Has anyone had any success in convincing a spouse that wants to end marriage (we have no kids) to attend Retrouvaille (through the church, it is a retreat weekend for separated couples on the verge of divorce)?
I don't know that he'd go under the purpose of saving marriage, but perhaps more to healing regardless of which way we go? The program is Sept so I feel like I need to mention this weekend since he's gone for 2 months this summer (he already has materials on it but said 'what's the point if i've already made up my mind') as it's only a week after he gets back.
I thought of maybe saying 'ok, i hear where you are and respect your decision..i just ask that you attend this as our final attempt to see if there is a chance, or to improve communication/friendship if we do end...' and if you still want out afterwards i respect that. It has a 80& chance of saving troubled marriages - maybe couples have already filed for divorce when attending - so I feel if I can get him there there is a shot.
I'm looking into it also, my W had suggested a weekend getaway, I pointed out Retrouville, she told me to check into everything about it. I'm also looking into booking a weekend getaway for the 2 of us before Sept. Yes my W has already filed for D, and she has put in on hold, she wants to see if I can really keep the changes in me going. Plus she said she is really confused at this point in time.
Me 35 W 30 S 3 M 7 : T 13 yrs Separated 2/20/09 My Story
Thank you for your response. Your story gives me some home that she's filed and is actually open to going. That is wonderful. What did you say/do to get her to go (or even to the point where she suggested a getaway herself) if she has already filed??
You are living separately as well? How much contact do you have? Anything that's worked you can share?
My already has materials on the program. I don't know if i should bring it up again before he leaves for 2 months this summer, see if he'll agree now, or wait till he gets back. It's so hard to know what to do when etc and want to explore all options but not have them backfire. Also trying to figure out if I should have a family member (my uncle) try to encourage him to attend, or if that would push him away more.??
I'm not the best person hear giving advise - I am still new to all of this and learning everyday - but I'll give it a try.
I think having a family member talk to him would be a bad idea. My opinion is that it is best to keep family out of M discussions. A neutral third party, like a C, is a different story.
From experience I learned that if I have a family or friend member suggest something, it has pushed my W further away, and not just from me but also that person.
As far as waiting or bringing it up again, that's a tough decision. You would really have to test the waters, it could also depend on the mood your H is in - I know with my W had I brought it up again a few days ago - it would've been the wrong time and probably shut down the idea. Sometimes not bringing it up again is saying more, especially if he already has the materials, you don't want to pressure/pursue him.
Yes my W and I having been living separately since February. The amount of contact has varied - from none to some and back to none again. It wasn't until recently that W and I started having contact again, and having talks that aren't about S3.
Last edited by LitlHopeAlwys; 07/10/0903:03 PM.
Me 35 W 30 S 3 M 7 : T 13 yrs Separated 2/20/09 My Story
Thanks again for your thoughts. This is all new to me too. So I assume your wife has not yet agreed to the program? Do you sense she is having a change of heart (before wanting D and now maybe not?)
How are you coping with it all? I find this is the only thing I can think about these days, and sometimes wake up in a panic like "what can I do?" "who can talk to him for me?" but for the most part i lay low and dont initiate contact unless he does.
I would recommend the program to anyone under certain circumstances. If one or both are involved with OP then it may do more damage than good. In my siutaion, wife was in an EA but I didn't understand this or to what extent she was involved, and I convinced her to go since she was saying that M was over, etc etc.
She agreed to go primarily to 'show' people that she tried but I realize. She didn't really participate very aggressively. The ironic thing is that she had been asking me to go to this program a year earlier but I didn't think our problems were that bad. I am now realizing what an idiot I was and how I should have signed up ASAP!
Anyway, the program proved to be a great thing for myself - it helped me face some things and put away some past resentments and really focus my attention on how important my W and family are to me, and what a great gift a M can be if both partners decide they want it.
You will hear inspiring stories from couples who seem like they were in much worse shape than your M possibly, which can give you some hope.
They ask you to put aside the idea of D for 90 days while you go through the program. However, if your H/W is involved with an OP it might push them away to some extent.
My W wasn't willing to focus on herself intensely during the program, and instead the intense focus on our R pushed her closer to the OM.
Therefore, ironically, the program was great for myself and has paid dividends in helping me to improve myself, but it was bad timing for my W since she was heavily involved in an EA at the time.
Let me know if you have other questions.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
One other thing - the way I describe it is that it is a great program if both partners wish their marriage were better but don't know how to get there or don't even think it CAN get there. The program gives you the hope and tools needed to overcome that. However, both partners have to have the DESIRE to make the marriage work even if they don't know how or even if that desire is very minimal. If there is OP in the picture then it may not be a good idea yet.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
There is a poster, Sara, who is a huge proponent of Retrovaille. She posts all over the board, but you can often find her in piecing. i think she has a thread there about the program, as a matter of fact. Hunt her down--she may be able to help you out.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I have been to Retrouvaille and it completely turned my marriage around. As trying pointed out it is for couples who are not in love triangles. In fact, Retrouvaille does not encourage couples to come if one partner is actively involved in another relationship. That said, my husband was still hoping to reconcile with OW, not me, when we went. But when the phone call came and they asked us if we were involved with another person, he did say "no".
I don't see the harm in saying exactly what you said in your first post, 'ok, i hear where you are and respect your decision..i just ask that you attend this as our final attempt to see if there is a chance, or to improve communication/friendship if we do end...' and if you still want out afterwards i respect that. That sounds perfect to me. The weekend is all about improving communication, so what you are saying is entirely correct. If he refuses to go, you are no worse off than you are without asking.
When we walked in the door of Retrouvaille, we had only committed with ourselves that we would do the weekend. We said we would "see" if we wanted to continue with the Post sessions. The first night, my husband was uncooperative, and making excuses to leave. I insisted that he stay. By the end of the weekend, he was a happy camper, and couldn't wait to get to the Post sessions.
Honestly, I would say that before you go, there is no way to know who will succeed with the program and who will not. It is a wonderful experience and for us, it was a wonderful weekend in a warm and loving environment.
