what do you do when after all the hurt and pain and lies and separation and d talk, your was wants to try and you are not sure how you feel about them??
I feel like I am shut off when it comes to h. it's like starting over with someone new, the difference being you know that person and know that they have lied to and hurt you.
LL
ll, i ask the same question. my h has never been happier. he tells me he loves me about 20 x's a day since he has been back in our lives. (8 mo) i am having a very hard time letting go of my anger and disgust. h's ow was a "pig" and this is a quote from at least 5 different men. i can not believe he chose to spend his days and worse his nights with her. actually that is not even the issue who or what the ow was. it's about betrayal, deciet and abandonment. my d was 8 mo old when h walked out to be with ow. wish i had an answer for us. sorry i am not more positive, i am in mourning of my lost marraige. lisa
thanks for the words lisa, my d was just 6 months old when h left and 3 months old when "friendship" with ow was disclosed, that is when the lies started (well the outright lies started) now six months after walking out the door and telling me it was over that he didn't want to be my h, he is trying, I don't know how to feel, I do believe i love my h, but he is not the man I thought him to be. I had been living a lie for a long time and not knowing it, then I lived a lie and knew it, then stopped living it and let h go off to live his sorry life and plan to be with someone else's sorry exuse for a wife. now h wants to be my h and I don't really know how i feel about him. I am enjoying being persued but is that enough, does that make up for all the lies, all the decete, all the mistreatment and neglect???? i got appologies and now I get exuses as to why this happend, in my eyes there are reasons but it is not exusable, forgivable yes. I am scared to get comfortable but don't want to live my life walking on eggshells. I don't know how to feel but numb. LL
Almost everyone who comes to this board is going through the same thing. I sometimes choose to look at it like reading a good book. Sometimes there are ugly, reviling things that happen in the story, but then that chapter ends. It's important to remember those parts to give relavence to the rest of the book, but it's not necessary to revisit and re-read and reexperience it all. It's better to enjoy the section you are reading now, and anticipate the pleasures and joys of reading what's ahead.
But then, my mind works in strange ways sometimes...
z, as you know reconciling is difficult and different for each of us. I know h and I can be happy, I just have to get over the fear that "it" will happen again and allow myself to loose the resentment and enjoy today and tommorow, if I continue to prepare myself for the worst I will not be able to enjoyt the present. it is a bit harder for me because my mother lived a lie for years, thought she had a happy marriage and that the affairs had ended only to find they had not. I just don't want to be my mother, but I have to realize that I am NOT my mother and my h is not my father, we are different people and just because on story went one way does not mean that a similar story is the SAME story. LL trying to love my h from a distance while he tries to bring himself back to me.
something I have noticed, when I am silent and I mean totaly silent, h will start talking, talking and talking sometimes to the point where I am saying to myself where did this all come from, now I don't mean talking in the manner of any r talk, just talk, talking about work the jobs he has to do, what the guys are working on, the threat of snow bla bla bla all kinds of things. I like to listen to him, always wanted to hear about his day and what was going on, he stopped doing that and now wammo. it's almost shocking. I think h has realized that his being overly sexual is making me uncomfortable (at least for now) so he's backed off a bit. he's still being physically affectionate but it's more affection than sex. he just left to get some chinese for us and I was folding laundry while he was changing his stuff from the washer to the dryer (he has been doing his own since the sep, was taking it to a wash & fold but the past few weeks he's been doing it here, I'm staying away from it) he came back in and kissed the back of my neck. one of the things h mentioned about being in love feelings was knowing that when you talk the other is listening, well since I was always talking (out of my own discomfort) h never had an opportunity to talk and often even when he would I would somehow end up leading his conversation, so now I just listen and comment here or there if i can say something small, letting him talk and be heard, letting him share his day. there is a time for me to listen and there is a time for me to talk, when h talks i need to listen. knowing that the less i say the more h will talk will be enough to keep me from talking.
the sit still bothers me, I am still not comfortable, but I am learning to make h comfortable and when he is comfortable and I see that smile I feel better. LL
Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps... and it seems like you are making progress. Stay the course and good luck in your endeavors. My prayers go with you.
ll, sounds like you are doing all the right things. how long exactly was the affair? do you know much about the ex-ow? i like what z said about this being a book. but i have been trying and praying to let go of my shock, anger and disgust to no avail. my mom was left by my dad when i was under a year for ow. he came back, but they never resolved it, my dad drank and then they divorced.
i have to go give my d a bath. i just wanted you to know you are not alone. check out my thread, it takes as long as it takes. lisa
