My old thread is long and convoluted at this point, so I am going to join the club of those who are starting new threads...
New month, new chapter - right?
My history -
I'm 28, H is 29. Together for 9, married for 5. We have one gorgeous little girl, 20 months. I'm now just about eight months pregnant with our second! I think this week will make 35 weeks for me - due 8/13/09.
Realized over the past month that I'd been depressed for some time - due to many circumstances (PPD, brother's illness and death, stress from selling house, buying house, and moving, stress from H's work schedule/National Guard schedule and having to be a "single mom" most of the time anyway). Had issues with escalating anxiety/need to control where H spent his free time as he worked a difficult schedule and needed to go to the gym often to maintain a good PT score to be promoted (his unit has a deployment scheduled but as of last discussion H will not be reenlisting & deploying).
Suspecting at this point that the difficult schedule/no "down" time & having to deal with a depressed and hormonal wife at home "broke" H's brain - think he is depressed at this time based on things he's said & his general behavior (not eating well, sleeping problems, using caffeine drinks & ephedrine supplements to be able to stay up for work/gym).
6/1 - H said he loved me, but didn't feel the same about being married anymore. Didn't want to just go through the motions for another 18 years. 6/11 - H moved out into his own apartment.
Not much in the way of development from there, as far as the M goes. We've started MC, but H is going out of town for almost the entire month of July for military duty. I'm hoping he will join me for my appointment tomorrow.
Things I'm doing, since drowning myself in booze was NOT an option:
-Started detaching, 180, GAL & PMA almost immediately. Finally feel HAPPY with myself. I stopped snooping (never found anything, just pissed H off). I've gone out with friends at least once per week. I talk to friends on the phone all the time. -I buy nice things for myself (never really did this before) -Take care of my appearance (I was a t-shirt and jeans girl, no makeup, now I put on some makeup, try to look "professional" for work, wear dresses once in a while just because, and get my hair done) -Setting goals! I was drifting along myself for a while with no real plan, just trying to get through day by day. I'm: Painting my bedroom Going to a concert by myself going back to church/joining a nearby parish Taking the GMAT this weekend Possibly starting grad school next spring being promoted at work at the end of the month Joining a gym after I have this baby Realizing that I do deserve all of the good things in my life.
I'm hoping July is a better month than June - since H will be out of town, it's all about developing me, and making my little girl happy, and getting ready for this new baby!
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
One of the points of contention about our new arrangement is that H will want to take DD and go off and have "Daddy-Daughter" time without me, and that often falls during times that under normal circumstances would be "family time".
I've bristled at this... I've asked to join in the fun... I've thrown my little temper tantrums, to no avail...
Today, when H told me he'd probably bring DD home around the time I got home from work - I actually said "Are you sure? Please feel free to keep her later, I would love to have some time to rest when I get home..." (This pregnant woman is finding herself in the nesting phase, and moved way too much heavy furniture yesterday, and is paying for it today in a big way.) He has some errands to run still before he leaves for his trip, and he probably only slept for about three hours after getting home from work this morning, and I know he'll want to spend as much time as possible with DD tomorrow.
But one thing I did notice was when I was walking out to the parking lot to get the carseat out of my car for him - I was obviously having some difficulty walking and he actually walked over and met me halfway and walked back to the car (he parked right next to me). And stood and talked to me for a few minutes before we both left (I was NOT walking back to my cube without getting some lunch first). I told him to have a nice day with DD.
Then he called me to let me know my car was making noises (I knew this) and if I had plans to take it in somewhere (I do) and that I should call him and let him know what's wrong with it even though he'll be out of town (OK, whatever...).
So he's a little friendlier than he's been in the past couple of weeks. I'm not reading anything into it, trust me, but it's just nice for things not to feel so tense. I'm sure later I'll get really upset again when I have to calm DD down when he leaves.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Lovely. H brought DD up to my work in order to switch off there because he doesn't want to watch her get upset when he leaves her at the house. Didn't work - DD is smarter than that. I could have told him that.
