Hi guys, I'm so happy I found this site after scratting round the 'net for the past six weeks!
My sitch (and it's a long one!) ....
Met wife 8 years ago. Married 17th Nov 2007. Couple of rocky moments during that time. 25th May - Row about wife staying out again drinking while I worked my butt off at home. Walked away 26th May 2009 leaving this letter....
Dear Ken,
With a lot of thought and a lot of tears, I have decided to write this letter. I have made a decision that I really cannot go on with this marriage.
I have always felt that I am not as important to you, like the other aspects in your life including yourself. I also don't see me writing letters to you to explain to you how I fell and also what makes me unhappy. I would have loved to have communicated with you, which is what I have always done in the past.
With loosing my work as well as two miscarriages, I was going through a difficult time and I really needed emotional support from you. All I wanted you to say was "don't worry we will work through this together and that things will come right". Instead all I got from you was about all debt that you have got. And that you couldn't afford looking after me. How was I suppose to get a job and get back on my feet again? When all you did was complaining about money?
When I did work, I supported us as well as the household. And not once have I complained about it. In fact it was a pleasure for me to do so. I also got tired of asking for money. Which was thrown back in my face on many occasions. When you well knew that the money was not spent on myself.
Every time I ma half an hour late, it always ends up in a huge fight. Where the pushing and arguments starts I will defend myself because I was not brought up in a home with violence. Another aspect is that every time you are hungry I need to come home and cook for you. When you can in fact do all the cooking for yourself, as you have in the past.
When you met me as an outgoing person. Things would have also been different if you would have taken me out from time to time and socialize with me (and I don't mean the local pub). Therefor you could not have expected me to stay home everyday of my life. I am also human and loves people and socializing.
I also wanted you to respect me as a person. I have been very hurt on many occasions. When you spoke to me in such an unrespectfull manner in front of our friends and family. Do have any idea what I felt like? I felt like your maid someone that are there to cook and clean for you. I would have loved to feel like your equal.
All the things that are mentioned in the letter I have spoken to you about so many times in the past. And nothing changed at all.
I have also given our marriage so many chances because I love you from the bottom of my heart. And nothing has changed. And I am drifting further and further away from you. There are a lot of other things that I can address again that I really don't want to get into. Because I don't want to keep dwelling on the past. I would rather concentrate on the future. And I really don't see you as part of it.
I would like to thank you for the lovely roof over my head. I am sure that our paths will cross in the future and I would like it to be with respect. I wish you all the best at work in future.
I will really appreciate if you would consider leaving me on your medical aid until such time that I have found a job. Thank you for looking after Scrappy and Ashley. When I find my own place I will take them both from you if you want me to.
All the best for the future.
All my love
Me. X
I understand that my W and I have a comms problem. We discussed this in the past and went through all the issues (or so I thought). W does not have a sell-by-date and keeps bringing up the past. Every single issue including the saddest of times.
She's gone to a girl "friend" who looked after her last time. I have mixed feelings about friend. She's my age, hasn't had a single long term relationship and wouldn't let me anywhere near my wife when I visited her home 4th June. I was very calm but she told everyone the "I threw a wobbler". A lie.
I think W looks up to friend because she likes her free-and-easy lifestyle instead of the "normal" day to day M stuff like looking after the home, paying bills etc. Being out of work on top of that! Boy that must have hit her self-esteem!
The visit was because I got an SMS to say that W was not coming to talk on the 5th. She was coming to collect her belongings. There's so much confusion here. One minute she wants to talk - next she's moving stuff.
W came round with our "friend" and cleared all her stuff out. When she entered the house it was with all guns blazing!
I'm thankful that when I asked her if I could talk she gave me time. Friend was busy just throwing everything in box's and bags to get her away from me as quickly as possible
She listened patiently to my apologies and listened to her heart. A few tears listening to me. She certainly calmed down to "normal". I tried to get her to tell me in words how she felt. We did discuss how things have got this bad. She had written a long hand written letter (which I've typed out above). She left with small tears trying to be very very brave.
There was one or two points where W as much as said "STOP ME DOING THIS" but I just didn't know how to handle it. I promise I was not imagining this.
Friend was laughing through the whole thing trying to lighten a very dire situation. No idea what that was all about. She gave us no space to talk. Our best man was here to make sure everything stayed calm. I'm grateful for his and his W's support. Inside I was so upset. Outside I was a rock of support for the love of my life.
W dropped very heavy hints about "if this" and "if that" and said she had never been "thrown out of her house" before.
During the first week I was a bit of a text-terrorist. Lots of woe is me and saying I would change. More distance.
Since then I've backed off. Lots of help from friends who says she needs time to work through her feelings. The first time she left (long time ago) was for six months. I'd actually gotten over her and out of the blue she walked back into our lives!
We've had two meetings since regarding money. The first meeting I turned down because W wanted to meet in a PUB! I said I would work out my budget and get back to her that weekend so we could discuss. W said she would think about seeing me over the weekend or Monday.
Then another bombshell. Instead of meeting I got a call from the maintenance court on Monday morning saying W was there in tears asking for money. I went into full panic mode. The lady was very understanding and agreed we needed to talk. And so I relented and met W at her request there. Bit of chit chat and then the discussion over maintenance. The amount had doubled since the original SMS and now included a large rent portion for friend.
In this time I'd also recieved an SMS from W's best friend saying she would like to pop in and say Hi - with one of W's brothers who would also like to drop in! She said to "hang in there". What the heck was going on????? W's side of friends were giving me a wide birth!
