It's not extreme. It's not good, but it's not extreme.
I was re-reading my previous post. Is it too much to say that I want some kind of acknowledgment from H of my pain? That just sounds selfish or something, "I want from H..."
I keep reading here that "it takes two to make a marriage fail". If I try talking to H about our M,I'm afraid to hear what else H thinks my contributions were to it's decline, or hear another reiteration of what he's already said. Or maybe I'm just afraid to face my failings. I guess that's why I can't bring myself to talk to him, really- I'm not sure I can take it, I always feel beat-up afterward. In our case, silence isn't golden- it's very cold.
Our MC said we should have started seeing some kind of progress by now, but nothing's changed. It feels like it's on me to move our M forward, but it's a heavy load and I just don't have the energy.
OK, I'm done rambling. Just feeling down. Blech...
I just read your last post and all I am hearing is you beating yourself up over your M. You keep saying that you are afraid to hear about what else you have done to make this M fail. What about all that he has done? If you helped in making your M fail then you would already know these things in your heart. Just like you H knows them in his heart, however cold his may be. He just can't accept the blame for what he has done to make the M fail and that is why he keeps blaming you for everything.
Stop blaming yourself. Yes, people say that it takes two to make a M survive and it takes two to make a M fail. I believe that in most cases but there are going to be soem cases that are the exception to the rule. Yours may be one of them. I can say the things that I failed at. I can admit what I did do, what I did not do, and what I should have done or should be doing now. Your H will probably never admit to any of those things.
If you only have a 1% hope of chance in making the M survive, then you have a 99% chance of making bunny survive on her own in her own place. Think about that. You know what you want to do. You are just afraid to make that leap. Take your time if you need, keep trying if you want, but please stop beating yourself up for your M. You are not the only one that has made this M fail. I place 99% of the failure on him for what he has made you do, what he has made you feel, and where your M is now.
Just my two cents on the sitch.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
I don't buy into the idea that it takes two to make a marriage fail. I believe that it can be one person's fault.
Bunny, did you go into the marriage knowing your h was into swinging? Are you the one who changed the rules? I think not. I am convinced that you have done nothing to destroy your M.
Your h threw it onto the rocks when he coerced you into a risky, unhealthy lifestyle. You are simply trying to get yourself back into a healthy state of mind. You have been a loyal wife and a good mother.
He didn't mention swinging until several years into the M. My first thought when he proposed swinging was "I don't want another guy!" He honestly couldn't, and still doesn't, get it. He offered me the opportunity to f*** other guys without guilt or secrets, and I didn't want it. As I said before, it was very inconvenient for him to have a wife who wanted to sty faithful!
There's a pattern here. It's up to you to break it. Every time things get quiet you start to question yourself. Then he'll make some statement that supports those thoughts, and his manipulation continues.
I know, I'm trying. I need to get stronger about it and drop the fear. I'm still working on it the last part especially.
I also need to get out of NE Ohio eventually. I'm craving some sunshine. These gray, dreary skies are not helping my mood. It's been this way already for a over a week, and most likely not going away until spring.
I know, that's the first step, and I can't leave the school district anyways on account of D... but I still think South Carolina sounds pretty good right about now.
My IC thought that I should wait until after the holidays to go anywhere since they are stressful enough, unless I am absolutely miserable. So I'm trying to decide if I am, can I live with H for a couple more months, what's best for everybody...
I don't know- there's minimal conversation at home (household and kids), no touching (sexual and non-sexual), there's a pillow between us in bed so I wouldn't really notice if he was there or not(has been for several years- H likes to surround himself with pillows for comfort), it feels weird in our house.
