ok so h is not here tonight, I have put the kiddos to bed, I sit at the computer with a cat on my lap wondering what i should do...... go take a shower and start reading my book club book? sit at the puter and read depressing stories and offer support or advice??? wait for responses on my thread or on others i visit???? call someone and drink a bottle of wine????? go to sleep????? sit and watch tv??? don't know.... feel sort of lost don't know what to do with myself, actually it's just there are too many choices I don't feel like doing anything. I'm tired and I just want to cuddle in bed with my h but he is sleeping in a bed alone somewhere else giving me the space I don't want but maybe i do need. while h was gone for six months i learned to appreciate his just being here even if asleep on the couch. i always used to say i'd rather be alone and lonely than with someone and lonely cause at least then i'd have the opportunity, well i learned that's a load of crap. you want to hear something funny ow said just that to me minus the it being crap stuff as why she's leaving her h she'd rather be alone and lonely than with someone and lonley where the hell are they hiding the microphone????
actually i am going to do some kariokee tommorrow night with some friends, I did post on the just for fun thread if anyone would like to do that, would invite you all where i'm going but don't know if you'd feel comfortable actually IL i know you wouldn't feel comfortable there. but if it is something the boston dbrs are interested in I can find another place we can go and belt out a few tunes. I still cant decide what to do with myself this evening sorta stuck at the puter, realizing i will soon need to start a new thread with a new focus. things are far better in my sit than it seems, (i think) so what am i doing right?? what am I doing wrong?? LL
I meant to say that instead of getting bored tonight, why not sing to a Karaoke tune where the kids won't get disturbed. I know it's not the same as being with a group of people but could take away the ache of loneliness tonight.
ya right me singing in my big ass house all by myself, I'm nuts but I aint that nuts, maybe i'll sing a song in the shower or something, during the day when i sing, son tells me to stop, when i dance son tells me to stop at the end of the day when son is sleeping i am to damn tired from being his servant and playmate that i don't have the energy to be silly alone, plus it's just not as much fun, I do have to do something though I forgot how quiet it is here at night, I guess h really has been around alot lately I forgot what the past six months of sitting at the puter with no noise in the house was like, how depressing.
i told my h today what a smart man he is, it's funny I don't think people get the right impression of him the way i describe him, yes he is a bit selfish (aren't all men) and doesn't always do the right thing, but he really is a good man (why else would i marry him) he is smart, but he does not take compliments from me very well. almost negates anything i say, about his being a good dad... he says he's ok still has to learn... when i say he's smart he says he doesn't think so.... am i suddenly seeing that this man is not as secure as i thought he was and what has happend here is i've let my own insecurities beat him down thus making him think he wasn't good enough for me?? who knows, but i am seeing him in a different light, i don't mind his not thinking he is all that, confidence is a good thing but too much of it is NOT. gotta go tend to a baby think she lost her binky... I don't like being here alone at night I get scared... LL
LL: My c had shown me something i really had missed in the past from my h... My h is very very insecure about himself, although he show me he is so secure, smart, by his own... and this kind of man are the perfect candidate for MLC... Although my h is more thines, handsome, so caring about himself, is bc he doesnt feel well with himself... And learning that help me to understand many many behavior from him...!!... About being alone at nights, it can be horrible... i can remember all that weekends when my children were with dad, and i remain alone in home... althpugh i try to arrive later from friends home or i try to get out, finally i get home and feel the loneliness... but that lonely nights as my c had told me, had helped me to heal all the turmoil and moments i was living
well h called at 7 30 this morning to say hello and goodmorning. guess it's no fun to wake in an empty appt alone. I at least get to wake to my children everyday whether h comes or not, I know he misses that, and honestly even though i am being difficult during the reconcile i know he misses waking to me as well. i will not be here when h comes tonight as i already had plans to go out and not just because he didn't come over last night. I had already told h i was going out and he seemed dissapointed, asked me to wake him when i get home.
i have realized something, when i married, i changed my life, because i moved 30+ min from my home to be with h, I stopped going out with my friends and stopped living my life, this put more pressure on h to be there for me and not live his own life, (what a drag) then we had son and I no longer worked putting more pressure on h, then we moved further away from my friends and family putting more pressure on my h, then i ask for second child (getting the idea here) so now we live 1 hr from my friends (my mom did move out here though) and I am at home with two kiddos. I have started to get a life out here and realized i can't depend on h to be my life. tonight i am driving the hour to go out with my friends. (thing is h would like me to be home with him, oh well i gotta have a life too)
many of h's old high school buddies who are all still in contact with eachother are all now married and live within 10 min of us now (they've moved up here too) some have kids and some don't but they are all still fun to be with and i get along with them as well (actually spent some time with one couple while h was out) so there is a good life here for h and i, if we let it be so. tonight i will enjoy my friends, sing a few songs and come home to a man who wants me to be around. I can do this, if i just let go of the past and start living today!! LL
