So what is the end game of divorce busting? One day our WAS says "I want this marriage to last/I want to reconcile/etc?" Or, on the other end of things, does the LBS one day wake up in a happy zen state content to not be in the previous marriage and happy to be done and over?
Of those on this board that have successfully DB'ed, when did you declare victory?
I know I am getting way ahead of myself, but I can't help but try and think down the road what "success" would actually look like.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Of those on this board that have successfully DB'ed, when did you declare victory?
Strive to become the best person you can become regardless of the outcome. Then you will know what success is. Strength and Honor Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I think "Success" is when you're either humble and forgiving enough to check your pride at the door and return and work on your marriage, together (and your formerly wayward/walkaway spouse is willing to), or you're confident and emotionally healthy enough to be okay on your own, if that's what the two of you decide.
That's cool, I understand that. But in practical purposes (maybe not talking about success here) what happened in your situation when you "got back together?" The walk-away said "I am done walking away?"
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Personally I wouldn't buy into the idea of an endgame. If at some point you reconcile the marriage, you still need to apply what you have learned. And if you don't, you're working on being a better person for/in the next relationship. I think it is constantly in motion. That being said, I am pretty sure I am heading for the "endgame" of my personal journey this evening. One way or another I'll let you know.
If you read all of the people who have been Piecing or busted their D, you'll see that it's never a matter of "wow! what a great LBS I have." and everything's all happily ever after.
It's always a gradual testing of the waters where they are ready to bolt at any time. Once they cross that line, it's very difficult to get over it again the other way. Alot of personal talk and reflection on both parties.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
It's always a gradual testing of the waters where they are ready to bolt at any time. Once they cross that line, it's very difficult to get over it again the other way. Alot of personal talk and reflection on both parties.
I don't disagree with you. Here's the issue/question: I feel W and I are stuck (no pun intended) in limboland. Has been NO R talk since the bomb dropped. I am VERY careful not to do anything to pursue W. So, how does one discuss the R without it being pursuit? I would welcome this discussion from my W, but do not think I should be the one to initiate it. Thoughts?
Believe me. I know about limboland. I've been living it for over a year. The fact is that as hard as it is to not say anything, whatever you say is going to be taken negatively.
I was just like you, looking for answers, trying to get her to talk, etc. But it wasn't until I left her alone that things cooled down enough that she could be comfortable around me again.
Think of your W as a spoiled teenager talking to her parents (you). She KNOWS what she wants (no matter how ridiculous it is) and no one can make her change her mind because she KNOWS what she's doing. It's that adolescent attitude that they take on that makes talking impossible.
Unfortunately, you're going to have to wait it out. Any talk right now is going to be seen as a fight or will escalate into one. One thing I learned from all this is how to actually "talk" to my W without her immediately throwing up her shields. When you figure out her "code" you can throw in snippets of "R" talk without really making it a "R" talk.
Like maybe telling her a story that you saw on the news. You can make it sound similar to your sitch, but not really so she gets the message but indirectly.
Your best bet right now is to just back off as hard as it is. Trust me, I know.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I completely agree with you. SHE will have to bring it up. I have gotten past the frustration of her not bringing it up. And I am comfortable (relatively) with where I am right now. Detaching is developing nicely. I am cool as I can be around her - no pressure, and always upbeat.
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Like maybe telling her a story that you saw on the news. You can make it sound similar to your sitch, but not really so she gets the message but indirectly.
Your best bet right now is to just back off as hard as it is. Trust me, I know.
Funny, I have been doing the slip in a story routine every now and then. didn't realize this was a way to maybe reach her.
