I am frozen. Well, part of my heart is frozen. It is not open - not all the way. The part that's closed is full of fear. That is some of what I feel when I let myself feel. Most of my heart is open, so I also feel joy, happiness, excitement, even love, but I feel myself limiting my expression and reception of these feelings...holding back and pushing away because I feel fear. Here's something else I have learned...the only way to get rid of the fear is to feel it...really feel it...cry about it, hurt from it, acknowledge its presence and then let it go.
Instead, I have been asking others to do the impossible...to give me words to comfort me, to assure me that I have nothing to fear. These words work, too - they temporarily assuage the fear. The thing is, because I am not letting myself feel, the words really are only a temporary fix. The fear comes back because I have not let myself feel it - that and because my fear is not something to be fixed by someone else's words or even deeds. I have been in this nasty little cycle for a very long time. It is time to put an end to that cycle.
It is time to feel my way out of it. So, I am feeling things...lots of things. It's odd, as I let myself feel...really feel, I am experiencing quite a mix of emotions - at the same time I feel a lot of fear, I also feel empowered by facing the feelings and just sitting with them...accepting them rather than fighting them. There are good feelings in there, too, and the amazing thing is that they are also intensified when I simply feel them, acknowledge them and then let them go.
Sorry if this post is a bit cryptic...not my intention. I have been told by a couple of very special, very trusted people in my life that I often try to intellectualize that which instead ought to be felt. Until very recently, I had no idea what that meant. I think I am starting to understand it now...
If we all can remember to keep our focus on HIM, and not the situation. Like I just told Serenity, HE is on our side, and is waiting for the perfect time to turn our situation around.
Wow V. I don't see your post as cryptic at all. In fact, I strongly relate to it!
I have been separated for 2 years now and I have analysed every aspect of me, my H and my life. I overthink but I have to say with that I have felt every little feeling there is to feel. I've been on that rollercoaster ride up and down, round and round and I know I have truly grown as a person because of the journey.
Fear has always been a huge part of my life journey and I am discovering that the more I face my feelings and my fears the more I discover that I love about being me!
I like this topic. Feelings are feelings, nothing more. They serve a purpose and I guess the trick is to try and let God show us what that purpose is in his own time. They hurt. They confuse, but they do not have to control the way we behave....at least not in public.
At least that's what I'm trying to tell myself as I sit here and resist my urge to call the W and make things even worse.
"16 God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 17In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. 18There is no fear in love.But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. "
I'm a 'head' person too....I think and intellectualize everything too. It actually makes me emotional because I experience my feelings later... then sometimes emotion overwhelms me, because I didn't know how I felt about something during the event...I wasn't feeling it THEN. Hard to explain, but I'll bet you know what I mean.
It will help to 'get out of your head' and 'into your body'. You can do that by dancing, getting a massage, yoga (not all exercise does this)...walking and smelling the roses, looking at art, .....thins that make you use your senses.
Honey, KNOW YOU ARE LOVED. You are loved EXACTLY AS YOU ARE. You don't need to change to be loved. Don't worry about trying to lose your fear....Just know you are in the presence of God and loved.
Wishin you EVERY good thing!
Last edited by sgctxok; 07/18/0905:09 AM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Hi V, Sounds like you've reached one of those life-changing moments - or phases...or periods...or insights...not sure how you would want to describe it - since I guess it could come down to how you receive this kind of awareness about yourself. It could be the type of awareness that results in immediate, constant change, it could be the type of awareness that needs to be nurtured - and kept alive for it to remain relevant...only time will tell I suppose.
One thing that seems very clear - is that your tears are of the healthiest sort - that they're allowing you to cleanse something somehow - and the trick, then, may be to not try to catch all those tears and not try to find your reflection in the reflecting pool they could be used to make - so instead of going the narcissus route, you pull yourself away from the allure of that deceptive reflection - or even poke your finger in the water and stir it up a bit - remembering that the pleasure of the water is in touching it, smelling it, hearing it, not in examining it - and mistaking something that's there for something that it cannot ever be.
I hope you don't ever stop analyzing things - you've shared a lot of insights with me that have helped me tremendously through my own process - the difference, I suppose, is that when we start to analyze ourselves - sometimes we get so frozen in the ratiocination that we forget that the words matter more when they are part of a life being put to action. Cogito ergo sum indeed - but thinking should never become its own envelope...right?
Well, as usual, you get it. I tend to think that this new awareness is something that will need nurturing by me. In the past, I have often been very quick to think just because a lesson had been learned that I really had assimilated it and made it a part of me. Not so this...my urge remains to intellectualize things. Knowing this is good, though. Being aware that I might do this will help me.
As I feel my feelings, the good ones and the bad ones, I am learning to let go...not just of the feelings...
I have a friend, she calls doing just what I have described as floating. She looks at it like this - our feelings are like water, sometimes calm, sometimes choppy, and if we just allow ourselves to float in them, we keep our heads above water. It is when we try to fight the water that we drown.
Well, thank you for your sharing your thoughts on this with me...you, too, have helped me tremendously. As for continuing to analyze things...do not think I could stop even if I wanted to. That said, I am going to be careful to recognize the difference between thinking and feeling and when each is appropriate.
