My thread was locked. Still living in limbo. W still hasn't called to register for Retro. Today was a day of ups and downs. W went to beach today with kids. Put on a bikini. Oofa. "The Urge" is growing stronger with each glimpse at her dressing, or tight t shirt. Don't know how much longer I can hold out. Sigh.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
"The Urge" is growing stronger with each glimpse at her dressing, or tight t shirt. Don't know how much longer I can hold out.
Yeah. Been, done. That's a tough row to hoe. High school football team time -- turn that energy to something. Do push-ups. Run laps. Paint the garage. Set the browser to frustratedDBinghusbandswhoneednekkidwimmin.com. Whatever it takes, LOL!
All right. I know that this process of DBing is a long process, and patience is important. But I am at a point now where I am just frustrated with the whole thing, and getting more and more p***ed off at W. We are still in the same house and the same bed. We still act as though we are a family. We don't argue or fight. When we do talk, it is usually not the fun couple kinda conversations. Mostly it is about practical stuff. Once in a while, I will see that old look in her eyes, but it is fleeting. On very VERY few occasions, we will even laugh together like old times. Mostly, we are in steady limbo land. I am trying to GAL and DB, but am running out of ideas. I have posted before about her suddenly agreeing to Retrouvaille. She still hasn't called to do her phone interview. I am putting a lot of hope into Retrouvaille, but I know that it isn't a miracle cure. I have to get her interest again, like when we were first dating. Our 10 year anniversary is in 3 weeks, and I don't know what to do about it. Meanwhile, she tends to plan things in the future as though we will be together. She has said in the past that she could live in this limbo for a long time for the kids. I go through times where I want to reach out and hold her, to times when I want to shake her and scream "what's wrong with you?!" Please, if anyone has made it out of a similar situation with their M intact, let me know. I feel I need some encouragement here to go on on. Don't misunderstand, I am not collapsing into a blob of jelly. I am doing things for me, and have changed for the better. I am happy with the person I have become. I guess I am just kinda venting here. I read stories here where WAS's are on the fence or not 100% sure, or looking for the LBS to change something to come back. Mine seems either firmly done with M, or indifferent to the whole thing. OK, enough of that for now. I am off this week to watch my 5 year old. I have to come up with some fun things to do with him.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
You will run out of ideas in GAL unless you have a sport or hobby.....some regular activity that will keep you interested and busy.
What has happen within the past couple of weeks that has suddenly changed the patient man who was willing to wait....to now getting very frustrated? Not saying you are wrong, but trying to see if you can pin point it.
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Mine seems either firmly done with M, or indifferent to the whole thing.
I felt the same way! Reading Michele's WAW article will tell you that most feel done with the M and that is why they have that mentality.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I will be honest with you, its the intimacy. Not just the sex, but the closeness. I have been to two parties recently. One was without her, and there were couples there who were acting like couples, getting each other drinks, talking to others as a couple, just generally enjoying each other's company. The other party she was there for. This time, couples were hugging and cuddling around an outdoor fireplace, while my W was hanging out with her 20 year old niece and I sat alone. I want so desperately to reach out to her and hold her in my arms again. I want her to rest her head on my shoulder like she used to do. I want to cuddle under a blanket on the couch and watch "According to Jim" again. And yes, I want so much to climb in to bed with her and experience the closeness that only physical intimacy can bring. Ultimately, I know I can be patient, I think I am just in a funk right now. It's just that she's right there. We're not fighting. We get into bed together every night. I will get over it. I'll be back on track. Just looking for encouraging words to help get out of the funk Thanks for the reply I will re-read Micheles WAW article.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
My wife and I are in the same boat, interaction wise, as you orich. No fighting, in the same bed. An outside observer would notice nothing wrong.
I detached, she drew in wondering what was wrong. I told her why I detached. She seemed bothered that I would do that without telling her why. She also wondered why I haven't asked for status on her and the OM. She got the impression I was being distant, going back to the "same old me", throwing doubts in her mind that my positive changes were lasting. That is her biggest fear of "coming back".
So now I'm going to go back to what seemed to be working (being attentive, listening, small shows of affection that I initiate). She gave me the impression she's cooled it with the OM, but there's risk in me thinking that. I told her she can't have it both ways. So while I don't expect her to return affection just yet, she did respond positively to it, so I'm going to play it by ear at this point. I think she knows my behavior will be dictated by me seeing her behavior changing.
She wants me to take it slow, no smothering. So that's what I'm going to do. We'll see where it goes from there.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
I completely understand everything you are saying. And yes, people have been in your situation and come out of it together again. I would suggest you read FaithfulH's thread. He was in a similar situation for 9 months and is back with his W now. He is a great inspiration. He almost was about to have to get his own place and the Lord restored his M right before that happened. His W had filed and he was still in the same house but different rooms. The D was thrown out and they are doing well again and have been for a while now. He discussed intimacy as well and his struggles of faith at times and wanting to quit. But he didn't. You should really read it.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I have the feeling that she doesn't want to initiate the Retrouvaille phone call. But if they called her, she would probably say the right things. Does Retrouvaille have her phone number? Would they initiate the phone call?
When my H and I were unhappy, we still lived together and slept in the same bed. When things got to the point where the silence was deafening, in bed at night, one of us would reach our hand out and take the other one's hand and say, "You want to be friends?" And that would end the standoff. Don't know if that would work for you; it worked for us.
Here's the thing. She notices my 180s and my GALing, but she never wants to talk about the R. She is indifferent to it. She is happy with the status quo. This is what I am talking about, others here havd DB'd and their Ss have noticed, and asked what is going on, etc. Whenever I bring up R, she just reiterates that she is done. Granted, I havnt talked to her about R since she agreed to retro, I don't want to push her away. I will ask her again today if she is going to call.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.