To be detached in a loving way, doesn't mean your still not going to feel hurt or anger times.
To detach from someone means that you no longer delude yourself into the belief that without them you will no longer be happy.
You leave the person free to be themselves, have their own thoughts, indulge in their own tastes, follow their inclinations, and behave in ways that at the time are to their liking.
Even though what they are doing is selfish and often not rational, you set them free and move forward with your life, not on, just forward in the hopes they will one day see for themselves that there is a better way to live.
Life does not stop. Keep moving forward and allow yourself to feel this way, your human not a robot. Detachment is not meant to deny or disolve your emotions, it puts them in perspective.
So she went out on a date last night...I thought I was detached but I guess not.
Found you!
Im sorry. I know you didn't think she was going in the dating direction. Most likely been in her mind for a long time even if she denies it.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
It's not the dating, I'm not naive enough to think she wouldn't. It's the fact that on Tuesday I asked her if she had any plans to date anytime soon, she said no...Then a few days later she has a date, that just pisses me off...Plus it's been two years she could at least wait a few more months till our D is final.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I am not trying to be unkind or insensitive to your pain but is it really surprising to you that a WAS is not totally honest about their intentions ESPECIALLY when it comes to dating?
Yes, I agree, it is IMO simply the right thing to do for either spouse to not date/start a R until some legal documentation is in place unless both spouses are on the same page about it. Sadly though many WAS dont agree with that line of thought because in their mind the M is over and the paperwork/legalites are simply a formality.
To this day my H will still remain firm that his affair (which began while he was still living with me) wasnt really an affair because in his mind the M was over so it was okay to start another R. Its nothing more than a load of BS especially when he hid it for months and months (I knew but kept it to myself). People that are in "normal" R's dont have to hide them from their spouse!
A date is just a date. That is not to say it doesnt hurt any less or make you feel awful because the actual D isnt that far away and we would like to think our spouses would have some honor towards marriage in general if not honor towards the LBS.
Its ok to be pissed but being pissed isnt going to stop her from (A) being dishonest about her intentions or (B) stop dating. So, IMO, I would act like it isnt even a blip on your radar. And maybe it will help you get to a new place.... why would you want a woman that cant even be honest about something as simple as going on one date?
When it comes to dating/sex/affairs the WAS will come up with things that honestly deserve Emmy nominations because they are usually just that creative in their justification. If it didnt hurt so much it would actually be comical. My H actually told me that his affair wasnt about us but just a little something for him. I mean.. c'mon! Looking back I can laugh at that now but at the time, well, be thankful I dont own any pointy weapons!
Hope you are feeling a bit better today. Yeah, I wouldn't react. Its not going to change anything. Just keep going on in your mind. Don't pay any attention to the mixed signals if there are some in the future.
Like I said before, she has had this in her mind for a long time. She either didn't want to tell you to avoid conflict or not thinking about it makes her feel less guilty.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I have a feeling things are going to get BAD...We are trying to work the D out but having the L's work on the money part...Well my L wanted a copy of her partnership agreement(she's a partner in a practice) she has a significant retirement benefit attached to it...I don't know if I'm entitled or even want any but my L wants to look at it...emailed her this morning that I needed that and some other documents...she asked why I needed the partnership agreement, told her my L wanted to see it...she wasn't happy.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Even the best of divorces get sticky when it comes to money and kids. But its also the reality of it. Maybe its good for her to hear.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
