very difficult to believe and I did not believe it nbecasue my situation was different. Well as it turns out, the patterns are strikingly similar across these boards. The second most important thing to realize is that you can only really control yourself. Therefore, concentrate on yorself. Use this time wisely. I realize that you probably want to spend every single minute with your WAS right now but she does not. Really concentrate on yourself...fight with all your might to do this....it may be the only positive thing that comes out of all this. Final suggestion (yes I know they are not very specific so far), love your kids. Spend as much time with them as possible and show them that dad will be ok., regardless of the outcome. Be a rock for them...be an example for them and never badmouth their mom in front of them or others (keep the details of your situation to yourself).
There you go....I am very sorry you are here. There are some very good people on these boards and personally they have helped me through my journey and some continue to do so.
Hope things workout for you....

[SallyM]

Hey,

Its been a while since I was here, but I do remember those days when h and I were separated and how hard it is, especially at first, and particularly when it came to spending time apart with the children. it was all awful, but I remember that being really hard for me.

What I did discover though was that my h's time with the kids, when he would take them on his own, was a great time for me to work on GAL. Which was pretty much forcing myself out and about at first, and involved a lot of tears and journaling. but eventually it turned out to be a good thing for all of us.

I know its hard to see that right now. and of course everyone's experience is different. But for me, it forced me to really GAL, to discover myself apart from spouse or parent, to try new things. and of course I learned that it could be a lot of fun to do things on my own with my kids, without my h along.

don't get me wrong, I love h and I doing things with the kids together. but there is something special for all involved with that time alone with the kids. even now that we have reconciled, we still try to spend some time on our own with the kids.

good luck!