Nope, Puppy, I'm not cheering her up. I told her how much she hurt me (even thought she doesn't realize it right now - she eventually will). Told her I'm not going to live in the open marriage and not planning to be a doormat. Told her that the way she's treating me needs to change cause I can't let her disrespect me anymore. It just doesn't work for me the way it is and if she can't work on her attitude - we may well go separate ways.
I'm just trying to get in her shoes. I did many things wrong as well in this relationship. We have grown apart. It's quite a complex matter - I have issues, she has issue. relations with parents, friends - complicated web of different influences.
I'm GALing and patiently waiting to see what comes out of it all. I'm quite surprised to see how 'hardened' I got in the last 2 weeks.
You did do a lot of things that were wrong.....but don't set out to make her an angel yet. This is a critical part of the R and you could make it or break it. Okay...so you had "the talk" so I hope you will let that go and not CONTINUE with the talk. Don't do it anymore or it will lose its affect on her. Listen to the men here. She "needs" boundaries set in order to respect you. Puppy has been in your shoes and he knows being the "nice guy" won't work. I realize you are trying to see yourself as being considerate and cooperating.....but truth is....you are being a "nice guy" and she's going to walk all over you.
Please take the advise from the men here. You can start now and stick to it and still have a chance, but if you try to make it out to be your fault that she had an affair......or b/c she's rebelling against her parents.....or for any other reason other than she "chose" to do wrong, then you will lose. Both of you have done wrong, however, she was the one unfaithful to the M. You will have to grab hold of the reigns to help direct her along the path or she will stray away forever.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
guess it is too late. she wanted to talk today - said she has no desire for me. she doesn't feel the need to be close to. she hates coming back home. she tried - her brain tells her 'you can do it', her feelings/heart/emotions tell her something totally different. whatever I do makes her nervous. she just doesn't want to give it another (?) chance. said I can stay at home and live here as a roommate... but I don't know if it makes much sense.
just told her that I have a deep belief that we can make it work. she said 'but I don't'.
I'm looking for an apartment to rent. any insights?
I think you looking for an apartment is the right way to go. The reason is that she will see that you are not clinging to her. You are not acting "needy", so if anything, that should make you look more attractive to her. She could just be testing you to see if you really would leave the M. Don't give up too soon.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
lost.one I think the apartment might be a good decision too, if you can afford it. At least it was for me and my W. My W said similar things to me (I don’t love you, I don't want to be with you, I’m done) and I just needed to get away from that. It was really hard for me to start thinking positively about myself in the doom and gloom of being at home with her scrutiny. I want to be with her still, but I realize that we need this separation right now so that we can both get well. Until I start respecting myself and get the self confidence back that I had when she met me, she's not going to change her mind. Maybe your R is the same. Definitely don't look at moving out as you giving up...maybe look at it as just pulling back to a more defensive position.