The next day (Thursday 9th) I called her and said I had some papers for her to look at and sign. W said "so you've got hold of N's lawyer have you?". Lots of panic in voice. She thought they were D papers! I assured her they weren't. W asked to give her a few hours and meet her at friends house. I thought this was to give W time to call friend and get her home for support. I arrived. We hugged. She made tea! and we sat in the garden. We talked about "stuff" in general. W said she was doing well. Yeah right - she'd been to two interviews and didn't get either job. I'd printed out two copies of Change of Heart. A blank one for W and one I had filled out. W promised to read them. I also told her that I'd arranged for mediation to discuss the maintenance for Saturday. She promised to look at the website and read and fill out the forms and bring them with. I had such high hopes that sitting in a room with a sympathetic third party would help us. I asked her about Karin and she said she had always said to freinds and family not to avoid me. I found out that W was going to visit friends over the weekend and decided to help out with a little cash.W thanked me. We hugged and I left. A little later we had a short SMS session....
Hi ken, thank you for the money and the sig. I really appreciate it. Just want to know, if you have if you can please give me another R200. I need to pay the R200 on your shirts that I bought for you on the edgars acc. Please let me know, if ok. Would not have asked, if I did not need it. Thank you.
Honey I will make a plan for you always. Found cables as well! Call u tomorrow. Will cost you coffee somewhere with me! I know "I'll think about it" :-) hugs
In melkbos, can you please give it to karin? She can drop it for of in melkbos tom. I really appreciate it. Thank you.
I was prepared to do this when Karin SMS'd to say she had to cancel seeing me that night she was off somewhere else and would see me early the following week! Did W know? Thought at the time that they really should get their stories straight. In a nutshell - couldn't get the money to her.
So - Saturday - I turned up - W did not. Instead I got an SMS below and my reply....
Hi ken, went through FAMAC website page. No 1. 3 to 6 sessions necessary, so another 2 months would have passed before I get any maintenance from you. Where you could have given me the R600 rather spending it on them. Atleast I will have food on the table. No 2 they are not a substitute for legal advise and I still need to pay for a lawyer. Nothing that gets put on paper are legal and will stand up in court. Would rather do that later. No 3. Read through your questionnaire some of the answers are not filled in. And some of them are not the truth. Handing papers in for FAMAC to try and resolve the matter is going to take a while. So I suggest that you get your budget sorted out today. And we get a agreement signed and stamped by the police. Or I can go ahead and do what I wanted in the first place. You have promised you will have it sorted by today. Please let me know. Thank you.
Hi honey.I had ur r200 ready that u asked 4.Karin went 2 hermarnius.Would have been sorted out 2day.I would abide by our agreement and sign it.that agreement can be signed off by an atourney and would be legal.Office of family advocate in st georges mall will mediate 4 free.Can go anytime.The way u want 2 do it will take more time cost us both then even less money.at the moment we dont have an agreement.that was what today was all about.Really want 2 help but u keep pushing me away.so reshedule with Debbie?go to family advocate or what?I don't know. I'm totaly lost as to what u really want. I've done everything u asked of me and I really am lost. Not talking together is a pain!
Since then I've gone totally dark to catch up with me! I've decided that I'm going to try to enlist the help of a mutual friend as a go between which I'm sure she'll do. I'm seriously thinking about withdrawing the cash for W and giving it to mutual friend to give her later.
So here we are - what a PAIN! Sorry for such a long post!
How the heck did we go from the following SMS session to Mondays row and breakup?????
Me: Have u sorted your evening entertainment out yet? Love and x's Malindi: Buy a pizza for you lovy. If we are not going out, then we will eat bread. Dont worry. Love you. Malindi: My lovy, me and mom and j at big barrel. Having a drink. Did you wanted the car? See you a bit later. Love you. Me: Fine sweet. Don't think it's going to rain. C u later. Love hugs and x Me: Den making anouncement about pete at 5:45. We r having a minute of noise! Wish u lot were here. Miss u! Malindi: My lovy, we are sitting outside at the big barrel. With some nice fresh air. Will have a minute of silence to at 5.45. Will see you later. Love you! Me: Didn't win anything so I'm going home :-( ~ Malindi: Sorry about that my lovy. See you a bit later. X Me: Honey must I take the sausage out of freezer? Malindi: Yes please my lovy. Thank you. Me: Hi my lovy, they are playing afrikaans music. Mom is really enjoying herself. Jaco, carika and dana also here. Will you be very upset with me, if you make something to eat for yourselve. Love you. X
This was the result of the better SMS dialog last week.
W - How many chances have I given you? How many chances do you think you deserve? You should have used it first time around. I did not promise you that I will see you the weekend. I said that I will think about it.
Me - We need as many as it takes to make this work but this is the last time I'll need one u prune! You have seen the improvement. You have heard it to. You nearly didn't leave the other day because I was not talking the usual crap. One more chat and I'll abide by your decission. Go for it honey! We're worth it. Will do as u want - c u alone at 2.00 @ barrel alone to try clear the air with my wife.
After going dark over the weekend a few things happened.
Just called my friendly go-between and got told the following.
The friend called my go-between and asked if anyone had seen me. GB says - no and she's worried because no-body has seen me since Tuesday. I've got some cash for my W and arranged go-between to drop it off. Just as I'd put the phone down - go-between gets an SMS from W.
"Please ask Ken to drop money of at pub. Will pick up tomorrow. Don't want other people to be involved in this. H should have called me. We need to work this (finance?) out otherwise I'll have to do what I have to."
Now how do I open communication lines again?
I really think I need an unbiased third party involved but she won't agree to see anyone I line up because she thinks it will be a trick.
