Marriage issues

[Laurie]

Jman,
It is tempting to want someone to tell you the exact thing you should do, but sgctxok understands that "only you can best work with your own marriage".

As Michele writes, she knows what to help you NOT to do (taking the pressure off by stopping the chase), but shares that there are many different things that may work for different R's. I agree - as every marriage crisis has humbled me to understand that.

I have worked with many couples over the years and I have seen the value of holding on to a civil/friendly relationship of some sort with your spouse as that helps keep the door open for coming back compared to having a disconnected or angry relationship.

Does that mean you need to be walked on? No. Having healthy boundaries ("Getting a Life"), while taking the pressure off (Stop the Chase") offers a valuable balance between keeping the doors open, but not getting walked on.


Also Jman, I think you are wise to put off any risky actions while you are with her family, as you already have sensed. And, I would encourage you to re-focus on what you want your goal to be and then decide what actions will help you get there. I know I am restating a bit of what sgctxok has said, but it is because that is some pretty solid DB guidance.

[Jman]

Thanks Laurie..

My goal is to get my emotionally detached wife back.....but the current goals I recently set are not doing anything..It just seems like I am maintaining to some sort IDK..Heck I am leaving here soon to drive 12 hours to see her and her family and I want to be strong but of course it is bothering me the fact that she did not call or text or anything with me leaving and bringing the kids up there at all in the last 3 days...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I have worked with many couples over the years and I have seen the value of holding on to a civil/friendly relationship of some sort with your spouse as that helps keep the door open for coming back compared to having a disconnected or angry relationship.

I agree with this, and do want to clarify what I was saying, Jman. I'm NOT saying not to be "civil" or "friend-LY". I'm saying that I've personally never seen "being their BEST friend" or the "Mr. Nice Guy" thing work in bringing back a wayward spouse.

But just to be clear, I do NOT advocate being as ass, or anything other than civil and courteous. It's important to the future relationship.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Jman,

How goes it today for you?

Puppy

[Jman]

I am doing as good as I can be. I am trying to pay attention to what signals W Is throwing at me. I am just playing it cool right now enjoying some brews with my father in law and family friend of his.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

ok

[Sad Wifey]

One step at a time Jman, one step at a time.

[Jman]

Well it seems like things are not better and maybe getting slightly worse she just seems so uncomfortable with me around sleeping in the same bed with her idk if I should cut out all affection towards her and sort of ignore her unless she brings up a conversation? The EA drug has got her in a great high right now.

[Jman]

Thanks Kassie for checking in..I have been reading alot of other posts and Idk if it is influencing me one way or another? All of the forums that have affairs attached to them they all sound like my situation...My wifes behavior ever since telling me that she had become emotionally detached, ILYBNILWY, saying mean things about our relationship, all of it...and I think I made the dumb mistake of telling her I trusted her with all of those phone calls, I was an emotional wreck then..I could not make sense out of anything..This is how I think this is all being played out:
Her coworker had broken up with his 10yr live in girlfriend at the same time wife had an issue with me...They started the EA/PA then, my wife never communicates to me our relationship issues until I sit her down bc of the way she was acting one night and that was 2 months later after beginning relationship with coworker..I find out from an email that something did happen unkown what and I asked her and she denies it and in counseling it was asked and she denies it...So here I am changing me but what about her deceit?
And back to the trust thing, how can I trust her when she hides her work phone conversations by hiding her phone in her crotch area, faces the phone down, hides her phone under her legs while sitting on the couch and hidding it under the blanket too...

I am an idiot to not think this is not an A...and each time in counseling she is trying to make me feel like crap by saying she does not know if she can trust me and the changes I have done are legit and will stay?
I think this whole story has been enacted just to justify her A and she thinks that she does not have to out it and drop guilt on me over it...and the part I can't stand the most is that my 2 young children are involved too and that I am perplexed on what I should do for there sakes? Stick it out? What? I am doing everything once again and she is not doing nothing but spitting in my face.... I am going to continue to post on Newcomers and I need help with my relationship..What does anyone recommend I do?
_________________________

[Jman]

Pup, I do believe and trust everything you are saying, I want to do them but am reluctant bc it is unknown whether the EA is over or not or does it matter if it is or not? Whether confronting her on something that has possibly passed.....Hell I am just trying to sell myself that it has i think? This flat out sucks and I no longer want to be the one that is made to feel guilty...I won't allow it...Maybe I should move out and let her tough it out to see what it is really like to not have me around and take care of the kids all on her own dealing with getting sitters for when she needs someone to watch them..I just don't want the tables turned on me I guess?