Advice please...I am a 40 y.o. father of two whose WAW recently left him for OM. We aren't to the BigD yet, but it is looking that way. Here is the problem; I bear most of the blame. Drug addiction (she was an enabler) and other issues made me painfully dependent and unresponsive to her needs. She expressed unhappiness a few times and even a desire for counseling, which I rejected as an attempt to change me. Finally, she met someone online and lied about taking a trip with a girlfriend when she really flew out to meet him. When she returned she announced that she no longer loved me and wanted a seperation. This was the wake-up call that I desperately needed and I cleaned up, apologized and committed myself to self-improvement. However, this time my pleas for counselling were rejected and now she is out visiting OM again (while I watch the kids). My question is, do I continue to fight for this marriage (I now realize that she is the most important person in the world to me and I'd like to make up for the past) or do I accept that I have blown it and just let her go? And, if I fight for the marriage, what approach should I take? I would love another chance, especially now that I am clean and changed4good, plus we have a history and children. If not, how do I let go. I love her more than ever.
Separated 40 y.o. man who blames himself for his WAW and hopes to reunite and repair relationship and family.
Well, you started in the right place...with yourself.
Let me ask you something: If she never returns to the marriage are you going to go back to being dependent on drugs or are you going to be changed4good? Hopefully the answer is that you are going forward with the new clean you regardless of what happens. Continue to look for other areas where you can make improvements...for YOU.
Your wife would have probably noticed, and approved, except that she's cheating on you. What are you going to do about that? Just being the stay at home husband that facilitates the cheating? Who provides financially? Whose money is being spent to finance these cheating trips? You need to protect yourself financially. You need to protect yourself emotionally. You need to draw some boundaries. Move half the joint money into your own account and then start putting all of your pay into just your account. Cancel any joint credit cards and just get one in your name.
I know you screwed up, but that doesn't give her a free pass to whatever she wants to do with this OM. You can stand up for yourself despite how you feel about your messing up. Nobody wants a guy that sits in the wings waiting for the fling to pass so he can have seconds.
Think as though she's serious about it ending. Whose going to have custody of the kids. Whose keeping the house (or are you renting?)? I know these are unsavory to think about, but she needs to see you not only changed, but also strong and independent. When she comes back, you need to be ready to confront her on this, have boundaries considered, and have the financial stuff figured out. I would do it ASAP. Call tonight about the credit cards if you have any. Get to the bank tomorrow and open your own account. She needs to see you're serious.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Thank you for responding Phoenixdeux. Unfortunately, the truth is that she was the breadwinner for the past year (however she was laid off soon before this broke, which certainly put a lot of stress in the situation) and she has already divided the account and moved her paycheck. I am not broke, but I am not employed FT yet (working on that!) I would certainly not finance these trips (I think the OM is - the SOB has her convinced her I am lazy and controlling). Furthermore, she is the leasor on our place (I am listed as a tenant, along with the kids), so she really has me between a rock and a hard place. I am paying the rent now while she stays with family, but she has asked me to vacate at the end of the month. Hopefully, I will have FT employment by then, but if not, I'll have nowhere to go! As you can see, my sit doesn't look very good. All I have going for me is that we were fairly happy together for the first six of our 7 1/2 years together (we were best friends as well as great lovers) and we have two young children that we both care about, and that I truly have changed4good! Drugs are my enemy, forgiveness is my friend!
Separated 40 y.o. man who blames himself for his WAW and hopes to reunite and repair relationship and family.
Just realized that my last post makes me look like a deadbeat and makes it seem like we were unhappy for the past year and a half, neither of which is really true. I supported her for most of our marriage, while she went to school (she is 13 years younger than me) and we were never at each others throats. I was never abusive and we rarely fought. I think that she became disappointed with me last year (and rightfully so, I suppose) and repressed a lot. Therefore, I wasn't really aware of the gravity of the situation until the bomb dropped. Hope it isn't too late to restore our love.
Separated 40 y.o. man who blames himself for his WAW and hopes to reunite and repair relationship and family.
Something was amiss with your relationship. Medicating yourself on drugs, your wife escaping to another man both reek of a void between the two of you. She did ask for counseling. The odd things is, enablers don't know they enable... but the addict does.
First things first. How did you clean up? What type of lasting support do you have? Is this something that has happened in the past? What are your triggers? What is your motivation to stay clean and sober?
Getting healthy means setting boundaries that keep you on the road to health. What are appropriate ones in your case? If your ability to communicate was flawed during the marriage, it's not going to get better with a threatened divorce without active change, professional help. Work on you. Learn how to express your emotions in a positive way. You are not alone.
Make the changes for yourself. Staying sober will create a drastic difference. An intriguing side note is that many spouses prefer their alcoholic or addicted spouse to remain that way.. something works. The fact that your wife wanted the best for you and your children speaks volumes.
She's hurt and at the end of her rope. In Divorce Remedy getting away from a destructive marriage, i.e. one of physical abuse or drug addiction, is seen as a positive. She left to save herself.
Is the grass greener on the other side for her? Who knows. But you can cultivate your lawn to be as welcoming and refreshing as possible.
You're worth it.
*hugs*
PS.. Have you tried AA? I'm reminded of a saying "Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink." when it comes to pity parties. Accept your responsibility for 50% of the problem, let the rest go and let yourself evolve to the person you're meant to be.
I sincerely wish you success in the struggle with your addiction.
Please hold on to the fact that you have two little kids, and you and their Mom are the two most important people in their lives. Be available physically, emotionally, and financially for your kids even if your wife decides to leave you. Know that, if you remain in their lives, you will always have their love no matter what.
Best wishes.
M 57 W 52 Married 12, Together 14 No kids by this marriage 2nd marriage for both
Thanks for the supportive words and advice Gypsy and cville22901 (is that for Charlottesville, VA? I went to school there). I agree that we had some communication problems, as is frequently the case with WAW. As for the enabling/drug addiction, she was an active participant, just not an addict like me. It WAS a big part of our relationship I guess and so now the dynamic has changed, which helps me stay clean and sober. It also makes me appreciate her a whole lot more and really wish we had cleaned up before the break up, but you know how addicts, they often have to hit bottom. Well that's about where I am. At least there is nowhere to go but up. I'd just really like it if we could climb that path together. I have a lot more compassion and appreciation for her and the relationship now. I just think it would be a terrible shame for us to call it quits now that we have quit doing drugs. I should add that no hard drugs were involved, which may be why we didn't recognize it as a problem, though I now do. And that is my impetus for keeping clean. That and the kids.
Separated 40 y.o. man who blames himself for his WAW and hopes to reunite and repair relationship and family.
So, can someone give me advice about how to handle her/what to say to her? She has not ever admitted to affair with OM. Should I ask her point blank? Do I continue to apologize and ask for forgiveness or do I start going on the offensive? I want to maintain our frienship at least, but I don't want to be her doormat. What approach works best with a WAW? I want her to respect me and the improvements I have made so she will at least consider getting counseling and giving it another chance. Neither one of us has really talked to an attorney or filed yet. Is there still hope?
Separated 40 y.o. man who blames himself for his WAW and hopes to reunite and repair relationship and family.