I asked him if he could do me a favor... that I'd really been accommodating to him throughout this whole thing, and could he please just go to counseling for one hour with me tomorrow? He could bring DD along so that he didn't have to drop her off and pick her up at my mom's, and it was only for one hour. And he'd be keeping her the rest of the day anyway.
That went over about as well as a fart in church. He said he'd think about it, he didn't know. I just said fine, and got in my car with crying DD.
I don't know what he wants from me or expects from me - that's the frustrating part. Obviously, he wants me to buy him a couch, and do his laundry, and cancel the internet so that he can have internet at his apartment, and he wants me to let him take DD whenever he wants without him telling me where they're going or what they're doing, and run the errands he doesn't have time for, and do the internet research that he doesn't know how to, and be patient when he can't give me as much money as he's supposed to...
All I want is for him to maybe consider thinking about working on our relationship. He has said he wants it to all work out in the end - is he waiting for the magical "in love" fairy to come and find him and fill him back up with whatever?
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
H called this morning to brag about his vision - he had eye surgery the week before the bomb. He says when his card that he used (a medical credit card) is paid down to a certain point I can get it too...
Told me about playing golf with another former coworker. I told him, good, I'm glad he's making time for some fun. Today is a HOT day, so he's taking DD swimming again.
He mentioned that he'd be meeting me around 2:30... (counseling appointment is at 3) I said "Oh, OK. I didn't really think you'd be coming, but you can just meet me there at 3 if you want, so that you can maximize your time with DD today." \O/
He was telling me how he's teaching DD to swim - I said I'd really like to watch them sometime, swimming in a real pool. I can't swim myself, so I have no reason to take DD swimming. He said, "Well, maybe when I get back you can come with us sometime." So I made a joke about butting in on daddy/daughter time, and said that DD and I do fun things all the time without him, like brunch!
So today feels better, he sounded less zombie-ish than he does normally, and he's actually considering going to MC.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
So, I spent most of my day just crying, it seemed. Good to get it out. I'll start again tomorrow. At least I have three weeks plus where I don't have to worry about seeing H or talking to him unless I want to answer my phone.
Counseling just didn't feel very productive. I don't know what I'm expecting, really. I think the crux is that H is not able or not willing to change his schedule to include me until March, when he knows for sure whether or not he will be stop-lossed. At THAT point he will stop going to the gym constantly. Obviously, I understand the reasoning behind this.
And his time frame as far as the separation at first was about six months. So we'll reevaluate where we are at the end of the year. And I'll keep going to the counselor to work on me.
So like I said in another thread - tomorrow will be better. It just felt like reopening the wound today when I was in counseling - I told her when we were alone that that man was NOT my husband, that H was a good husband and good father, and that man is not the same man I was married to six months ago.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
In addition to all of the above, when I got home yesterday there was a billing mistake with our water & gas utility, and they shut off the water. And wouldn't come back to turn it on until sometime today. Oh well, not as bad as when I couldn't figure out how to turn the AC on...
Since there was no water to take a shower this morning, I slept in a little later, and H actually called me as he was leaving town to head to his duty station. And I'm to send him as many text messages/emails of cute things DD does as I can. Told me he'd miss us - I had just woken up, so I said "Oh, will you?" H says something along the lines of even with everything going on he still loves us. So I said something like "yeah, me too"... changed the subject to making sure he didn't get any speeding tickets. And he called when he got there.
It's nice that he thought to call me, I guess.
I'm rethinking the medication idea and talking it over with the counselor - my anxiety level is pretty low most of the time, but I get so worked up about any time I have to see H that my anxiety is obvious. Especially in MC. She is more concerned with helping me cope through the coming months than focusing on the couples aspect. I guess it's refreshing that SOMEONE, in front of H, is confirming the stressful and difficult situation that *I* am in, rather than focusing on how stressed out H is because of his schedule.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
do you ever go on fb? did you know there is a Dbing fan page there?
Have you been to my new MLC thread yet?
Do you recognize any name similarities?
Hi DMK, The DB fan page on FB is definitely worth a look. All the people I've talked to here that are fans over there agree that it's a great resource. Lots of good info. You should check it out. -jimm beau
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
