The adventure chronicles

[Ekie]

Could give more examples, but lack the time at the moment. Here is one:

[quote]Nope, don't think I want to sit in the car with someone I'm divorcing for 13 hours.

Here is an opportunity that most of the LBS here would die for, and what is AFWAW’s reaction? Apathy.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I don’t see it that way, at all. AFWAW’s efforts are half hearted; he really is not into it. He is not following all the advice to say this and that at just the right times not because he is making mistakes out of desperation, it is because he does not care.

I didn't say they were mistakes out of desperation.

I just said they're mistakes, or -- not "spot on."

It really doesn't matter what his motivation is behind his DBing mistakes -- what matters is that he keeps making them, over, and over, and over, and over again, and HE seems to be held back by her. Every time he starts to detach, move on, and get happier, she pulls her John string, and he's miserable again.

Don't you see THAT?

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Puppy, I want to understand more about this...what exactly does he need to do? I have read his sitch a lot for the last 2-3 months but are you saying he should file?

That's his decision. I would never tell someone to file for divorce, unless they were being abused. His wife's behavior -- while petulant, controlling and bratty -- doesn't rise to that level.

My advice to AFW would be to go back and do what Hooper has been suggesting to him all along. I'm not seeing where he's done much -- if any -- of it.

When he's ready, I'm sure he will. All of the other accomplishments in his life speak to a man of strength and character. We just all move at different speeds when it comes to DBing.

Puppy

[Ekie]

I don’t see it that way, at all. AFWAW’s efforts are half hearted; he really is not into it. He is not following all the advice to say this and that at just the right times not because he is making mistakes out of desperation, it is because he does not care.

I didn't say they were mistakes out of desperation.

I just said they're mistakes, or -- not "spot on."

It really doesn't matter what his motivation is behind his DBing mistakes -- what matters is that he keeps making them, over, and over, and over, and over again, and HE seems to be held back by her. Every time he starts to detach, move on, and get happier, she pulls her John string, and he's miserable again.

Don't you see THAT?

Puppy

This is a good discussion, have to drop out for a bit…..

[Ekie]

Seems to be a lot of beating around the bush in this thread.

Could spend a bunch of time cutting a pasting to make my point, however AFWAW can more easily post here and tell me if I have a point, or that I am way off base here.

At the beginning AFWAW was like other LBS’s and was flailing in the dark and got lots of good advice that he did not follow. Why not, not sure but am sure it is the same reason most all LBS’s don’t follow through on the advice given.

What I sense is that the dynamics have shifted here. AFWAW no longer wants his WAW back. He has stated he does not want her, and his actions and behavior shows he does not want her. And why should he? What, is he some sort of sadist?

AFWAW continues to get good advice, but fails to get it all right, why, because he really does not care anymore.

My point earlier was that considering HOW I VIEW this situation, AFWAW is doing fine.

In addition AFWAW derives some satisfaction for now being in control of the situation, and rightly so.

[AFWAW]

I'm sorry, but I've been following AW from the very beginning, and I do NOT think he's as detached as he ought to be by now, and I think it's holding him -- and his daughter -- back, emotionally.

That's true. There are times when I feel this way as well and you're spot on in that it has held me back.

I think he's still suffering, and I think he holds the keys to his own healing if only he'd do what he knows he needs to do.

Yep, you're right, although there are days where I am completed detached. Good days and bad days. It's been given to me a little more bluntly by one of my friends. His words were, "John, hang up the f#$$ing phone and call a lawyer, you'll never be in a better position than you are now." That's putting aside all the emotion though, except for the anger I guess.

[AFWAW]

Ekie,
You do have a point however I'm not so inflexible that I would absoloutely rule any possibility out. I have not come on here and said no way, no how. I told my wife that if she would go to 12 sessions of couseling and we could start dating that if we got the point where we were comfortable with each other, I would consider letting her come home. See, I haven't ruled it out. She had made it all about this OW on facebook and it's not about that. It's about the fact that she made this mess and she needs to be the one to make the effort to clean it up. I've acknowledged my shortcomings in the marriage and was perfectly willing to work on them for a while. A while is only a while though and after the 6 month point, I started to care less and less as it felt like I was the only one that cared.

At the beginning AFWAW was like other LBS’s and was flailing in the dark and got lots of good advice that he did not follow. Why not, not sure but am sure it is the same reason most all LBS’s don’t follow through on the advice given.

It was because I was too emotional, too scared and too unsure or what wouldn't work and what would. After a while, I figured I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.

What I sense is that the dynamics have shifted here. AFWAW no longer wants his WAW back. He has stated he does not want her, and his actions and behavior shows he does not want her. And why should he? What, is he some sort of sadist?

You are correct, things have shifted. I don't want my old wife back. Her actions and behavior are totally unacceptable, however, if and only if she showed actions that were positive based on behavior that meant to heal and better our relationship, I would not be totally adverse to reconcilliation. This has not happened though and to be perfectly frank, I don't think this will happen. So, the real question is how much longer will this go on? And the answer is, as long as I allow it to.

AFWAW continues to get good advice, but fails to get it all right, why, because he really does not care anymore.

I post on here for several reasons, to get different perspectives, for advice and to vent. Advice is a suggestion and how you implement advice is up to the individual. Every situation is different and it's up to each individual to formulate and execute a plan based on that situation. So, having said that, you are correct, I will not get it all right but I will attempt to do the best I can. Saying that I don't care anymore is a stretch. I think it's probably more accurate to say that I'm not as emotionally attached and dependent as I was when this first started. Of course I still care or else I wouldn't be posting.

My point earlier was that considering HOW I VIEW this situation, AFWAW is doing fine.

I am doing fine but everyone has there days when they are not.

In addition AFWAW derives some satisfaction for now being in control of the situation, and rightly so.

Not as much as you would think unfortunately.

[AFWAW]

When he's ready, I'm sure he will. All of the other accomplishments in his life speak to a man of strength and character. We just all move at different speeds when it comes to DBing.

Very wise and kind words. Thanks Puppy!

[AFWAW]

Got an email from the wife today and a phone call. Phone call was short. She called me at work and asked if we were going to work this out. My response was, you told me this was over and I have to go. Bye. Email was a bit more complicated. She has made plans to take my daughter to SS's wedding different than my plans and is trying to control again. I wrote her back and said that her plans didn't work with mine and that she would need to get back with me. Still a woman with control issues.

[Ekie]

Thanks for the clarification AFWAW. Seems some things I observed are there, just not as important as I thought they were, and Puppy as usual is like a focused laser. Would give Puppy some whistles, but have never figured out how to do that.