ok let me fool myself with looking at things a bit differently.
when we were in counseling together for those two sessions at the begining of sep before d talk. h talked about how he focussed his attentions on the business part of his life (thus neglecting me) c asked him when he was going to start living the other parts of his life, h said he was waiting to be pulled out (the ow did that) he didn't outright say it but I know it to be his thought. (no mind reading just knw) so then I can look at it as SHE is the one for him or I can look and see it as she did the dirty work got him to realize some things about life and relationships, h has some regrets about the way he handled our r long ago (though he does blame me some for not understanding he was busy with work and I only pushed him away by not understanding his lack of time for me) so now h sees what a r takes and is CHOSING to put that effort into us, so what if it took his r with her to see it, I will reap the benifit of what he learned. my only fear is that he will think that she is the one. I all along told him not to credit her with where he is now, that all he is becoming and seeing about life is his own growth. maybe I can do this, if I only think possitive and keep my mouth shut! LL
don't care to get used to it as i feel it undermines our reconcile. h just called, bla bla bla, said he really enjoyed last night even though we just fell asleep, he felt that i seemed to warm up to him and he liked it, dumb thing is he's not planning to come up tonight same old exuse has to work late and early start in the am, whatever if you wanted to come you would and I am sick of this bs, when will he realize that if he takes nights like last night and "bottles them up to build on" instead of commming back again for more he will be pushing me back into a cold state. when he chooses to not come, it very much does send me the message that he doesn't want to and then I start to not want him to, this sucks. LL
I've had enough of playing this game with h, make up your damn mind. gee find it funny that you don't want me to call a lawyer yet you don't know if you want to come home or not and you continuosly want to just avoid the issue and hang out and have a good time, I mean really what are you looking for for everything to just be peachy???? grow the hell up and realize that aint real life, there are going to be good days and bad days and that my dear is just the way it is. when you are standoffish with me I will be cold to you, when you are warm to me I will be warm to you, if you continue to throw me back and forth I will eventually get sick and throw you up!!!
I am fed up with living my life this way, I should have given up years ago but no I hung in there waiting for better, you have a "friend" i should leave but do i no I hang in there, you leave the home I should leave but do i no I hang in there, you tell me you want a d, do i leave no i hang in there, you tell me you are in love with some one else, i should leave but do i no I hang in there, you tell me you want to come home and try and yet you don't come home, I should leave but do i no i hang in there. how long do I continue to play this game with you, i am tired of the uncertainty I would like to live a "normal" life where my h actaully lives in my house and comes home everynight even if late because of work. I am tired of wondering how you will be when you are here, I am tired of the questions and when I stop questioning I will be distant from you and if you do decide here is where you want to be everynight my heart will be so cold from all the doubt that there will not be a warm and comforting person to sit on the couch with you, how long do you think you can treat me this way, how long do you think you can take to figure things out, how long do you think the children and i can live with the fact that daddy may or may not be a full part of our lives. i am tired and i just want it to end, i want peace, I want to know what direction the rest of my life will be taking, and if I truly start to move in a direction that does not include you there will no longer be a place here for you, yes you will always be the father of our children and will be welcome to spend time with them and be a part of their lives but there will no longer be a place for you in my life. i am tired of waiting for you h, i have spent far to many years of my life waiting for you, now you have shown me bits and peices of why it is that i have waited around and yet are still undecided as to whether or not you will actaully make it a perminant thing. how long do you think you have, i want to start living and my waiting for you is holding me back. you want to be needed but if you keep keeping yourself from me you will see that I don't need you. LL who doesn't have a clue!!
Read about your feelings. I am glad you shared with us your frustration since I feel the same as you do.
I can see why you felt frustrated, and I wish I could have the attitude of yours: not holding back, but keep moving on with my life. That is such a great attitude.
I wanted to say that your love for your H appears to be a strong and mature one, regardless his behavior and indecisiveness. As you know, love is a choice, and sometimes a painful one. I admire your willingness to stay this far; that is much more than most many people could endure, with kids or not. I see your M has started to turn, even though the process is painfully slow. Your goal to reconcile is actually in sight, despite it will take many more baby steps.
Give H a little bit more time, as you said he needs to grow up. If he is the one you love, you would accept him as he is, despite of those immature characters of his. You deserve someone to give you love, warmth and respect, as we all do. Many of us still hang in here since we also chose who we wanted to them get from, despite he/she walks away.
Keep sharing your frustration here and we'll listen to you as you do ours.
ok so i called h's cell phone and got the answering service, let him (it god i hate talking to recordings) know that i am sorry that i let it bother me so that he won't be comming over, that i have to realize there will be times when he needs his space as well as i need mine and that i cannot take it personally when he doesn't come and use my own interpertations of what it means. and of course more but that is all i remember it being.
so son wanted to call h and did, then h talks to me and tells me he got the message and was going to call me as the phone rang.... he understands this is difficult for me, cant say that he knows the feelings but understands... he is trying to spend time with me and the family and wants me to be comfortable and when we are all comfortable inevitably he will come home. anyway he said alot of things and apparently is not giving up on me or being pushed away from me by my sadness or angry words (but i should stop that if I want to speed up the home comming)
things are not as bad as i seem to want to see them.
LL
h also assured me that when he does not come here it is not because he is doing "anything" other than working late and/or going to his apt to sleep, ALONE. i didn't ask, he volunteered that info.
Couldn't help myself, despite your warning of what I might see here! Am I impressed with your self control, wrt the message you left your H, despite your frustration - and look at the results! Baby steps, two forward, maybe one back, but keep going! I am cheerleading for you!
Quoting lostlove: I am fed up with living my life this way, I should have given up years ago but no I hung in there waiting for better, you have a "friend" i should leave but do i no I hang in there, you leave the home I should leave but do i no I hang in there, you tell me you want a d, do i leave no i hang in there, you tell me you are in love with some one else, i should leave but do i no I hang in there, you tell me you want to come home and try and yet you don't come home, I should leave but do i no i hang in there. how long do I continue to play this game with you, i am tired of the uncertainty....
Hi LL:
I love the rhetoric in your venting summary. Have you considered taking up the "performing arts"? It might be a productive distraction for you during these trying times. Well, forget I made the suggestion and ignore the comment...
The up and down roller coaster of emotions - I find that is the hardest to manage. I am following your thread closely and am impressed with you perseverance, your emotional courage and your ability to take some "knocks" and yet bounce back. Vent in this forum with the fullest of your emotions. That is what this place is for. We, your support group, will shed a tear for you when you are in despair, will comfort you when you feel down and will cheer you on when you make progress with your relationship. Stay the course as we all can see that you are making progress, even though it may seem excrutiatingly slow for your liking.
