H is upset that I "haven't taken his concerns seriously" about my "insecurities and self-esteem issues." Yes, I'm a shy, quiet person- nothing wrong with that since I live productive life. But that is not a sufficient reason to start "Social Anxiety" meds. I was Paxil before for general anxiety when H threatened divorce several years ago. He claims that I was "more willing to try new things" when i was on it (i.e., swinging). Actually, it was the desperation, not the meds.
Classic manipulation. In fact, I think it could be used as an example in Psychology 101.
Originally Posted By: Kettricken
I defy you to find one man (or woman) on this board who thinks you're out of line for having a problem with this.
Sorry, sister, but I want to slap your husband to China myself. He wants you to take anti-anxiety meds so you can be comfortable with swinging, not for you, only for him?
I know this is a pro-marriage board and all ... but in the immortal acronym of Dan Savage, DTMFA. Save yourself.
ABSOLUTELY! I think most of us would LOVE to slap your H.
Spybunny - Please, please, please THINK! You do not deserve to be treated like this.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
We tend to say that Walkaways are selfish around here because they're choosing the easy way out rather than taking on the hard work of sustaining / maintaining / enhancing the relationship. It doesn't have to literally mean leaving the M. If a spouse is physically abused and finally gets up the courage to leave, that's not a WAS. There are lots of ways to Walkaway. Doesn't sound like you meet the criteria.
I agree with Smiley as well. You don't fit the criteria of a WAW spouse. So get that out of your mind......
fear of him agreeing to stop and hating me <<<< You said this...
BUT, what about the flip of that. What if you, ( heaven forbid )You were to agree to continue or let him continue, then YOU end up hating him, and yourself for allowing yourself to do something you did not want. Flash forward a few years and you then hate him and yourself at the wasted years....... ?? It works both ways.
I have settled in my marriage. Different from this however, but I can tell you with assurance, it's not the way to go! Allowing yourself to do something or settle with something to save the marriage doesn't work. AND, in the end, what are you saving?? You've saved NOTHING.
Have you read up much on emotionally abusive relationships? Seems to me like you're experiencing something like that - mostly in terms of having your H tell you what you think/what's wrong with you. Your H's attitude toward you also brought to mind something my T once said to me..."disowned desires come out as unhealthy addictions in other places" - he was talking with me about the danger of expectations...but it also seems to fit your H's behavior - which is to say...he's been doing quite a job of projecting stuff on to you...disowning some issues, but putting them in your lap and convincing you that you have a problem.
I don't feel much of anything for him anymore. I care about him and don't want anything to happen to him- he is the father of my children, but I don't love him and I don't hate him (I should but I don't). I'm just numb. The ironic thing is that he claims he felt closer to me due to the swinging and I put up walls around my emotions.
He is a selfish ass for making you compromise your values with guilt and manipulation.
Stay true to yourself. He is the one that is sick and needs help.
You deserve better. Kick his sick ass to the curb.
Do your kids know about this "2nd life"? What would he tell them if they found out?
He has no idea what marriage and respect is all about.
I totally agree with healthydad. It is emotional abuse if you are manipulated into doing something you DONT want to do.
Hopefully he gets help soon before the kids find out.
Does he have a sexual addiction? Has he ever looked into this? Until he does it will keep on getting worse. I would worry about STD's and Prostitution usage as well.
Not to pile on, but I couldn't help but notice the ages of your children. I would implore you to consider just how much they are in VERY formative years about their concept of what healthy relationships with the opposite sex are. What they see from you, and their father, will be by FAR the two biggest influences they will have on the development of their sexuality. What message do you want them to take away from all this?
